#might make a post containing all parts of this long ass post

[melded-galaxy]

Ultimis Richtofen: Throughout the years

Part 3 of 3: The peak of insanity and the fall from power

Tranzit: Takes place on 21st October 2035 in Hanford, Washington, U.S.A. Richtofen took over the MPD in 2025, meaning this is the 10th year since the Earth became an irradiated, lava and zombie-infested wasteland.

I think it's safe to say Richtofen is more off his rocker than ever, having reigned over the zombies and being connected to the Aether for a decade. He's incredibly zany, raunchy and childish, has uncontrollable mood swings, his emotions flipping from absolute rage to joy at a moment's notice. His attitude towards Stuhlinger ranges from trying to be somewhat supportive and friendly to sexually harassing him to savagely insulting and threatening him, depending on the map and how well Samuel is following his instructions.

Over the years, both Richtofen and Maxis found ways to contact the surviving humans, both men vying for the surviving humans' loyalty for their own goals. Battles were fought on behalf of the two scientists between differing groups of survivors.

Richtofen often pitted the remaining members of both the CDC and CIA against each other for his own amusement. Seen in the 8-player BO2 Zombies Grief mode on maps Town, Farm and Borough.

George Barkley, former assistant director of the CDC, reports that Element 115 has seemingly spread across the globe, similar to an air-born virus, with infected survivors listing 'short-term memory loss, psychosis, delusion, and paranoia' as side effects. Tellingly, Richtofen suffers from all of these.

It quickly becomes apparent that Richtofen can only communicate with any human that has eaten zombie flesh. Stuhlinger, a member of Victis, and a previous member of a cult named The Flesh, is the only one in the group that can hear Richtofen. The rest of the team is in contact with Maxis. Despite Stuhlinger's pleas, Victis ultimately sides with Maxis.

Similar to at the end of Moon's easter egg, as Richtofen is in control of the zombies he is once again the demonic announcer.

Richtofen is unamused by Victis and is starting to miss his old teammates, especially Nikolai. 'Gah, you guys are boring!' 'Blah blah blah vodka vodka blah blah. *sighs* I think I'm starting to miss that drunk...' 'You know, I think I'm starting to miss the other three...'

Despite being unimpressed with Victis, Richtofen does enjoy trolling them. 'Oh look, you got the Wunderwaffe DG2... JUST KIDDING!' 'It looks like a Max Ammo but I can't be sure... I can only see EVERYTHING at the same time.' 'You know, I never like how that little brat never told us how anything worked, so the secret to survive is *gibberish* ... AND THAT'S HOW YOU WIN!'

Tells Stuhlinger that he wants to heal the Earth, though also admits only so he can use the survivors as playthings. Also mentions to Stu that Maxis will kill all surviving humans... he's right. 'Soon, this beautiful planet will be healed once more and the flesh will cover the Earth!' 'You will be the heroes that saved all the Earth... for ME TO PLAY WITH!' 'Maxis WILL KILL YOU ALL!' 'We must hurry because Maxis is a busy little beaver unt the dam he builds will kill you all! Trust me!'

The doc enjoys calling Stuhlinger nicknames. 'Sammy! Sammy boy! Are you ignoring me?' 'The clock is ticking my little pink sausage... you better move those porky little legs!'

The tactic of leaving a single crawler at the end of the round to take a break, Pack a Punch or complete Easter Egg steps seems to be a canon method Richtofen and the rest of Ultimis used throughout their journey to Moon. 'Ah. Trying to take a break I see.' 'Now which one of you is going to take care of that little bastard while everyone else runs around?'

He is acquainted with Nacht Der Untoten's main building and quotes that it looks familiar.

Die Rise: Interestingly enough, the events of Die Rise take place only a day after Tranzit, on the 22nd of October, 2035 in Shanghai, China.

The opening cutscene shows us that a demonic-sounding voice is ordering Samuel around and instructing him to 'mend the rift'. When Stuhlinger argues back, the voice reveals that it knows of Samuel's past acts of cannibalism when he was still a member of The Flesh and threatens to tell the others.

I'm not sure if this demonic voice is supposed to be Richtofen, or an Apothicon speaking to Stuhlinger, as we do hear the doc later on in the cutscene when he's telling Victis to 'Accept their fate. Begin anew.'

The cutscene also reveals that Richtofen teleported them from Washington to Shanghai and that when Victis dies, Richtofen has the power to rewind time, bringing them back to life and effectively giving them another chance to aid him against Maxis. Victis have no memory of their former deaths, only a sense of deja vu.

Strangely enough, Richtofen does this despite Victis siding with Maxis before in Tranzit and for some reason either chooses not to or can't rewind time after Victis previously chose to aid Maxis.

Once again, Victis ultimately sides with Maxis.

Unfortunately, one part of the Easter Egg involves getting balls wet with the Sliquifier. This proves too much for Richtofen, who becomes even hornier than usual and more sexually-frustrated than ever. This is made doubly uncomfortable by the fact that he is still currently in the body of a little girl. Oh, and he calls Stuhlinger a whore (...projection). "Look to the dragon. The energy flows! Oh, how it flows on my face." "JAA! MAKE THOSE BALLS WET, YOU WHORE!" "More! Keep going...(whispering) ugh you cannot have dry balls, dry balls ugh not good." "Ahhh, that was good. Maxis will no longer be able to get his filthy hands on those balls, those all-so-wet balls."

Buried: Takes place on 31st of December, 2035 in Angola, Africa. The opening cinematic shows Victis travelling on foot, so Richtofen most likely didn't teleport them to the location.

It's implied in the opening dialogue Richtofen and Stuhlinger engage in that the doctor hasn't been in contact with Stu as frequently, most likely because of Victis siding with Maxis on Tranzit and again on Die Rise. It's possible Richtofen was trying to contact other survivors to do his bidding in Victis' place. Nevertheless, Richtofen ultimately tries once more to get Samuel to convince the rest of Victis to do as he says, with no success.

Victis for the final time sides with Maxis, setting up the last polarisation tower to open the ‘rift’ for Maxis. This results in Maxis harnessing the power of the Aether and taking control of the zombies. Maxis kicks Richtofen out of Samantha's body and into the body of a zombie as a punishment. When the zombie is killed, Richtofen's soul enters another zombie nearby, damning the doctor to die over and over again at the hands of Victis. Maxis, powered by the Aether, sets out to reunite with Samantha, which will unfortunately lead to the destruction of Earth and all its inhabitants. This is the canonical ending.

In the non-canon ending where Victis sides with Richtofen in all the maps, he gains full control over the Aether and zombies and proceeds to erase Maxis from existence. Edward seems disinterested in returning to his own body and now has the power to rejoin the physical world, which he does by taking over Stuhlinger's body... or at least attempts to. Much to the doctor's surprise, Samuel survives Richtofen's body-snatching attempt and the two now must share/fight for control over Stuhlinger's body. Richtofen appears stuck in Stuhlinger's body and admits that he didn't think this through.

Similar to Die Rise, Richtofen is ridiculously horny in this map. 'Aha, you are making an old German very happy... unt stiff.' 'Keep going! I do not want you to stop... not even for breathe... ahaha.' 'You are reaching the climatic moment... oh it feels good ja?'

He's also ridiculously childish, repeatedly yapping about playing games and having fun. 'Curse you Maxis! You and your stupid girl! You are always ruining my fun unt games!' 'Now, throw the pennies into the fountain and we get to play a fun little game ahaha.' 'Now you go from grumbly hateful to hungry grateful ahahaha! I rhymed!' 'Ah, it's really not that different from how things were before, Sammy. We get to talk to each other, play games! It's really quite exciting! You'll like the fact that we're gonna be eating more salad.'

Alludes to 'the cycle', a big part of the zombie storyline we see in B03 and BO4. 'Nein. It cannot be like this forever. There has to be a way to break the cycle.'

He knows the rest of Victis disliked Stuhlinger. 'Now search their cold, dead bodies aha. It shouldn't be too upsetting - I know you weren't close!'

Interestingly, similar to his Primis counterpart, he feels a strong urge to be needed by others/meet their approval. Also like his Primis self, he is disgusted by dirt and mess. 'I just want to feel needed again!' 'Ahh! The bodies are so filthy! So dirty so stinky! Would it kill you to stop eating brains and take a shower!'

Richtofen acts self-pitying and disgusted when stuck in the body of a zombie, and seems to feel its hunger for flesh. 'This is horrible!' 'What have I ever done to deserve this torment?!' 'I'm trapped! I'm rotting! I'm hungry!'

So we've reached the end of Black Ops 2 Zombies Richtofen! This is where I think Richtofen's comedic elements and insanity reached its apex— time for the gradual come down.

Time Zombified/comics: So there was a miniseries of comics by Dark Horse Comics and published by Activision that followed Victis attempting to escape the end of the world caused by Maxis in Buried. In the comics, we see that the Victis crew is being pursued by an intelligent zombie that is uncannily dressed in a Nazi General's uniform. The zombie is, of course, Ultimis Richtofen, who turns out to be working with his Primis counterpart to acquire Victis and help Primis Richtofen attain the Kronorium.

Undead Richtofen retains his intelligence and ability to plan, as well as having a newfound ability to control the movements of other zombies in the nearby vicinity.

Sometime after the comics, Undead Richtofen teleports to Groom Lake, where the rest of Ultimis, who teleported from the Moon after the completion of the Moon Easter Egg, are captured and experimented on by the Americans. Undead Richtofen found his old body, comatose after the events of Buried, and transferred his soul into it. He was subsequently imprisoned with the rest of Ultimis and experimented on and had to be sedated multiple times due to how animated he was.

Honestly, I have no idea how Ultimis Richtofen wasn't straight up murdered by the rest of Ultimis given both his betrayal and the fact they now remember he performed unethical experiments on them back in Siberia. Instead, he's seen just uneasily chilling with them again. They had plenty of opportunites to do so as well, considering they were all held in the same cell and not restrained. Perhaps the attempted brainwashing/mind control Richtofen had previously done to the rest of Ultimis prevented them from outright killing him or maybe Ultimis Richtofen managed to persuade them that he'd be able to break them out. It's also possible that the rest of Ultimis was simply too depressed/traumatized to bother killing Richtofen.

According to a quote from Dempsey in Alpha Omega, Ultimis were captured, tortured and experimented on for a few months.

As shown in Classified's easter egg ending, a post-moon Nikolai, Takeo and Dempsey and a post-buried Richtofen now back in his own body are held captive in a cell in Hanger 4 by the Americans. It's implied that all 4 are suffering from overexposure to element 115 and are unethically experimented on. Abruptly, the Primis crew arrive and free Ultimis from their imprisonment, bringing them to Camp Edward.

Alpha Omega: Ah, Alpha Omega. This marks the last time Ultimis Richtofen, as well as the rest of Ultimis and Primis are playable and the only time both crews are playable on one map. There's plenty of dialogue and interactions in this map to get through, so let's get started.

Richtofen is happy to be reunited with his old team and urges them to 'forgive unt forget' when it comes to the small matter of him betraying and torturing them and dooming the planet. 'Anyway, Dempsey, I think we've got off on the wrong feet. I'm a changed man! I've got absolutely zero intentions of blowing anything... up.' 'Hooray! The gangs all here again! Isn't it so nice to be reunited! Especially after all that nasty business on the moon.'

He's absolutely ecstatic to be back to slaughtering zombies. 'BLEED FOR ME, I LOVE IT!' 'More blood! I can NEVER HAVE ENOUGH!' 'I'm so happy I cry!'

Edward seems to no longer hear the voices/the apothicons and may be slightly saner because of it. He doesn't mention them in Alpha Omega or Tag der Toten.

Once again, Richtofen fails to contain his horniness. 'I swear, I'll put anything down my throat...' 'Mmm, just like gargling ball sweat - oops! I meant boar sweat.' 'You're very precise, Takeo! Almost anally so...'

He did not like the experiments the Americans ran on him while imprisoned in Groom Lake. 'I do so love experiments, especially devious ones... BUT ONLY WHEN I AM THE DOCTOR!'

Richtofen acts more antagonistic towards both Ultimis and Primis Nikolai on this map, probably because Primis Nikolai is leading both groups and both Richtofens are put out by that fact. Despite still claiming to hate Dempsey, he acts slightly less antagonistic to both versions in Alpha Omega. 'I cannot believe I am taking orders from Nikolai Dummkopf Belinski!' 'You are too kind! Especially to Nikolai. He's an idiot.' 'I would applaud, Dempsey, but my handsss are kinda busy.' 'Dempsey, dear Dempsey, I am not quite as self-obsessed as you seem to think. Not everything is about me you know!'

Ultimis Richtofen apparently owns a summer cabin in Bulgaria, that has regular poison gas leaks.

He's aware that he's melodramatic. 'You're being very melodramatic, Takeo. And coming from me that's... that's really saying something.'

Ultimis Richtofen considers his Primis self better looking, but claims he has no sense of humour. He also claims his other self ultimately failed to achieve his goals and that he wets the bed. 'That other Richtofen may be younger unt better looking, but he has no sense of humour!' 'And how did my overly emotional doppelganger do? He failed. He messed everything up. Just like when he wet the bed.'

Edward wears contact lenses. 'Someone come help me find my contact lenses.. and maybe restart my heart.'

Like Ultimis Dempsey often does, Richtofen breaks the fourth wall a few times. 'Did you try shouting for your player friends?!' 'You answered the crawl of duty, wink wink, unt you paid the price!'

Ultimis Nikolai, Dempsey and Takeo along with the Primis crew actively despise Ultimis Richtofen for obvious reasons. 'Aw what happened Richtofen? Nuke go off?' 'Frankly, if he's still standing at the end of this, I'm gonna be pissed.' 'I know my other self can be rather... eccentric. Annoying, even. But we really are quite different!' 'I find that very hard to believe, Richtofen. You are all equally unlikeable and unreliable.' 'One fact remains undeniable: you are an evil that must be stopped.'

He's salty about the fact/somehow knows about that his Primis self shot a version of Ultimis Richtofen in the face, as seen in bo3's the giant opening. 'What did my other self ever do to you? Did he shoot you in the face??' 'Remember it? Of course, I don't remember it! When you're shot in the head, memory loss is one the most common side effects.'

Ultimis Richtofen's much more absent-minded in this map in particular and struggles with memory issues that seem to be getting worse. He has definitely cognitively declined since the days of Shi No Numa. 'this reminds me, I really do need to do laundry.' 'Hello, orb! My name's Edward and I fight the undead. What exactly do you do?' 'Finally! Now I can get back to pursuing my own interests! Hmm...' 'Okay Edward, don't forget you have this... this... what was I talking about?'

Despite his more happy-go-lucky attitude in this map, Richtofen has bouts of suicidal ideation. 'Sometimes I think death would have been a mercy...' 'I'm surprised you didn't just put me out my misery.'

Tag Der Toten: The sanest version of Ultimis Richtofen we see in any map. Takes place on October 13th 2025. This is the final appearance of Ultimis Richtofen and at the end, he's incredibly calm, almost melancholy. His voice is much deeper-pitched than usual, and he sounds almost like his Primis counterpart.

Interestingly enough, it seems to legitimately pain Richtofen to have to lie to and manipulate Stuhlinger again. He's much kinder to Samuel in this map than he was in bo2, and seems fond of him. 'Oh, I'm watching Sammy. Kudos on the headshot.' 'I know, Sammy. I found you mildly amusing too.' 'It's them or you, Sammy and who would I talk to if you were gone?' 'I'm proud of you, Sammy. You are a veritable killing machine today!'

We hear in the campfire quotes in Tag Der Toten, that Ultimis and Primis spent one last night together, sharing stories, drinking together and acting like friends. Around the campfire, Ultimis Richtofen stated honestly that 'he just wanted power, preferably absolute' and that he 'wasn't sorry for anything and had the time of his life'. He was also surprised by his Primis self admitting he once saw Maxis as a father figure and commented he only ever saw Maxis as a bitter rival. Ultimis Richtofen's hatred of Samantha has also seemed to lesson somewhat by Tag Der Toten.

Unbeknown to Ultimis and the rest of Primis, Primis Nikolai secretly poisoned their drinks, killing Ultimis Nikolai, Ultimis Takeo, Ultimis Dempsey, Primis Richtofen, Primis Dempsey and Primis Takeo. Instead of dying, Ultimis Richtofen reverts to his Zombified state and begins instructing Stuhlinger and by extension, the rest of Victis throughout their last journey to build the Agarthan Device.

At the end of the easter egg, Ultimis Richtofen apologises to Samuel just as he and the rest of Victis is banished into the dark aether. Richtofen is then shot in the head by Primis Nikolai, killing him instantly. Primis Nikolai then goes on end the multiverse in the hopes of creating a better timeline, free of corruption and his last act is to have Samantha shoot him.

As Samantha and Eddie, a child version of Richtofen, travel to the new world, we hear the final wishes of Ultimis and Primis. Ultimis Richtofen's final wish is to relax and perhaps open his own morgue.

Bonus Fun Facts/Stuff I Forgot To Mention!

Edward is somewhere in his late 50s to early 60s, by the time Ultimis arrives at Shi No Numa.

Richtofen first joined the Illuminati in 1925 and left the organisation in 1942. When he first joined the Illuminati, Edward would have likely been somewhere in his late 30's to early 40's.

He joined Group 935 in 1936, originally to leak intel back to the Illuminati. He would have likely been around his late 40's to early 50's when he started working with Group 935.

Edward went to boarding school, according to a quote on Alpha Omega.

He references Germany's financial collapse after WW1 in Ascension. 'The inflation is killing me.'

Ultimis Dempsey hates Richtofen, Ultimis Nikolai is neutral towards Richtofen until the latter's betrayal on Moon and Ultimis Takeo liked Richtofen until he started regaining his memories on Ascension. From then on, Takeo only pretends to be friendly towards Richtofen, while secretly scheming behind his back. The 'Takeo is the first to remember' sub-plot from bo1 never really goes anywhere, however, as Richtofen ultimately succeeds in taking over the MPD and betrays the rest of Ultimis anyway on Moon.

Richtofen liked/respected Dr. Groph and Dr. Schuster and acted favourably towards them even after he lost his mind. 'Excellent, Dr. Schuster. Commence test number 151.' 'And you, Dr. Groph, are now the lead scientist here at Griffin Station.' 'Don't worry Dr. Schuster. I had you go with the Americans. It'd be good for your softer side.' However, as he grew more paranoid and his madness took root, it's clear he distanced himself from them, treating them more like pawns and with less respect. 'I'm more than alive, Mr. Schuster. Is the device still intact?' 'Yes, I will dispose of Dr. Maxis and that little brat personally. Do not. Touch. Anything.'

While Richtofen hates Dempsey and looks down on him/enjoys mocking him for his simple nature and lack of intelligence, he may be begrudgingly attracted to the marine, depending on the map/Richtofen's depiction. He has made flirtatious remarks and even grabbed his...yeah, in Call of the Dead. 'Hello Dempsey! Aren't you a sight for my sore eyes.' 'I hate you, Dempsey. I even hate your eyes.' 'Big Dempsey... you're so BIG!' Conversely: 'Oh Dempsey, have you always been this ugly?' 'I hate you, Dempsey. I hate your ugly voice.' 'Dempsey, you annoy me. And you're disgusting. AND I HATE YOUR FACE AND YOUR NECK!'

Richtofen is amused by and has a crush on Nikolai, which seems to fade by the time Alpha Omega takes place. 'Look Nikolai! How romantic!' 'Come on my big strong Russian bear! Arrr!' 'It's so slippery unt wet unt joyful! Just like you, Nikolai!' 'Maybe we should strap explosives to Nikolai's back!' 'I know it must be hard, having your smart, handsome, sober brother showing up... waving his big, fat soul in your face.' 'I wish my Nikolai knew how to shoot straight - or in fact do anything of use.'

Richtofen is either indifferent to or mildly dislikes Takeo. 'Oh, it's a picture of the monkey bomb.' 'Takeo has always been so quiet. For some reason, no matter the pain, he was always so respectful. I hate that.' 'I always liked you, Takeo! Even when I didn't.'

The entire Primis crew hates Ultimis Richtofen, especially his Primis self for obvious reasons.

The Shadowman thinks favourably of Ultimis Richtofen, according to his dialogue in Revelations. 'You do know that Richtofen is a friend of mine? I say friend, but really he's so much more than that. At one point, I almost considered him my apprentice.' 'At one point he did everything I told him to. I keep hoping he'll remember the promise he made to me, so long ago.'

Dr. Monty thinks of Ultimis Richtofen as evil, childish and an idiot. 'Richtofen, crazy Richtofen, evil Richtofen, remember him? Fucking idiot blew up the Earth! It didn't really all go to plan though, did it? He never even had a plan. He ended up trying to enlist the help of some other idiots left in the apocalyptic wasteland.'

Russman, Misty and Marlton dislike/distrust all versions of Richtofen. Stuhlinger likes/looks up to Ultimis Richtofen despite his axe-crazy personality and called him 'the sweetest guy in the whole universe' in Tag Der Toten. Likewise, I believe Richtofen did develop a soft spot for Samuel over time as he's the only person Ultimis Richtofen has ever expressed genuine remorse for. At the end of Tag Der Toten's Easter Egg: 'I know. And I'm so sorry.'

While the voices Richtofen heard after touching the MPD on the moon were never an auditory hallucination brought on by Schizophrenia, they were real entities that we later find out were the Apothicons/Shadowman, he may have also developed schizophrenia later on anyway due to the effects the voices had on his mental state. Some of Richtofen's in-game quotes hint at him hearing and seeing things that clearly aren't there. When interacting with Nikolai's portrait in Kino: 'His eyes are following me...' When getting the monkey bomb: 'Do you hear him talking to you, Nikolai?' When getting the Wunderwaffe DG2: Do you hear it talking to me?' Furthermore, Edward is also aware of the fact he's mentally ill: 'Carefully balanced... much like my mental state!' 'It's not always fun being like this...'

Richtofen's favourite food is potato salad. His favourite drink may be root beer.

Edward may have arthritis, according to a quote in der riese.

Despite claiming to hate monkeys, Richtofen apparently considered adopting one and enjoys spanking them according to a sus quote on Alpha Omega. 'I find monkeys annoying. I spank them every chance I get...' Furthermore, Dempsey implies Richtofen may have done obscene things with the monkey bombs. 'Richtofen, stop trying to hump the stuffed monkey, man! It's creeping me out.' 'If anyone's done anything... borderline with that monkey, it's Richtofen, man.' 'Richtofen, don't get any ideas. I don't think it's legal!'

For some reason, Richtofen owns an MP3 player. Where he got it is never elaborated on. He also somehow might have watched Back To The Future at some point, as he makes a reference to the film in Ascension. '1.21 Gigawatts! Now where have I heard that before?'

Why Richtofen wears a WW2 Nazi General's uniform is never explained in any of the games. It's especially confusing as in the lore, it's clear that Richtofen disliked the Nazi party and especially Group 935's secret affiliation with them, courtesy of Maxis. Out of Universe, Richtofen's model was taken from the WAW campaign; he shares the same model as Amsel. World at War Richtofen was originally meant to be a Nazi Officer/interrogator, which is shown in Richtofen's WAW bio: '"Beware The Doc". A message that was scrawled across walls of every town under Axis control. Starvation may cripple you, dysentery may wreck you, and gunfire may rip the flesh from your bones, but "Beware the Doctor". This is Dr. Richtofen, known affectionately as "The Butcher" to his victims as they scream in agony moments before he snuffs out their light. All through his career, Richtofen has been at the forefront of torture and information extraction research. Richtofen is an incurable sociopath and sees no moral distinction between natural death and murder; the victim is the victim, regardless of how their demise manifests itself.'

However, this was later softly retconned; Richtofen became a scientist of Group 935 only affiliated with the Nazi party through a deal Maxis secretly made, though he was previously a member of the Illuminati of his own volition. Personally, I think Ultimis Richtofen wears the uniform just because he thinks it looks good and gives off an air of authority. It also probably helped him blend in with the other members of Ultimis, as they were all military figures. However, this is all mostly speculation.

Richtofen has shown sexual attraction to both men and, rarely, women - he's most likely Bi or Pansexual with a preference for men. 'Oh, she sounds like a sweet little specimen!' 'Hm, I hope this drink doesn't affect my fertility... oh the thought of little Doctors!'

Richtofen is a serial molester who belongs on the sex offender registry, according to the Call of the Dead Easter Egg and numerous other quotes. 'Ow! Let go! That's not a LEVER. RICHTOFEN!!' 'Just because the lights aren't on doesn't mean I can't kick your ass, Richtofen. *Dempsey slaps Richtofen hard enough for the German to fall over* Now get your finger out of mine!' 'You remind me of a patient, except you make less noise when I stick things in you...' 'that's... that's still not a lever, Richtofen.'

Speaking of Call of the Dead, Edward is also likely to be physically weaker and less durable than his super soldier test subjects. A single slap from Dempsey in cotd was enough to floor him.

Richtofen has cannibalistic tendencies. 'First I will cook them, then I will eat them!' 'I will help you, Dempsey, but only because I want to be the one to eat your heart!'

Richtofen may have necrophilic tendencies. 'Their screams are so... erotic, ja...' 'Oh, could you FEEL it going in?' 'Oh, how I love the sexy undead!' 'Shame, Takeo. His head was his only redeeming feature. Such a pretty mouth...'

Edward is a narcissist and has a god complex. 'I am all powerful!' 'I AM A GOD!' 'You know, I used to be in your shoes... then I became an all powerful, omnipotent being haha!'

Along with being a sadist, Edward is a hardcore masochist, to the point he enjoys having spikes rammed up his backside. 'Oh! Oh, that's... that's good, that's okay, buy me dinner next time.' 'Oh, you have spikes in you now! You like that? The spikes? I do...' 'I would hurt so good if I put my hand in there...'

Richtofen may have also prostituted himself at some point, according to more sussy quotes from shangri-la. 'Ah, t-that's usually an extra fifty!' 'Hey Richtofen, how 'bout some knee time? What, you like that anyway!' 'Ten points a pull, bet Rectalfun would do it for free.'

According to Ultimis Dempsey, Richtofen's got small dick energy. 'This portrait's bigger than everyone else's. Must be tryna compensate for something.' '.5 millimetres of love, just like Richtofen!'

Richtofen takes pride in his appearance and is fashion-conscious. 'Not the prettiest thing I've ever worn but it will do.' 'Ugh, these stains will never come out of my uniform!' 'The steel is so clean I can almost see my reflection - Oh you handsome devil...' 'Oh, I may need this but I do hate to mess up my hair.'

Richtofen has an unhealthy obsession with spleens, a trait he shares with Samantha. Perhaps due to Apothicon influence? Maybe Samantha and Richtofen inherited their love for spleens after getting corrupted.

Speaking of Samantha, Richtofen enjoyed being in her body, and called his child self a 'little girl' on Moon. Make of that as you will.

Given that 10 years passed from the events of Moon to Tranzit and then presumably a few months to a year from Tranzit to the end of the Call of duty zombies' comics, at a rough estimate, Ultimis Richtofen would have been in his late 60's to early 70's at the time of his death in Tag Der Toten.

As a last note, I want to highlight the absolute mental decline and personality change that Ultimis Richtofen went through, from all the way back in 1939 before he was corrupted by the apothicons/shadowman to the end of Buried where we see him at his absolute most insane. He went from acting and sounding like this: https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/callofduty/images/2/2c/Moon_Audio_Log_1_BO.ogg/revision/latest?cb=20130811020209

To this: https://youtu.be/2UxWGDwIpg4

The difference is just staggering. And yet the evolution of his character doesn't end there. On Alpha Omega, Richtofen is more mentally stable than when he was in bo2, serving as the demonic announcer, thanks in part to apparently no longer hearing the voices and having time to reflect on everything that has happened to him during his imprisonment at Groom Lake.

By Tag Der Toten, Ultimis Richtofen is sounding nearly as calm as his Primis self: https://youtu.be/JudP0Eo634E Not to say he fully regains his sanity, but he does become more sound of mind before his death.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this in-depth analysis of Ultimis Richtofen and his transformation throughout the games! This was fun to write, but goddamn took me a long time. I hope it's an informative and interesting read. Feel free to add anything I've missed or got wrong in replies/tags :)

[ssorenz]

F*CK ME LIKE YOU MAD AT ME BABY!!

pairings (separate) ୨ৎ : toji fushiguro x reader, gojo satoru x reader, choso kamo x reader, suguru geto x reader

contains ୨ৎ : adult content (mdni), piv penetration, jealous/angry s*x, face sitting, c*nnilingus, overstim, car sex, squ*rting, edging, oral s*x (giving and receiving), pet names

a/n ୨ৎ : i might make a part 2 w/ sukuna, higuruma, nanami and shoko (or others), but it depends on how well this does!! not proofread btw, i posted this while half asleep 👎

in honor of me hitting 300+!!

toji fushiguro—☆

“fuck did i tell you about hangin’ out with that— bastard?” toji emphasizes each of his words with a snap of his hips. deep, merciless strokes into that, slick, puffy cunt of yours.

it was tired, tired from all the abuse it had taken. toji managed to pull three— no, four orgasms out of you in the span of an hour.

impossible for some. but toji? never that. he knew you like the back of his hand.

which is exactly how he knew you’d be so gullible, so naive, towards your conniving coworker.

of course you didn’t notice when he’d take glances at your tits as they restrained in your uniform. of course, when he offered to take you out to restaurants, you thought of it as ‘strictly business’.

but of course, thats what toji was here for— to keep you in check.

“im, haah— m’sorry tojii!!” you choked out a pathetic sob, trying your best to find common ground with the man. this torture had gone on for.. god knows how long. your brain was too fuzzy to even attempt to recall what time it was.

“sorry, my ass. shoulda’ been sorry a long time ago, mama. s’too late for all that now..” he grunted in reply, still continuing the ungodly pace he was going at.

jackhammering himself into you at this point— his full, aching balls slapping against your wetness.

he had your back arched— face up, ass down, hands tied behind your back, bobbing up and down with each mean thrust. red marks ingrained into the fat of your hips from the way he hooked his nails into them, making sure you’d be unable to run from him.

and it wasn’t just your hips that were marked, oh no. the crook of your neck, just along your collarbone, the inner and outer regions of your plush thighs. toji made sure to mark you up real nice and good.

“if you were really sorry,” he continued. “you would’ve stopped fuckin’ talking to that asshole months ago. then he woulda never thought it was— shit, be so handsy wit’ ya’.”

as toji replayed the scene in his head, his strokes were even sharper, practically burying you into the mattress at this point. he remembered picking you up from work, in your blouse and short pencil skirt that rode up your ass.

your coworker stopped you before leaving though, exchanging a quick goodbye, and a ‘simple hug.’ atleast thats what you called it.

but having his hands around your waist, slowly inching towards the hem of your skirt was anything but simple.

“toji, please— m’ really sorry! didn’t know..” you almost incoherently babbled out. the way his cock repeatedly pummeled its way against your sweet spot, it had you dumb. stupid, even.

“ya’ never fuckin’ know, huh? poor thing..gotta protect you from these men out here, yeah? need me by your side at all times?” he cooed sarcastically as you frantically nodded in reply.

“need you, daddy. n-need you to protect me—”

toji chuckled darkly, almost feeling bad from how pathetic you looked, how pathetic you sounded. the way your eyes rolled back as he hit your g-spot over and over, or the helpless cries that left your mouth as he did so.

“good. n’ thats how it needs to stay, mama.”

satoru gojo—☆

satoru couldn’t wait. he physically could not wait until he got home. no no, he needed you now.

his hands were engulfed in your hair, grabbing a plentiful handful as he bobbed your head up and down, soft groans of pleasure emitting from his parted lips.

“you thought that shit you pulled today was funny, yeah? messy fuckin’ girl.”

gojo had a meeting earlier with the higher-ups, discussing training for his students. you were practically on your knees, begging to tag along. after some consideration, he obliged (of course)—after all, who’s he to deny his favorite girl?

unfortunately for you, the meeting was more boring than you thought. listening to their voices drone on for what felt like eternities made your head ache.

unfortunately for satoru though, you let boredom get to the best of you.

he looked so damn attractive next to you, so professional— like his whole demeanor changed. your mind couldn’t help but wander elsewhere. your hands couldn’t help but wander either, as they discreetly drifted to the middle of his lap.

gojo let out a soft groan as you began palming him through his slacks, but was quick to conceal it with a cough. he tried desperately not to react too visibly, but it was becoming increasingly tormenting with each passing moment.

finally, after what felt like an eternity for both of you (though likely only seconds), satoru couldn't contain himself any longer— interrupting the meeting abruptly by announcing that you both needed to leave early due "to personal matters." with that excuse out of the way, he dragged you out before anyone could question the sudden departure.

to be quite frank, it was hilarious. well, in your eyes atleast. for satoru…?

ah, not so much.

mascara ran down your cheeks, tears welling up—blurring your vision as you felt the tip of his cock hit your uvula over and over. you could feel it throbbing angrily in your mouth as your tongue slobbed around the base.

gojo continued thrusting his hips back and forth into your mouth, holding onto your hair tightly. looking up, you could see his eyes rolling to the back of his head, milky strands of hair sticking to his sweaty forehead.

even in his state, he still looked so dreamy.

satoru held you down, forcing you onto his base, your nose brushing against his well-kept happy trail. you choked, strings of drool pooling effortlessly down his cock. he let out a deep, throaty moan that seemed to reverberate inside the car. your mouth was so warm, so welcoming.

gojos thrusts intensified as he continued to recklessly pound himself into your slack jaw, the salty taste of his precum dribbling onto your tongue. he was close to cumming— you both knew it.

his movements became more shaky and jagged, sloppily going in and out of your mouth before stopping. before you knew it, sweet yet salty ropes of his essence painted the back of your throat— making you instinctively swallow. satoru quickly pulled out, resting his bare cock on your face as he felt another load arising.

and it did, painting your pretty face with his sticky, pearlescent seed.

gojo looked at the sight beneath him, cursing underneath his breath as he admired how good you looked. even covered in his cum, even with your hair all disheveled, you still looked amazing.

“a-acting out to get what you want— tsk, what a brat.” he teased, still recovering from his orgasm. typical gojo, even in his weakest moments, he never lost his charm nor attitude.

“well it worked, didn’t it?” you retorted, a sly smirk playing on your lips.

“i- uh. . . no comment.”

kamo choso—☆

choso was never the type to take his anger out on his loved ones, especially you.

the half curse, half human wasn’t unfamiliar with the feelings of anger and jealousy, although he never experienced the writhing feeling first hand.

but of course, there’s always a first time for everything.

“mine, mine, mine—“ choso whined, a series of breathless moans following soon after as he shamelessly pummeled into you. he had you in a nasty mating press as you lay flat on the bed, legs damn near reaching your ears.

“you’re my girlfriend, no one else’s. . . especially not— hngh, his.”

your male friend, who obviously had the hots for you. choso was baffled you couldn’t tell, as his flirtatious remarks and actions weren’t even that subtle.

the way he’d compliment your outfits, blatantly staring at your chest— especially when you wore lower cut tops. or when he’d ogle at your curves, licking his lips as his eyes rode up your thighs.

or like today, when he suggested you leave your boyfriend for him. now that, was choso’s last straw.

"you really shouuuld, ya know?" he slurred into your ear, clearly intoxicated from the drinks you both were sipping on. choso was just a few feet away in the living area, engrossed in some show he was watching. but his eyes flicked over to you occasionally, as he kept an eye on the situation.

"i mean, why are you even with him?" your friend continued, his voice a loud whisper, clearly thinking he was discreet. "you deserve someone who really appreciates you. someone like... me."

choso was enraged—he undeniably heard every word. someone who really appreciates you? the nerve.

standing up, he approached you two, shooting daggers into your friends wicked expression as he wrapped his muscular arm around your waist.

but that cockiness soon faltered after noticing your boyfriends deadly glare. your male friend started pathetically apologizing, claiming it was a ‘joke.’

but even choso knows that drunk words are sober thoughts.

“f-fuuck, ‘cho…he, aah— didnt mean it!”

“dont c-care…” he grunted, low and rough. his jagged, uncontrolled, breaths tickled against your skin as he nuzzled his way into the crook of your neck. “i appreciate you more than he, nngh, ever w-will.”

you let out a soft moan, his words shooting shivers down your spine. choso was never like this— so possessive. but who’s to say you were complaining?

he continued ravishing into you, so carnally— the feeling of being so completely claimed by him was both exhilarating and terrifying.

but damn, it turned you on like nothing else.

his pants echoed in your ears as he picked up speed, his body moving against yours in perfect rhythm, the sound of his thighs slamming against your own. any thoughts you had, fled from your mind except for the sensation of his cock bottoming out inside you and the way he took control of both your body and mind.

as the intensity built, you could feel yourself getting closer to you peak. you didn't want it to end, but you also knew that when it did, the pure feeling alone would be delectable.

“choso— m’gonna, f-fuck! mm’gonna cumm~!” you blubbered out, your eyes starting to pool. with those words, he picked up his pace even more— delving deeper inside of you. just as you were about to let go and give in, adrenaline coursing through your veins, choso objected.

"n-not yet,” he denied. “m’ not done with you yet."

geto suguru—☆

“s’too much, sug’!” you sobbed loudly as geto’s tongue danced around your clit, sending waves of pleasure coursing through your body.

you squirmed and writhed on suguru's face, your hips grinding against his mouth as he expertly teased your clit with his tongue. you couldn't believe how good it felt, how skilled he was at his craft.

"suguru..." you panted, gripping the headboard tightly as yet another wave of pleasure hit you like a semi-truck. "m’sorry, please. i-i didn’t mean it…”

suguru chuckled softly against your sensitive flesh, his expression twisting into a devilish grin. "oh?" he teased, his warm breath sending shivers down your spine. "didn’t mean what? i can’t quite recall what it was."

he knew exactly what you were implying. yet, he was teasing— because the both of you knew what you said earlier contradicted this current state you were in now.

you bit your lip, feeling a warm blush creep up on your cheeks at the memory of what had come out of your mouth during the heat of the moment. "..‘said that you n-never make me cum," you mumbled sheepishly.

geto paused for a moment before resuming his ministrations with renewed vigor, causing yet another surge of pleasure to ripple through your body. "is that so? hm… i’ve never made you cum?" he asked mockingly, his voice full of amusement. “well she’s tellin’ me otherwise baby.”

he was referring to your cunt. the way “she” squelched as suguru slid his slender fingers in with ease, coated from your own slick mixed with his saliva.

the way he curled those digits inside of you, hitting that sweet spot that made your back arch and moans escape from between parted lips even as they were pressed against his face.

as his fingers continued to stroke your inner walls, searching for that perfect spot that would send you over the edge, his other hand reached up to play with one of your nipples.

the combination of the two was enough to make your head spin and your body shudder with anticipation. "s-suguru..." you whimpered out between gasps for air. "please... don't stop..."

his only response was a low rumble from deep within his chest—vibrating against your cunt as he swirled his tongue around your clit once again before finally taking it into his mouth completely, plunging two fingers deep inside of you.

a sharp hiss escaped from between your clenched teeth, followed by a subdued cry as suguru circled inside of you. he smirked, watching eagerly as your facial expression twisted lewdly with each nasty ministration. he was such a tease.

it felt as though your very being was on the verge of exploding. every nerve ending screamed for release, begging to be set free from this torment. the tension coiled tightly within you, threatening to snap at any moment and send waves of ecstasy crashing over your body.

you could feel it coming closer now— that inevitable peak where all sensations would converge into one, resulting in a mind-blowing orgasm. your heart raced, pounding against your chest like a drum signaling an approaching storm. sweat trickled down between your breasts and pooled at the small of your back as you arched further into suguru's touch.

but as quick as the pleasure built to a crescendo, it ended just as fast.

geto pulled his mouth away suddenly, grinning up at you from his spot between your legs, eyes sparkling with mischief. "since you said i never make you cum," he teased, his fingers curling inside of you in a way that threatened to push you over the edge yet again.

"i’m sure someone else will be able to help alleviate that little problem of yours." and with those words, he rose from his place underneath your figure. your legs being shaky, unstable, gave out beneath you, making you plop onto the mattress.

as geto sauntered towards the door with a smug smile on his face, he turned back to give one last taunt. “dont worry," he said with an air of false concern. "it shouldn’t be too hard finding someone that makes you cum as hard as i do."

DSIIRESBLOG™ 2024 — comments, feedback, and reblogs are always appreciated!! <3

[dear-ao3]

the 2024 formula 1 silly season and drama master post, part 2 (part 1 here)

Hello and welcome to ah fucking fuck auto caps fuck fuck fuck how do i turn off auto caps AHA there we go okay. take 2

hello and welcome to the great and very insane formula 1 2024 season drama post, part 2. if you are new here or are just looking for part one (which contains the previous 16 (?) races, the off season, pre season testing and everything else, that can be found HERE. (a word to the wise: open it in a browser, not the app, and preferably on a computer to avoid crashing. its fucking long). 

what the hell is formula 1? car go fast. fastest cars in the world zoom around tracks at top speeds of over 300kph, piloted by the top 20 drivers in the world. it might not sound dramatic, but oh man. you will Not be disappointed. this post focuses on the drama, the insanity, the sheer what the hell how is this a serious sport. no legitimately. we've just about seen it all this year. grindr, dogs, watersports, ice cream brands, its all here.

the point of this post? to educate, to catalog the insane drama, and to just have a good time. people like to gatekeep this sport, there is also a lot happening. i try to make it easy to understand. again, probably best to start at the beginning of the post because it does a pretty good job of explaining things, which i began way back in january, and can be found HERE (again, shes long, be careful)

and, as usual, if you do not want to see this post EVER AGAIN, block the tag #saph explains silly season 2024

and a second caution, i assume this post will be getting long as well. including this one we have minimum 9 updates left!

anyway, those of you who have been following along the whole time, welcome back! i know we got a little delayed. and i know we’re on a new post, so lets just briefly take a second for me to explain what the fuck happened. first i had an anatomy test, second i work 2 jobs with fuck ass hours, third tumblr decided to stop letting me look at any of my drafts, fourth tumblr support ghosted me about the drafts issue and the post was half saving half not so i just decided fuck it, were going with post 2, electric boogaloo, and fifth, i decided to start typing this instead in a google docs so. many changes. if you're new here i am usually more on top of this.

but here we are. were back on street circuits. we’re in baku, azerbaijan, for the start of the last third of the season. 8 races remain, world championship titles are still within grasp of multiple people. the drama is dramaing. and today is september 22, 2024 and lets fucking go. 

first and foremost, on account of the fact that this post is late (again, see above), were going to have to do a bit of a speed run. if you're new here, i promise that this is not representative of my normal dedication to the update post. and for those asking, yeah, ill probably compile it somewhere better than a tumblr post after its all said and done, but we don't have time for that now. 

what we do have time for is the Off Week (and like some of the media stuff). and it was filled with silliness: 

george russell decided to wear what can only be described as slightly ugly yellow short shorts with his taylor swift shirt that he got at the eras tour. this was baffling for several reasons, the main reason being that i don't think the internet knew that he was capable of wearing a graphic t shirt

fernando alonso got his aston martin valkyrie finally. in case you are unfamiliar, a valkyrie i think is the worlds fastest street legal car. he posted tweets about this that made it seem like he wanted to fuck the car. hilariously, the car broke down an hour later.

we also had the very thrilling conclusion to grill the grid. oscar won and he somehow managed to look more pleased about his grill the grid win than his first race victory. 

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nico rosberg went to the green awards and he wore a fantastically insane teal blue suit. yes i know hes not a current driver. but you all like hearing about him so ask and you shall receive. unfornunately i cant find a picture of it though

and also not a current driver is mick schumacher, but my roommate asked me to include that he was seen on his girlfriends instagram being bad at golf. like. exceptionally bad at golf. like he hit a tree 20 feet in front of him.

also playing golf was lando norris. except he managed to look like try bolton from high school musical 2.

he also talked about the world driver championship with his friend max fewtrell while they were playing golf. unfortunately i lost this link in the sea of technical difficulties, but the gist of it was that he was saying that there is still hope for him to beat max in the championship (hes about 60 points behind right now). lando doesnt usually talk about the championship because he doesnt want news outlets to paint him as “desperate” so this was interesting

charles leclerc had an insane off week. first he rear ended someone in monaco. then he spoke at a yacht conference. he was not scheduled to speak at said yacht conference, he was there doing something else and they were like hey you're cool people know you, heres a microphone. he alsp ended up on a weather channel while promoting a karting event he was doing for the jules bianchi foundation (his god father, the one who died during the f1 race in japan 2014). he also changed his instagram pop and re centered it because some random tiktoker told him it matched his aesthetic better.

oscar piastri posted a photo of himself sitting in the cockpit of a plane and then promptly deleted it. because he posted it on 9/11. for anyone who doesnt know what that is, that was when some terrorists hijacked commercial planes and few them into the world trade centers in nyc and the pentagon in washington dc

max verstappen also posted a plane pic with himself and lando norris, but he did not delete it.

we also had the return of daniel ricciardo’s jpg instagram account, which is kinda like a finsta for photos that hes taken. i think lando started this a few years ago. 

heading into the race week we certainly got a weird ass batch of pr. including but not limited to:

lewis hamilton was back on top and slaying in the fit game. as was yuki. 

lewis hamilton also exposed george russell as listening to katy perry pre race. katy perry and taylor swift (this was after he claimed that he liked listening to old school rap music.) though, lewis then started singing wrecking ball???? confusing vibes all around

george was not off the hook yet tho because some intern definitely make him say skidibidi toilet or whatever the thing is idk, i might be gen z but im not insufferable, okay? actually george in baku was just all kinds of unhinged

george and alex also got up to something, what it is no one knows but it is clearly something

max pulled up to the paddock de aged about 10 years. picture one is of him in baku in 2015 (i believe he was 17) and picture 2 is this year. no i am not kidding. 

and franco walked into the paddock telling everyone about argentinian mate (which is a drink, not a friend)

and max shoved a microphone out of the way so everyone could gossip

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then of course, we had some slightly more relevant drama

haas announced that ollie would be replacing kevin at baku. in case you forgot, kevin magnussen received a total of 12 penalty points over the season so far, which means he gets one race ban. how did he get the points? well he was mostly wreaking havoc on everyone else so that his teammate, nico hulkenberg, could drag his car into the points. lets all remember the time in saudi arabia where he managed to get 20 seconds of penalties by basically driving like a mad man just to make sure that nico could keep his position after he pit stopped. anyway, nico was kind of pissed about the race ban situation and said “maybe the guidelines for F1 penalties need to be reviewed as the stewards ‘want to get involved’ no matter the contact.”

in any case though, k mags was out. and ollie was in. we’ve seen ollie before. notably he subbed in for carlos sainz at the saudi arabia gp when carlos had appendicitis. he managed to get points as well. since then, he has been announced as a haas driver for 2025 and is now subbing in for k mags (haas, later in the week called him a super sub. clearly no gen z person read that over.) he can do this because ferrari has a haas engine so they share reserve drivers.

adrian newey finally got employed. i know! i can hardly believe it either! but he did! and youll never guess where! 

ferrari? no that would be too obvious. 

mercedes? nah

williams? no too much of a shit show

aston martin? ding ding ding! just the right amount of shit show! 

that is right. newey is going to aston for 2025. 

apparently he was offered a “good package” according to himself, which i assume means pay and also the fact that lawrence stroll made him a shareholder? stakeholder? whatever its called. in the team itself. basically he has a lot of power. 

he said that he always wanted to work with fernando and lewis. and he couldn't do both. and aston had a better package than ferrari. 

fernando looked positively evil during all the announcement pictures. and called the team "definitely the team of the future" and for those of you who don't know, fernando is positively evil. hes just been stuck in a shit box and we havent seen very much of him, but man does he know how to evilly slut it up. so that will be fun to see.

by contrast, people said that lance was not excited enough. and well. lance 1. has resting bitch face and 2. never really looks excited about anything. also he lives in a world where take your child to work day somehow became his job. (his dad owns the team).

lewis hamilton was asked what he thought about adrian not going to ferrari, and here's what he had to say:

"i feel like, while I have mentioned before that it would be an honor to work with adrian, i have been privileged to work with two championship winning teams that didnt have adrian."

mclaren announced pato o ward would do FP1 in mexico. who is pato o ward? hes one of mclaren’s indycar drivers and one of the f1 reserve drivers. he is incredibly charming and definitely runs his own social media as seen here:

mclaren Also claim they figured out who their number 2 driver is and they claim its oscar. i say they claim because the statements were a lot more complex than that. essentially, according to andrea stella, the priority is to the team first, then lando and then oscar. so they didn't outright say that oscar is the number 2 driver and i am willing to bet real money that this is because mr mark webber, oscars manager, has something in oscars contract that prevents him from being a number 2 driver. this is of course because mark webber was one of the most infamous number 2 drivers in f1 history to none other than menace war criminal sebastian vettel, who in their time as teammates, managed to win 4 back to back world champions. or, top to bottom if you're mrs darbus from high school musical. 

lando was asked about this and he said that yes, the team does support him. though he would not expect oscar to give up a win for him and that it is more complex behind the scenes. i suppose we will see if there are any papaya rules coming out this weekend….

and oscar said "i think the main point is its not purely just going to be me pulling over for lando every single race, because thats how none of us, including lando, wont want to go racing, if we feel that someone has done a much better job on a weekend, whichever way it is, we want that person to be rewarded."

max verstappen commented on the mclaren situation as well. which was funny mostly because red bull has one of the most defined number 1 and number 2 drivers of any team. he said "you look at it form oscar's perspective, he is closer to lando than lando to me. they have to deal with that."

and allow me to put on a tin foil hat as we are about to talk about the future of the red bull seat. because all i have to offer here is a baseball hat and a red bull can. 

a long time ago we talked about the red bull cans. the ones that red bull makes to promote f1. at the end of last season red bull put max and checo on the red bull can. this season at the start it was just max on the red bull can. well. now checo has reappeared on the cans too. and i will tell you what i think this means. it means that checo is not getting swapped this season, which was a possibility for awhile. 

but! there is more! 

daniel ricciardo made an instagram post this week. and it was very interesting. but most interestingly he was wearing a red bull hat.

which he does occasionally, no big deal really. he did race for the for several years, he technically does currently. BUT then he showed up TO THE PADDOCK wearing the red bull hat.

which is Big Interesting. usually you show up in a statement outfit or wearing the team kit. and daniel is not a red bull racing driver. he is a visa cashapp racing bulls driver. they might be owned by red bull but they are Not the same team. so why the red bull hat. in the paddock. well, the rumor is that hes taking checos seat for 2025. and the rumor is that this will be announced before mexico. so checo can have a proper send off. 

and with that. the baku lore. 

theres a lot that has happened at baku. as i said its a street circuit. and i think its the fastest street circuit. but over the years theres been some notable events. 

such as the great kimi raikkonen radio for gloves and steering wheel:

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they gave mini kimi this week gloves and steering wheel in honor of that

the max and daniel crash in 2018 when they were running p1 and p2 respectfully

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and of course. how could we forget. charles’s infamous “i am stupid” radio.

speaking of charles, he crashed again in fp1. not quite in the same spot, but nearly. he took a picture with the marshalls. 

then in fp2 he rage quit, basically saying that the car sucks. 

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but he was back and better than ever in practice three because he managed to top the time charts. welcome back fuck ass ferrari.

some other teams definitely experienced the lows but not really the highs of baku during practice. like lance stroll who came on the radio to say “this is not a car” (good thing they have adrian newey now, right? 

franco colapinto also cut his ear before practice on the neck strengthener stretcher thing that they all use and the team wanted to give him stitches but he was like no no no i need to be in the car in about 5 minutes im not doing that. so he jammed on his helmet and jumped in the car. he also crashed and when he went to the medical center he took off his helmet and there was blood everywhere and they were like no no no you cannot race! and he was like no! this is not from the crash! and then explained it and they let him do qualifying. 

also im pretty sure? ollie bearman crashed? in practice? but frankly i don't have time to google it so whos to say. 

but alas. qualifying. 

i know i know this is kind of a shitty update. i promise ill go all out in singapore. i PROMISE. 

so as i said. its a street circuit. high speed. 90 degree corners. and also windy as hell. we also had the dynamic duo of karun and harry in the commentary box. 

max led the first practice, george led the second and i think charles led the third. or some order like that. 

slipstream here is almost essential (slipstream: going behind another car to reduce the wind drag so you can go faster) 

charles has the last three pole positions (first in qualifying) here in baku, but he has never won. by comparison, red bull have never had pole here but they have won. 

and franco has never been to baku before. 

i think that's all the exposition that we need here. 

q1 started with max complaining about his car. “the car is jumping around like crazy on the rear axle” he said. despite this he was sitting in p3. 

the mid field battle though….the mid field battle was heating the hell up. mostly because none other than franco colapinto, who if you will remember, has never been to baku before, had split the two ferraris. he was in third for the moment, .109 seconds behind carlos sainz and .159 seconds ahead of charles leclerc. we still had a lot of qualifying left to go, so this was probably not going to stay, but it was still insane. he was pushing insanely hard, nearly kissing the walls. clearly he had learned from his crash in practice. 

the two mclarens waited until the very end of q1 to do their final flying push lap, and oscar made it through, but tragedy struck for lando. 

lando was in the middle of his last flying lap, time was ticking down, and there was a Very Brief yellow flag on the track. now, according to rules, you cannot complete your flying lap if there is a yellow flag. so lando pitted and was stuck down in 17th and out of qualifying. this would be the first time that he was out in q1 since vegas last year (which if i remember correctly was also not his fault) 

now though, of course nothing is ever that cut and dry. people thought that there had been a mis showing of a flag. yellow flag means that a car is stopped on track, white flag means that a car is going slowly on the track. and people thought that there had been a yellow flag shown when it was actually supposed to be a white flag (if there had been a white flag then lando would have been able to keep doing his flying lap) lando himself said that he had no idea what people were talking about because there is a light on the steering wheel that lights up when flags are called and he had a big yellow light. so it was clearly a yellow flag. 

if you're concerned about lando being able to pull it out of the bag, id like to point you in the direction of the mexican gp last year where lando qualified 17th and finished 5th. on a track that was hard to overtake on. he can be absolutely insane when he wants to be. worry not gentle reader. 

in any case. also out in q1 was daniel ricciardo, valtteri bottas, zhou guanyu and esteban ocon.

and notably, williams, who was on fucking fire this weekend as we already saw, finished q1 with alex albon in second (ahead of oscar) and franco colapinto in 8th. pierre gasly had somehow managed to also get into 4th. and nico hulkenberg was in 7th with ollie bearman in 13th. i told you the mid field battle was heating the hell up. 

q2. everyone zoomed straight out of the gate. they didn't want to get lando norris’d. but, speaking of that, if lando managed to get no points in the race and charles managed to win, charles would overtake lando in the drivers championship. mark webber himself told this to charles, who was absolutely baffled. 

in any case, charles was kinda suffering right now and that was because he was not getting slipstream from carlos to make his lap faster. meanwhile, carlos seemed to be actively trying to give charles the slipstream because he came on radio to say “he keeps missing the tow” 

and amazingly, franco colapinto was 4 tenths AHEAD of alex albon. alex albon who had not been unqualified by his teammate once since the start of 2023. ex red bull driver alex albon. that alex albon. 

max topped the times in q2, followed immediately by charles. insanely, fernando alonso managed to drag the aston martin to fifth. and franco was right behind him in 6th. by comparison alex albon was in 10th. 

and from q2 we lost ollie bearman, yuki tsunoda (who has never qualified lower than 8th in baku), pierre gasly, nico hulkenberg and lance stroll. so yes, ollie bearman managed to outqualify nico hulkenberg. this is ollies second ever f1 race. 

steaming on forward to q3. 

we had, for review, in q3 the following: 

both ferraris, both red bulls, both mercedes, both WILLIAMS (has not happened since vegas 2023), plus fernando alonso and oscar piastri. 

right out the gate it was wild. 

“red bull! theyve re found their mojo! or have they!” karun said. red bull were in 5th and 6th and not entirely sucking for the moment. 

everyone did one flyer and then came out at the end for a second flyer. 

here were the standings: 

charles, carlos, oscar, george, checo, max, lewis, alex, franco, fernando

and everyone was making it to the line and all was going smooth until-

wait a second what is that

could it be! alex albon! with the air box fan still on his car! surely not!!!

oh but it was! and harry and karun were like oh wow so unfortunate for williams tisk tisk

meanwhile ted jumped on the radio to Loudly announce to everyone that this was insane and if i have time here i will put the rant he ranted cause it was Fantastic.

and what do you know i have time

so we had 3 minutes left qualifying and everyone was pulling out of the pits for their last flyer when oscar hopped on the radio to say

"the williams still has the air box fan in"

"oh what an error! disaster for williams!" karun and harry said. they speculated if the marshalls could get it or if the session needed to be red flagged. but alex threw the fan off the car.

and then they asked "ted have you ever seen that before?" and ted did not hold back:

"ITS A MASSIVE YELLOW FAN HOW COULD YOU MISS IT???!!! HOW COULD THE MECHANICS MISS IT???? I CANT BELIVE THEY WOULD MAKE SUCH A MISTAKE DOWN AT WILLIAMS! SUCH AN EXPERIENCED BUNCH OF GUYS AND GIRLS! WHAT IS GOING ON AT WILLIAMS OPERATIONALLY? HOW COULD YOU SEND A CAR OUT LIKE THAT?"

alex, obviously, got fined for an unsafe release 5k euros. he also had to throw the fan off to the side and got slightly covered in dry ice. he did not get to the a second flying lap. 

franco did tho!

and here were out qualifying results: 

p1: charles p2: oscar p3: carlos p4: checo p5: george p6: max p7: lewis p8: fernando p9: franco p10: alex  p11: ollie p12: yuki p13: pierre p14: nico p15: lance p16: daniel  p17: lando p18: valtteri p19: zhou p20: esteban 

oh ho ho but we werent done yet. because pierre gasly got disqualified from qualifying. for failing fuel flow regulations. and lewis was going to have to start from the pit lane for changing his power unit. 

everyone, and by everyone i mean oscar max and checo, pretty much said that charles was going to get pole no matter what, they knew this coming in and the best they were trying for was second

onto the race. 

notably, this is considered a checo track. this was one of the three races that max did not win last year. because checo won it. its a track that he does well on, evidenced by the fact that he qualified above max in qualifying. so people were expecting big things from him.

and so, we head into lap 1.

charles managed to hang onto the lead. checo passed carlos straight out of the gate for third and max managed to pass george to take fifth. lando had managed to get ahead of nico and up into 13th. notably, franco held onto 8th and ollie was able to hold onto tenth. 

someone who was not doing well was lance stroll, who came on the radio saying that he had a puncture. this was from contact with yuki. lance had to pit for fresh tires and was pretty immediately thrown to the back of the grid. 

by lap 2 lando had managed to get past daniel and was in 12th, he was trying to get past yuki next, which he managed by lap 3. yuki also lost a  spot to nico. 

also slaying in the mclaren was oscar, who took fastest lap. then charles took fastest lap.

and lewis hamilton, who had started from the pit lane, was up to 16th. already. somehow. though he was displeased with the tires, sayig that “this tire is pretty bad” over the radio. 

yuki meanwhile was clearly having a problem because he had started going very very slowly. thought the pit wall said that he had no problems. this would later turn out to be false but we will indulge them for the time being. 

franco was STILL ahead of alex albon on lap 6. STILL. 

lando on lap 8 managed to push his way into points positions, overtaking ollie bearman for 10th. though this was where things were about to slow down for him because in front of him were alex, franco and fernando, who were all very close together and would be hard to get past. 

george was back in bad luck hell as a plastic bag entered his airbox. will he ever catch a break. 

on lap 11 nico hulkenberg finally caught up with ollie bearman and passed him for 11th. 

and max’s car was not working. to potentially no one’s surprise. “i have zero bite in the car” he said. and this was probably true because checo was a whole 6.5 seconds ahead of him. insane gap. 

several pit stops later that i will not detail out because we simply do not have the time, alex albon ended up in 4th and lando ended up in fifth. and oscar was about to get undercut by checo. 

“mojo seems to be back for checo perez” harry said, correctly. 

mojo was back for him indeed. and now he was right behind lando. 

and if you will recall, according to mclaren themselves, priority at mclaren is the team first, then oscar, then lando. but oscar was ahead of lando. so what did mclaren do? 

they asked lando do hold up perez, but not compromise his own race. 

remever a long time ago when i said mclaren wouldn't have any internal drama this season? man how i was wrong.

lando managed to hold up perez for around a lap or two before he got past. this was crucial because this was during when oscar was in the pits. 

thanks to lando and the power of the papaya rules teamwork, oscar ended up coming out in 4th, only .706s ahead of checo. 

mclaren are working together everyone! mclaren are working together!

meanwhile, turns out that yuki did indeed have problems because he retired on lap 17 with a hole in his sidepod from the contact with lance on lap 1. this was now two races in a row where he had had to retire for reasons out of his control. 

several more people pitted. and eventually charles was back out in front, oscar was in p2. until he wasn't. no, he didn't dnf. he overtook charles! he was in p1! he popped out of nowhere! nowhere being 2 car lengths back and just flooring it to spring around charles like a little silly slinky! karun called it a “good, fair and robust defense,” which sounds like its descibing notes in wine. but this was not wine. this was the baku gp. and we were only half done. 

ollie bearman was defending against lewis hamilton, holding on tightly to 14th place. 

charles was still behind oscar and he could not get past, despite the fact that he was still very much in spitting distance. “they are pushing like crazy or they have more grip than us” he said. 

carlos got past both lando and alex albon and was up into 4th

this brought max up behind lando. max was on 11 lap old tires and lando was on 24 lap old tires. but lando still defended like hell and managed to hold onto sixth. max was 0.632 seconds behind lando on lap 25 when he said that “my brakes are not working.” this was hardly a surprise. max has hated the car since china.

also experiencing technical difficulties was sir lewis hamilton. he was stuck down in 14th and was first told to do “everything you can do to get the surface temp down” of the tires. he said “im trying” then several laps later on lap 29 he came on the radio to say “are you seeing how i have to drive this thing?” “yes,” bono, his engineer said. “quite effective though.” 

max was still half a second behind lando. mclaren faked a pit stop call over the radio to get max to pit. he did not. 

but, george russell did manage to pass him. which was “not good for max’s world champion aspirations.”

this was also when ted very bafflingly said that “if i had a sofa in the pit lane i would be jumping up and down on it” im not sure what that was in response to. 

meanwhile, ollie was still holding off sir lewis hamilton. and charles was trying to get oscar to pit again by lying over the radio. it was not working. 

lando did a pit stop finally and came out a whole 15 second behind max. he was hoping to catch max by the end of the race. but it might be tight. lets go last lap lando. 

“lando, imagine andrea on your shoulder saying ‘zero wheel spin’ in every exit,” lando’s race engineer said. if you're confused, everyone else was too. 

10 laps to go and here were the order of affairs:

oscar

+.449s charles +1.865s checo +2.989s carlos +16.530s george  +1.909s max +11.535s lando +9.715s fernando +2.589s alex +2.451s nico +4.667s franco +1.590s lewis +1.261s ollie +1.791s pierre +9.205s daniel +23.919s esteban  +.789s lance +3.862s valtteri +3.631s guanyu 

lando was determined. he took fastest lap on lap 43 and was 8.8s behind max

at this point, the leaders were starting to lap the cars in the back. “the back markers are starting to come up,” checo’s engineer said to him. “its going to get messy.”

“hold onto your hats and if you don't have one go get one and hold onto it” harry said. harry would turn out to be correct. 

we had the top 3 all running very close to eachother, that was oscar, charles and checo and “welcome to the party carlos sainz!” who was now 1.2 seconds behind checo in the four way battle for the lead.

definitely not leading was lance stroll, who retired on lap 47 with a brake problem. 

oscar managed to pull ahead of charles by 1.5 seconds, finally knocking him out of DRS range. so now it was a three way battle for second. and charles had “no rear tires. no rear tires at all.” 

and, just like i said he would, lando managed to pass max on lap 49. he was closing the gap slowly in the championship. 

“verstappen’s day goes from bad to worse,” harry said. because lando still had fastest lap, so he would score 3 more points than max. which is important if lando wants to beat max in the championship (though i think hes still like 60 points behind)

meanwhile! franco managed to pass nico hulkenberg for 10th! he was in the points!!!! at his second race!!! 

but this was short lived because there was a crash! a big smackeroo! between carlos and checo!! checo was mad, carlos didn't know what happened. 

what happened was that carlos was trying to pass checo but checo did not move over. it was deemed an equal fault accident. both of them were utterly confused at what happened and apparently spent 20 minutes in the medical center being utterly lost and aparently saying that sometimes this sport sucks. and! contrary to what several people said! checo did not bang on carlos’s helmet after the crash. 

the crash actually caused chef's dad to have a heart attack. he is stable now.

and well. this clip of george from the post qualifying interviews definitely didnt age well:

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but! since we were a matter of a few laps from the end, this meant that the rest of the race was finished under a virtual safety car. 

which meant 

OSCAR PIASTRI WINS THE AZERBAIJAN GP

and george inherited p3! 

and on his own merit too! no safety cars, no team orders, no weird shit! 

“yes!” he whispered over the radio. 

he almost fell getting out of the car, then gave us all the “one moment” hand gesture before properly celebrating. 

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he also got driver of the day! 

(this was marginally better than george russell, who said over the radio “i cant get any rubber (to pick up on his tires) all im getting is leaves”)

gunther steiner also hosted the post race interviews. which was interesting. 

george said that the most difficult part of the race was “driving full gas into a wall of carbon fiber on the penultimate lap…the vsc should have come out sooner” 

charles bashed ferrari because they didn't do any high fuel runs in practice. 

oscar was entirely pleased. “i managed to overtake and hold onto it for the next 35 laps..one of the better races of my career.” and honestly, oscar winning a race straight after mclaren basically announcing that he was their number 2 driver is nothing short of hilarious.

and! mclaren was now leading the constructors championship by 20 points! for the first time in ten years!!!!

the top three had a moment outside of the car that was filled with baffled: 

and oscar's engineer tom got to stand on the podium with him. he usually takes a selfie with oscar after each race he podiums at, but he was too excited to so george took this picture for them

(george also aparently demomished oscar in a game of uno on the plane, immediately humbling him)

george also shielded himself from the champagne on the podium

the cooldown room reacted to the crash in a very straight forward manner:

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and very quickly cause its midnight and the singapore gp starts in 8 hours, the post race, speed ran: 

-mark webber told off laura winter for thinking that oscar didn't have good tire management

-alex albon was “super happy, that's a lot of points for us” (williams finished in 7th and 8th). he cut his own interview short when ollie bearman arrived, saying “I can go, im happy to go” and then waving comically. 

-williams was so pleased with this result they blasted everyone with champagne. and they overtook alpine in the constructors championship! this was also their best race finish all season

-(and a quick note, if youre going to really blame logan for being that shit of a driver here, please remember that the car he was driving was several rounds of upgrades behind alex's pretty much the entire time he was driving it)

-ollie became the first driver to ever score points in his first two races for two different constructors because the double dnf pushed him up to 10th place. he said that there was not much difference between the haas and the ferrari, the ferrari was just red

-franco continued to charm everyone and flirt with the reporters. 

-they interviewed george and lewis and the camera had to be adjusted for george's height. it was comical and resulted in my favorite edit so far of the season (sound on)

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-lando looked pleased and happy for once. he said about holding off checo that “i didn't hold him up i just had to cool my tires a little.” he was delighted to be leading the constructors for the first time in ten years and he defended alex albon saying “i struggled to get past alex for a while, which is common, alex doesnt make mistakes.” he also ratted on max for going to fast during the VSC and said “i didn't complain, facts were stated.” and to sum it all up he said that “im executing things well, i’m very quick…i’m not going to be the happiest guy, but i am never the happiest guy….car is performing well everywhere…some red cars behind us seem to be our biggest competitors right now” 

-by comparison george insulted all of pirelli. the tire people. “pretty infuriating that it (the pace) changes this so much….its black magic, people who make the tires don't understand the tires…..for 20 laps we had a car not worthy of points and for 20 laps we had a car fighting for victory and the only difference is the tires.” 

-lewis was notably upset after the race and walked through the paddock with his helmet on, not wanting to talk to anyone. but he did talk to franco and ollie and congratulate them on a job well done defending against him and racing against him. franco even fangirled over this on his instagram. 

-charles was clearly upset with ferrari. he was so upset he posted a thirst trap.

-and oscar. oscar was very happy this afternoon. and his mom was there! she doesnt usually come cause it scares her, but nicole was there today! 

-mclaren celebrated with a hell of a lot of champagne. both oscar’s wina and lando’s insane recovery, and the fact that they were leading the championship. red bull have been dethroned, at least for now. 

-there was so much champagne that lando took off his socks to spray it. all seems well at mclaren. 

-at least one thing is for sure, oscar had a better time here this weekend than last year when he got food poisoning and only ate four pieces of toast

and with that. we head into singapore. quite literally as it is starting in a few hours. again, i apologixe about this post. its a little sad, but the next one will be better. pinkly promise. 

see you all soon!!!

[thebigbiwolf]

Spittle - Part 1/2

Summary: The chocolate seems innocent enough - if you look past the Infernal writing on the wrapper, and with so few pleasures in the wilderness, you all but jump at the chance to sneak yourself a small treat.

Unbeknownst to you, the bar is infused with succubus spittle. Just one square is rumored to contain enough potency to send a mortal into the throes of ecstasy.

This is what happens when you eat half the bar.

Fic Tags: Sex Pollen (kinda), aphrodisiacs, succubus magic, a bit of dom!Astarion, unprotected piv, overstimulation, he talks you through it (iykyk), more tags will be added later.

Fic Warnings: Explicit Smut (18+ MDNI), Dubcon (if you squint), Language, No use of Y/N, magical influence

Read on AO3: Here

A/N: Remember the dead spider? I remember the dead spider. Anyways, the reception I've been getting on Starvin', Darlin' has me wanting to thank everyone with a one-shot. This got away from me so I went ahead and split it into two parts.

I've never written anything like this and it was significantly more difficult than a multi-chapter fic. I hope everything comes across the way its supposed to! And a huge thank you to my beta @imaginarydromedary for...you know... encouraging me to post this, despite everything.

From what you could tell, there wasn’t much to the apothecary. 

As you push open the dilapidated doors, your first thought is to search for supplies - anything that could help if things went south on your way to the goblin camp. 

Dried herbs hang from the rafters beneath a thin veil of cobwebs, filling your lungs with a pungent clash of scents. Empty bottles lined the shelves along the wall, caked in several months worth of dust. Large chunks of the building were missing where stone met splintered wood, some areas almost entirely overtaken by greenery.

You step over broken shards of pottery, scanning over the floor and countertops for something - anything that may be of use, but to your disappointment, it seems like the shop was entirely ransacked long before your arrival.

You sigh deeply, knowing you’ll likely never hear the end of this from your companions. It was your idea to search the village. You were the one who suggested taking out the goblin scouts, exerting everyones’ energy, and now you’re afraid you’ll have very little to show for it.

You catch a glint of gold, an object reflecting the sun's rays beneath a pile of rubble. You kneel down to brush away the surrounding debris, thankful for even the smallest promise of coin before your hands catch on… some sort of serrated edge?

You pull at it, and it easily comes loose. It's a thin, rectangular block, just barely larger than the length of your hand. You wipe away some of the dirt with your sleeve, revealing an intricately designed foil wrapping underneath.

As you speculate what this might be, you hear footsteps approaching from behind, light and familiar. You turn to face the elf with a smirk.

“You’re supposed to be the stealthy one.” You chide at him, playfully, “Or has my blood put a little skip in your step?”

Astarion scoffs. “I’ve been here the entire time, watching you fumble around in the dirt.” 

Crimson eyes study you, then the object you’re holding. He places his hands on his hips, head cocked to the side with a raised brow. “Is that what you’ve dragged us all the way here for?”

“First of all,” you waggle a finger at him, “You’re especially grumpy when you’re tired. I’ll have to make a note to prioritize your beauty rest. Second, I haven’t finished looking around, but check this out.”

You hand the bar to him as you stand. The cool skin of his fingers brush against your own, and you’re irritated with the way your heart skips at the brief contact. Why did the one man you found attractive in your camp have to be such a primadonna? And such a huge pain in the ass? 

Astarion’s eyes scan over the textured paper with suspicion, angling it towards the light to get a better look. The golden wrapping is stamped with an image of red lips On the back, letters twist and curve in a language you don't recognize, following a single circular pattern where they meet in the center. You’ve never seen anything like this, neither in your travels, nor within the city walls of Baldur’s Gate.

“Where did you find this?” 

You shrug, then point to the pile next to you. “It was buried right there.” 

He silently stares at the foil, mouth pursed, until your patience begins to wear thin.

“Well, can you read it or not?”

His nose scrunches. “Of course I can’t read it. It’s written in Infernal.”

That’s… odd. Why would an ordinary apothecary sell goods made by devils? Or, worse, for devils. Unless, of course, it was some sort of marketing trick, perhaps a play on the phrase ‘sinfully sweet’, or some other cringeworthy branding.

You take it back, turning it over in your hands before tearing at the corner of the wrapping. It's sectioned into dark, rich squares, and smells indisputably like chocolate.

“It looks like candy.”

“An excellent observation.” he says, voice dripping with sarcasm. “Now, can we go? We’ve spent more than enough time here already.”

You roll your eyes and stuff it into your bag, setting off for camp, vampire in tow.

–

During dinner, you decide not to tell the others about what you found, knowing Astarion’s likely already forgotten the event. You set down your empty plate, thanking Gale for tonight’s meal. He smiles at you and bids you goodnight as you excuse yourself to your tent. 

You pick up your rucksack, thinking fondly of the dessert that awaits you inside. Having lived at the beck and call of your companions for weeks on end, you can’t help but smile at the idea of selfishly indulging in a small treat like this.

You tear open the rest of the wrapping and snap off one of the squares, immediately popping one into your mouth. It melts - buttery in texture, with a smokey, slightly bitter flavor. You can’t remember the last time you’ve eaten something so rich. Maybe weeks of the same rations have made you easier to impress, but this felt especially notable.

As you break off a second piece, a strange tingling sensation begins to spread across your lips - a pleasant buzzing that starts at your neck and spreads down through your chest. 

Strange, but not entirely unwelcome. You’ve heard of such inebriating chocolates, ones laced with alcohol or species of flowers that numb one’s senses for a short while. All harmless, of course, and you don’t have watch tonight. You may as well enjoy yourself. If worst comes to worst, Shadowheart is just outside with an assortment of spells and potions. Always better to ask for forgiveness.

It only takes you minutes to finish half the bar. You set the rest next to your bedroll for later and turn to blow out your candles, enjoying the lingering physical effects of the chocolate. Your skin feels flushed and delightfully warm as you settle down for the night.

When sleep finally takes you, it's dreamless, at first. Your consciousness sways, floating in an empty abyss, until colors begin to bleed onto the blank canvas of your mind.

A trickle of red morphs into the shape of familiar eyes, piercing you with their intensity..

Droplets of white spatter over a dark background, diffusing, blending into whisps. They curl and twist before settling into soft, coiffed fibers. 

Hair , you recognize immediately, his hair . His eyes.

Astarion. 

His image fully takes form, as if it had been waiting for you to make the connection before entirely revealing itself. 

He reaches out and seizes you, grabbing painfully at your hips as you crash into his body, hands exploring you - tight, possessive, squeezing at every inch of exposed skin before settling on the curve of your ass. He digs into your flesh with the blunt edge of his nails.

His lips press hot, wet kisses to your throat, mouthing just below the ear, before dragging his tongue along your nape and sucking, hard . You whine at the pressure, eliciting a grin from the elf, so characteristically pleased with the pathetic little noise he’s managed to pull from you.

“You thought sleeping would allow you to escape this - to escape me , unscathed?” He growls against your skin, his voice almost unrecognizable - as if it’s layered beneath a lighter, somehow more arrogant, feminine one.

“No, no, no. Wake up, darling. You’re in for a very long night.”

–

You startle awake, gasping - loud, labored breaths struggling to make use of the unbearably thin air. The edges of your tent bleed in and out of focus, spinning at a nauseating pace as you attempt to recollect yourself.

You wipe at the sweat collecting on your brow, the muscles of your arm heavy and aching, and find that your skin is absolutely drenched. 

Hot. Why is everything so hot? 

It's as if you're being cooked alive beneath your blankets, strangled beneath the furs. You throw them off; normally soft to the touch, the fibers now only worsen the prickling beneath your skin.

Could this be some sort of illness? A fever? 

No, this doesn’t make sense. Everything feels off. 

Fleeting thoughts of Astarion cross your mind - quick flashes of a sinful smile that was not his own.

It didn’t quite match the one you’d silently come to admire, and now that you think of it, the hunger in his gaze was much too intense for the reserved elf. 

His hands, his mouth, the way he touched you -

Your abdomen cramps, bringing your thoughts to a screeching halt.

A stabbing, visceral pain; a knife plunging into your organs. It overwhelms you, forces your body to curl into itself. You hold your pelvis, grunting, and grasp at your sheets. Tears sting the corner of your eyes.

This is - well, you have no idea what this is. 

You can’t think past the pounding in your head, the throbbing in your midsection. You're compulsively twisting, writhing, begging the gods for some sort of reprieve, but it's then when you make the most mortifying discovery of the night.

You’re soaked .

N ot just your smallclothes, which may have been understandable given your strange dreams, but through your damned pants. Not even the sheets were spared. 

“What  in the hells…?” 

You run your fingers over yourself, only intending to confirm the horrifying reality of your situation - that this is not, in fact, some sick, perverted nightmare, but the lightest touch sets off every nerve. 

You wail at the sensation: one massive wave of bliss giving way to several small jolts of pain. 

Pleasure to the point of agony.

The shock of the sudden orgasm courses from your sex through every limb, clenching and releasing pitiful, warm slick. It leaks freely out of you into your already thoroughly ruined underwear. 

Your heart pounds. You stay like that for what feels like a lifetime, toes curled, limbs twitching, waiting for your body to settle. 

After a minute or so, your breathing evens, and the thick haze surrounding your thoughts begins to lift just slightly, along with the suffocating heat. 

But something within you knows this isn’t the end - knows this isn’t enough . A desperation lurks beneath the surface that you can’t quite name. It screams at you. You need more.

‘Aw…’ A familiar, feminine voice prods at your mind. You quickly recognize her, the woman from your dreams who wore Astarion’s image.  

‘All alone, are we? Empty and needing to be filled? Doesn’t that hurt?’

It does. It aches unlike anything you’ve ever known. The lingering buzz of your orgasm just barely quells the worsening cramps, and they’re beginning to rear their ugly head again not minutes later.

You choke out a sob. “Wh- why are you doing this? What do you want?”

Sharp, wicked laughter fills your head, echoing off the walls of your skull. ‘I’m not doing anything, dear. Just enjoying the show.’ She hisses, ‘I told you, it’s going to be a very long night.’

You must be hallucinating. This fever - whatever��this is, is simply cauterizing your senses, or possibly interacting with the tadpole? But the tadpole doesn’t speak, not like this. Never so clearly. Not with words.

Think, please. There has to be a reason this -

“Is everything alright?” Shadowheart raps on the canvas of your tent. “I heard a yelp. Are you hurt?”

Shit.

‘Ooh, this one might do!’  You feel an unwelcome… eagerness flood you.

No. No. Absolutely not.

You try not to panic. 

Under no circumstances should she or anyone else come in here.

The best strategy may be to ignore her - pretend you’re still sleeping. It seems like a good plan, but before you have a chance to follow through with it, another sharp contraction hits. This one is somehow even worse than the ones before. 

You pull your sheets up to your mouth to stifle your whine, but the half elf’s ears are sharper than most. “I’m coming in.”

She opens the flap to your tent and gasps when she sees you there - skin flushed pink, doubled over and covered in sweat. 

“Gods, what’s wrong? What’s happened?” Her hand reaches out towards you. 

Without thinking, you swat it away with your own. Your skin tingles at the contact, and the essence of a smile crosses over the threshold into your mind. The intruder giggles with satisfaction.

“Don’t,” you plead, “Don’t touch me.”

She scans over you, taking in your humiliating state. Her face twists with concern. “I need to know if you’re feverish. Please. You look awful.” 

‘Well, I think you look delectable.’

You groan.

At this point, you know it’s no use fighting this thing on your own. You go back and forth on whether you want to tell her the whole truth, about the voice in your head and its influence on your body, but the idea mortifies you into silence. 

Regardless, a cleric is likely your best chance of fixing this literal mess, so you nod, close your eyes, and brace yourself.

Shadowheart’s palm meets your forehead. It’s somehow worse than you anticipated. Even the simple, chaste touch sends you reeling, as if her soft hands are caressing your entire body. Flashes of heat wash over you, burning your skin, threatening to pull you back under another wave of ecstasy. 

It’s too much. You try your hardest to suppress a moan, but the muffled sound manages to escape from between your tightened lips, pitiful and broken.

The disembodied voice squeals with delight.

She quickly retracts her hand, clearing her throat. “Apologies. I can confirm your temperature is… elevated, but the rest…” She shakes her head. “I’ve never seen anything like this.”

You want to scream, cry - anything to release your frustration, but you keep your mouth shut, not wanting to risk making any more unsavory noises.

“I believe I can give you some relief by treating the fever, but I’ll have to consult the others on the rest. This doesn’t look like any ordinary sickness.”

Consult the others? No. Gods, no. Nobody can know about this. Is she mad?

You intend to protest, beg her not to share this with anyone, tell her whatever death awaits you on the other side of this would be preferable, but she’s speaking an incantation before you have the chance.

A bright, green aura envelopes you, cooling your skin and ever so slightly easing the cramps. With the pain dulled, it's as though you can finally think again. 

You want to laugh. This situation is so utterly ridiculous that you’d find it hilarious, were it anyone else, but with the modicum of relief comes exhaustion - eyelids heavy, vision blurring with weariness.

“Get some rest. We’ll figure this out.” 

Her reassuring words are the last thing you hear before you’re overcome by darkness.

[getmeoutofhell]

Mk1 Women NSFW headcanons part 1

contains: kitana, nitara, ashrah

warnings: oh god..uhh a bunch of unhinged shit. degradation, scissoring, pussy drunk reader, period sex mentioned, spanking, just pussy all over the place.

a/n: i just thought i should make this since some women from mk1 don’t get enough love…or smut. enjoy.

kitana:

-definitely a dom but sometimes a switch

-she’s loves you, and wants to show you how much she does.

-by sucking the soul out of your clit.

-she acts so serious in public, but behind closed doors she freaky asf

-she LOVES teasing, and will continuously tease you just cuz she wants to

-as the post by: @joelstoes said she definitely speeds up when you want her to slow down when she fucks you

-will ride your face for a long ass time over stimulating herself

-she has made you wear vibrating panties before…

-has DEFINITELY sent you nudes while you were out

-if you’re in control, get prepared

-god her moans sound like heaven on earth

-her pussy taste so good you can’t get enough of it

-ofc y’all be scissoring all the time

-mommy kink.

-shes calls you mommy and you call her mommy

-god i need her

nitara:

-blood kink.

-i mean, cmon.

-LOVES period sex idc what anyone says!

-definitely will lick you every where all over your body omg

-like imagine her tongue licking up your folds slowly…

-THAT

-she fucks you good and fast

-has rode your thigh before and came all over it

-that pussy of hers is deadly

-you get addicted to it.

-seriously.

-eats you out so good and forces you to take it

-she loves your boobs for some reason

-even if you don’t have big breast she loves them

-LOVES to flick your clit and tease

-one time, she was so horny that she just ripped off everything you had on in one swift motion

-she won’t want you to dom her immediately into the relationship, but maybe after a while.

ashrah:

-gosh she’s beautiful

-and so is her love for you

-she doms 99% of the time

-her voice tho- imagine it moaning you’re name as you touch her

-if you’re out in public, she’ll literally eye fuck you

-this is 50/50 but she might spank you

-only as a punishment tho

-she’s so good at tongue kissing you

-and tongue fucking you

-definitely a slow sex enjoyer mostly

-but if she’s mad you better be prepared not to walk for some days

-can fuck you from behind so roughly

-loves to kiss your folds and clit

-“such a good little darling.”

-she’s says stuff like that

-if you eat her out, she’ll love you forever.

-ask her to ride your face, just do it.

-you get so pussy drunk with her i promise

-she’ll make sure you cum

it’s a whole 1:40 in the morning but fuck it we ball

part 2

[yukinarinn]

nsfw alphabet with ethan?? fem reader preferred <3

A/N: NAH CUZ I’VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT WHAT IF SOMEONE WOULD REQUEST THIS RIGHT AFTER I POSTED THE GALE ONE. Thank you so much!! also I’ll be definitely looking forward to your oneshots.

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

Very caring. He isn’t going to sleep with you until you take a shower together and clean each other up, while giving you sloppy kisses. But this might lead to another round…

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Chad literally had to “boost” Ethan’s confidence somehow by complimenting him, so he doesn’t really have a favorite body part.

But he definitely has one when it comes to you. I’d like to think he’s more into thighs and ass.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

Ethan loves cumming inside of you (when you’re on birth control) but is also fine with cumming in your mouth. Seeing you swallow it will most likely get him hard all over again.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Has a plenty of dirty pics/videos with you when you were touching yourself, and all of them are saved in one of the folders from his laptop.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

He never had a girlfriend before, so everything he knows now is just what he experienced with you.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

Probably missionary. He loves you clinging onto him while he enters you.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

He’s quiet and like pretty quiet since he’s shy and doesn’t want to embarass himself in any way. But as long as you’re the one who makes jokes, he will keep going!

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

Ethan does have some but not too much.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

He’s very gentle at first, sweet kisses and love bites all over your body while he’s inside of you, or, eventually, his fingers doing the job. He can get a bit aggressive but he also calls you a good girl and tells you how good you feel/take him.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

He jerks off when he opens his laptop and accidentally clicks on that folder (or on purpose) He just likes seeing you all vulnerable in his bed.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

He’s got so many kinks (that I’m probably not even aware of myself) since he used to be a virgin and have never been touched by a woman so he just googled them and saw what it fits for him the most. One of the kinks might be the daddy kink one, he gets hard when you call him daddy out of nowhere or in bed.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

In the living room since it’s more spacious for you to fuck. Or in the bathroom, he will force you to look at yourself in the mirror while doing it.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

He gets turned on easily, especially when you walk past him wearing those cute lengerie just for him to see.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

He might be a sadist, but he wouldn’t actually be too rough with you since he doesn’t want to hurt you in any way, unless you want to.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

Receiving. It’s just that he still doesn’t know much about females organs so he’s scared he will mess things up if he ever tries to eat you out. He watched several porn that contained it, but he knows porn is different from the real life.

However, you get turned on by giving him oral since he pulls your hair and degrades you and whimpers (🧎🏻‍♀️) when he’s close. It’s a win-win situation.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

As I said, he won’t get rough unless you want him to but usually he’s gentle and pretty slow, he likes taking his time and seeing you turned on and wet just for him. It gives him so much confidence to see that he’s really worth your time (poor guy haven’t dated anyone before you)

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

Pretty often if you ask me. You both go to university and you don’t have much time to do anything. However, you wish you had more free time and not use the weekends mostly for sex.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

YEAH, especially when Chad isn’t out with Tara. Chad might be in the kitchen cooking something and Ethan sometimes asks you to let him fuck you while he’s at home but with one condition, holding back your moans. Which you can’t.. but that’s the interesting part!

Talking about other risks, he breeds you and he knows you might get pregnant even with birth control on since the condoms are “out of stock” for y’all 😭 you don’t really use protection. He gets off at the thought of you having his kids. And you probs do too. Fucking weirdos. (hj)

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

Many rounds. He can’t get enough of you. If a round you and he think is too short, you’ll go for another one..and another..and the cycle never ends. Till you fall asleep.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

He does own a mini vibrator with a remote control. You can’t even imagine how hard he gets when he sees your tired face while he’s overstimulating you with it.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

I wouldn’t call it teasing, neither would he. He just likes taking his time!!

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

He does whimper when he’s close and curses, stuff like that. At first he tried to hold in but you told him you get turned on whenever you hear those erotic noises he makes.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

Phone sex. That’s it.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

I gotta ask, how could you even take it? he’s like 6’5 and has a 7 inch dick, not to mention he also goes to gym and you fold everytime you see him doing push-ups, let alone doing you in bed. (smash)

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

Very high. I don’t know what you’ve expected.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Right after you. But he’s a worried cutie patootie so he might ask you several times if you’re okay!

[actual-changeling]

Welcome back to a meta post that was not supposed to exist, but I fucking love answering questions, so here we are.

i got an ask (the answer contains a tl;dr) about why I think Crowley has unstable relationship patterns, and the following will be a detailed look at why this is the case, how Aziraphale plays into it, and what it ultimately means for the two of them.

This won't be as unhinged as my usual analyses, so consider this a special edition of Alex's unhinged meta corner - now hinged.

As always, please remember that this is my personal interpretation—not a generalization—and that genuine questions are welcome, either here on the post or in my inbox!

Everything I will say is based on research I have done, books & studies, and many, many conversations with my therapist (and at points my psychiatrist too); just so you know I'm not making shit up as I go.

Now, in the context of trauma-related/based disorders, what exactly does it mean to have unstable relationship patterns, and how does it apply to Crowley and Aziraphale's relationship?

Canonically, heaven does not care about what Aziraphale is doing and they are not keeping an eye on him. We know this both from references in the script and their dialogue and what we see throughout the show as a whole. That "fear" of being found out should he openly commit to Crowley is, for the most part, self-fabricated.

Yes, hell would potentially punish him (that potentially is another long post), but that is not something Aziraphale gets to take and use against Crowley, and the fact that does it anyway to 'prove' that he is not behaving incorrectly is a big issue.

What that leaves them with is a very common and well-known relationship pattern that requires a lot of self-awareness, control, and work to break it.

Aziraphale and Crowley get closer, spend more time together, their relationship grows and the intimacy increases, resulting in their behaviour changing to reflect that. They go on more romantic-coded dates (e.g. 1827, whatever the fuck 1941 was), eat together more frequently, drink together and feel comfortable enough to get drunk drunk while in each other's company—which always carries the inherent risk of doing something 'forbidden' while their impulse control is lowered.

I think the second episode of season one is actually a great example for all of this. When they drive to Tadfield, there's a mutually respectful conversation, they tease each other, they bicker like an old married couple, and don't fall into blaming the other for the situation they're in. At the manor, they are openly flirting from the start, laughing about the paintball guns and blowing kisses to miracle away stains, and the wall slam scene honestly speaks for itself.

I wrote a detailed analysis of it right here, which contains the conclusion that the entire interaction was intentional and orchestrated by the two of them.

They are doing great, they're comfortable, intimate—both physically and emotionally—and their sides are already on their asses about the apocalypse, so why not commit to the relationship?

Because Aziraphale gets scared, scared of intimacy, scared of what it would mean for his life, scared of what it would force him to confront (his faith, mostly, which is another gigantic topic), scared of the changes it would bring to their relationship, scared of breaking out of the pattern they have been moving in since the very beginning.

So he pushes, hard. He insults and denies and hurts Crowley to get as far away from all of that as possible. Push & pull, no matter when, no matter why, it's always the same.

At this point you might be thinking Alex, this is all on Aziraphale, how is this also Crowley's unstable relationship pattern? The answer to that question can be roughly summarized in one sentence:

He does not punish or discourage Aziraphale's behaviour.

There are NEVER lasting—if any—negative consequences for Aziraphale when he forces them into the push/pull dynamic, when he insults him, denies their relationship, calls him evil, you name it. No matter what Aziraphale does, Crowley always forgives and forgets and comes back to him, essentially resetting their loop. That way there cannot be any progress because they're not moving a single inch in either direction that isn't carefully organized and controlled by Aziraphale.

Why does Crowley not confront him? Because he is scared too.

Now, THIS is the part where I explain why I said Crowley has unstable relationship patterns. It is important to understand that Aziraphale's kind of instability is only one possible manifestation, and that they are—broadly speaking—on opposite ends of the spectrum, which not only makes them incredibly compatible, but also makes them worse.

Crowley is terrified of losing Aziraphale permanently and being on his own. God rejected him, heaven rejected him, hell rejected him—his life as been one traumatic incident after the other with a strong focus on abandonment and neglect, especially from people he cared about.

He says himself that Aziraphale is his only friend, he doesn't have anyone or anything else. The bookshop is Aziraphale's anchor, but Crowley has nothing except the Bentley and whatever Aziraphale allows him to partake in. Hell can take his job, his flat, punish and torture him as they please, and make his life, well, hell.

With the Bentley only appearing in the early 20th century, for 99% of his life he had nothing except for Aziraphale, his best friend, the person he loves.

So what does he do? He clings, he circles him and tries to push his orbit just a tiny bit closer whenever there's a gap he can use, trying to solidify their relationship. Terrified of being abandoned again, he swallows and ignores everything and anything negative.

The final fifteen are the FIRST TIME that Aziraphale asked him for something and he said no without changing his mind later—and it was literally the worst case scenario, the one boundary he has that he is not willing to cross for him, literally the barest minimum.

Every other time he relented, gave in, apologized for something that wasn't his fault, have Aziraphale everything he wanted from Hamlet over shooting a gun at his face to giving him the Bentley. Crowley's primary objective is to do whatever it takes to avoid being abandoned, so whenever Aziraphale DOES push back and abandons him/says that he will, he panics. He panics even more when there is an outside source threatening Aziraphale's presence in his life.

Look at how frantic he is when he finds Aziraphale after the bandstand, trying to say whatever it takes to get him to come with him. He does the apology dance, gives in when it comes to Gabriel, and never reacts to Aziraphale in a way that would prompt him to re-think the choices he is making, let alone stop doing the push/pull.

His identity revolves around Aziraphale, his only relationship is with Aziraphale, he allows him to shape him to his liking as far as he can take and then some, he needs him to be happy, to enjoy himself, to live a life worth living—and Aziraphale needs him to be and do all of those things so he can keep up his behaviour.

They are dangerously co-dependent and just spiral deeper and deeper until they hit rock bottom and are forced to separate.

Look, I have BPD on top of everything else, I have been in a relationship with this exact pattern in Crowley's role, and it is fucking horrible. Absolutely unbearable. My ex-partner was like Aziraphale, pulling and pushing and pulling and pushing but on a daily basis, every few hours. No amount of talking or begging could get them to not behave in a way that would hurt me, and I was so emotionally tied to them and terrified of being alone that just like Crowley, I relented every. single. time. A year and a half and they never, not ONCE, apologized for anything. Ever. Not for hurting me, not for being an asshole, nothing.

The only way I got out was with a lot of therapy, support, and so much emotional work I was having several panic attacks a day because I was so fucking exhausted. Crowley and Aziraphale separating was the best thing that ever happened to their relationship.

Now, Aziraphale is facing negative consequences for his behaviour and is forced to examine himself and deal with all those fears causing him to behave the way he does. Crowley on the other hand is now forced to learn how to exist without Aziraphale to orbit around—he needs to develop an identity that exists outside of Aziraphale, so he can have boundaries and stick to them.

[eye-may]

idk if you even read fanfiction lol but do you have any recs from the cats fandom, i love your headcanons so i trust your judgement lol

originally I had two paragraphs ranting about how mad I was at my past self for not bookmarking some of the fics I wanted to recommend, and how categorically worse than useless google is in times of crises, but I'm happy to report that I did manage to trundle through enough digital ether to eventually find the elusive yarns. I did it for you, anon.

so yes btw needless to say I do occasionally partake.

anyway, I have extremely unregulateable, tunnel-visioned interests, so these are all at least somewhat mistoffelees or tuggoffelees centric.

after deliberation I have decided to confine this list to longform bc I am too indecisive to cherrypick which oneshots/shortforms to include and tumblr simply does not have the character capacity for me to log them all. might just have to make a whole separate ass post for that.

this list is incomprehensive and in no particular order. fuck it we ball?

I think all my ducks are in a row but if one of the links turns out to be wrong or smth pls lmk, I will fix it and then call the police on myself

I Call Out Your Name, But You Don't Call Back by Anonymous - COMPLETE / 43.8k words

Misto wakes up thinking he was kidnapped by Macavity. Luckily Tugger is there to assure him it was just a nightmare.

a good long look at some quite literal psychic damage wrought by Macavity. really delves into how his sith mid tricks fuck with Mistoffelees, who struggles to discern what's real and what's not. I love how this fic focuses on the depths of Macavity's ostensible hypnotic powers and how well it grapples with psychological fuckery via the pov in a literary sense. and also it has tugger being devoted and comforting. I could hardly ask for more. (also it includes cool art).

Curiosity Killed the Cat by StarFar - INCOMPLETE / 222k words

Munkustrap and Tugger's relationship had never run smooth, mostly thanks to their very different personalities, but when Tugger takes an interest in the newly arrived nephew of the esteemed Bustopher Jones things get complicated. Quaxo himself has little interest in making friends. All he wants to do is to look after his twin sister and keep his magic hidden, he didn't think that was too much to ask. But things get even more complicated when even more new arrivals show up, this time with links to the long banished Macavity. Despite this the Rum Tum Tugger is a curious cat who just can't help but get involved, and it turns out Munkustrap isn't so different to him after all. And we all know what they say about cats and curiosity.

first of all, yes it's incomplete, BUT I honestly think it leaves off in a satisfying place. as you can see by the word count it is VERY! long, so it's hard to describe it succinctly, but I will try lol. it's dark, it's dynamic, and it expands extensively on two relationships that I hold dear: tugger+mistoffelees, and macavity+mistoffelees. and it also runs a wider gamut of varying, fully-realized relationships(i.e., Mistoffelees and Bombalurina having an intriguing, and sometimes funny, friendship). this fic deals a lot with an abusive false imprisonment and shows a lot of self-sacrificiality on Mistoffelees's part, as well as his attempts to both endure, and outsmart, Macavity. and in that vein, it explores moral ambiguity and the Batman/Joker trappings of the infinitely juicy Live Long Enough To See Yourself Become The Villain web of drama. amidst which is a lot of focus on the specificity of Mistoffelees's powers, his limitations, and shows how he evolves with (mostly coerced) practice and training. also it contains some of the most extensive and unapologetic whump and angst I have seen in any CATS fanfiction, and a luxuriously long recovery section. the fic is not without levity however (the BEEF between bustopher and skimble is so fucking funny to me)...suffice to say it contains multitudes lol. starfar...you have done the lords work.

A Different Kind by TheGirlWithBrightEyes - COMPLETE / 52.2k words

Quaxo is a cat with powers - and a lot of problems. When he escapes from his new owner's house in an act of desperation, he finds himself brought into a tribe of mostly stray cats and has to come to terms with his new life and the loss of his family. At the same time, Quaxo's powers that were not under his control from the start are quickly spiralling out of control making him a danger to the others. He needs to gain control fast before anyone gets hurt - including himself.

A really heartwarming "origin story" with an ADORABLE explanation for how Quaxo came to adopt the name "Mr. Mistoffelees." including a wide variety of soft, fluffy friendships and an intriguing interpretation of the difficult journey Mistoffelees had to take in order to ingratiate into the junkyard and get his powers under control. incidentally contains really cute friendship moments between Mistoffelees and Alonzo, which is a pairing I wish to see more often. and the most hilarious and believable depiction of Tugger I think I've ever read lmao

Kidnapped by the Fire by Anubis44 / INCOMPLETE / 39.6k words

"They all stood there. Dead silent. Nobody was moving a muscle. Only thing heard was a faint growl. The unconscious body of Mister Mistoffelees was hovering just above the ground right next to The Hidden Paw himself." Macavity desides to torment the Jellicle Tribe (and his brothers) as revenge for the Jellicle Ball and leaves everyone hurt in one way or another.

evidently never going to be finished, but what's left to us is marvelous. unambiguously Evil Macavity and lots of whump to go around if you're into that lmao. pretty much everybody amply suffers, as promised in the author's summary.

Gold Rush by millenari / COMPLETE / 174.7k words

In the aftermath of his bout of heroics at the Jellicle Ball, Misto finds himself with a newfound -and unwanted- popularity brought on by his and Tugger's performance. After one too many incidents from which Misto escapes his new fans by the skin of his teeth, Tugger informs him that he needs to change things up. The plan they end up hatching in order to do so is unconventional to say the least. But brought to the end of his rope by his new admirers, dreading the approach of the yearly heat season, and busy tending to his sister in the aftermath of her own abrupt transition into adulthood, Misto figures that pretending to be mates with his best friend since kittenhood couldn't possibly make his life any more harrowing. And it's not like such a small lie is going to actually hurt anyone. Right?

my fav. slice of life! expansive glimpses into the banalities of Jellicle culture! angst! levity! contains some of my favorite descriptions of Mistoffelees struggling to understand and wield his own magic. and what if I told you that the most relatable, accurate, meticulous, sensitive, and believable depiction in writing of neurodivergence and social anxiety I've ever encountered can be found in a longform tuggoffelees fanfiction? what then??

Catalyst by FlyingFritz / COMPLETE / 47k words

There's a shift in the air. Quaxo can feel it. A strange, alluring presence taunts him in his dreams despite his attempts to ignore it. The more he tries to push it down, the more insistent it becomes, leading to explosive, dangerous results. Meanwhile, Tugger tries to puzzle out the enigma that is Quaxo and learns that there is more to this cat than meets the eye. Misto/Tugger

first of all this took me HOURS to find. ig it's not on ao3 or if it is I can't find it on there. but anyway! this was one of the first CATS ffs I read and it has a really neat take on the quaxo-eventually-embodies-and/or-becomes-Mistoffelees pipeline. ik there's a handful of fics out there that grapple with the concept, but I particularly enjoy how this one interprets the separation (or lack thereof) between the two personas. I want to get it into it further but am gallantly restraining myself to avoid spoilers. also: tugger kind of bumbling through the entire convoluted series of events is funny and cute. AND you get a lot of good pounce and tumble.

He's Always Wide Awake! by Maliex / COMPLETE / 14.7k words

The Jellicle Cats are settling down again after the intense Ball where Grizabella went to the Heaviside Layer. Important conversations are had, and Mistoffelees adjusts to his new power levels and position in the Clan. But he knows - a storm is brewing on the horizon, one that he will have to be in the middle of.

again!! I searched for HOURS!!! I was so mad at my past self for not having bookmarked this fic for whatever god foresaken reason. hopefully my devotion to hunting it down is a sufficient indication of the impression it left upon me lmao. before I continue, it's worth noting that this is a part of a series, but this is the only installment of the series that I've read. so I can't speak to its predecessors or how worthwhile it is to read the entire trilogy in succession. idk do w that information what you will.

anyway, this fic has one of my fav interpretations of magic and the ways in which Mistoffelees and Macavity differ regarding their relationships with it. the author also has an infinitely interesting and juicy take on Macavity's backstory and why he is the way he is...and the ways the characters and their interpersonal dynamics evolve are riveting. also this version of Mistoffelees is really curt and just like...Done With All Bullshit Ever and I think it's funny lmao. btw if you're into Deut Family Dynamics (tm)...plenty here!

okay that's enough *for now* ig. shout out to fanfiction authors...yall are really out here providing hours of entertainment for FREE?!! all of you are amazing.

[eemamminy-art]

You have turned me from a Zenos hater into a Zenos ambilaventer keep posting and you might manage to turn me into a Zenos lover

If you already hated him though is me drawing him really going to make that big of a difference? 😩 Like I know I give him a fat ass and extremely delicious nose in my artwork but now I feel compelled to give you my tedtalk on why I like zenos lmao

This is about to be really long and also contains spoilers for stormblood, shadowbringers, and endwalker

This might surprise you but I like Zenos for his characterization and storyline in the game itself! The fanart is just kind of a bonus. He's one of many examples in Stormblood of a character that is shaped by their experiences, though I think it's not told as successfully as it is for like, Fordola, Arenvald, or Yotsuyu, because a key part of his backstory was locked to a short story in a print-only book (which I think is out of print now). The most you see of it in the actual game is this blink and you miss it line from Lyse at the very end of 4.0:

(Dialog from the quest "Stormblood", patch 4.0)

What really, really appeals to me about Zenos though, is that he is the personification of depression and that really resonates with me. He has anything he could possibly want, he has accomplished a great many things, but he feels completely hollow inside. He's miserable. He slaughtered countless Domans including their leader and felt nothing, commanded to do it by his father because (as shown in that short story) he only ever was acknowledged to even exist to his father when he practiced violence. So it's a given now, that's what's expected of him and that's all his life is. He's completely desensitized.

He finds one thing that makes him feel alive, that is the warrior of light challenging him, and it becomes his sole focus. Nothing else matters but chasing that high, because every single other thing is a low. After being bested by the warrior of light for the very last time, faced with probably prison for his crimes, he decides to die by his own hand on that high note rather than go back to the drudgery and misery that is everything else.

It's why in endwalker he can be swayed to do something good at the very, very end. He doesn't have a moral compass because he was shaped into an attack dog by his father, he sees "righteousness" as an excuse for war. Because I mean, what else is Garlean propaganda but righteousness from their twisted perspective? He asks Jullus if he would be happier had he a good reason to kill so many garleans after killing his own father— he makes it plain that death is death and there is no justice or good or evil in his eyes. He did have a reason, and it was that his father's use of black rose would likely kill the warrior of light, the only person or thing that gave Zenos any joy in life. Later, it was that Fandaniel dangled the idea that the warrior of light would be attracted to the slaughter and would come running to stop him so he killed more people during the civil war after the emperor's death. But he doesn't need to say that that was why. The reason doesn't matter, he knows the action would not change no matter how it was justified. Even if it was a "good" reason, death is death.

(Dialog from the quest "The Time Between the Seconds", patch 4.0)

(Dialog from the quest "As the Heavens Burn", patch 6.0)

I often see people take Alisaie's part in that scene as her convincing him to be a better person but that's really not what happens. He knows if he takes that action that others perceive as good and helps to stop Endsinger, he could have that high again in facing the warrior of light one more time. He could find joy and meaning, even for a fleeting moment. Then once again end it all because he fears returning to the low monotony of life. It's all over his dialog, especially in Endwalker. The dialog at the very end where he asks the warrior of light if they feel fulfilled, I know is meant to be a bit more of a meta question toward the player themselves, but I'd like to think it's Zenos comparing how different his outlook is to the warrior of light's. The warrior of light has many things keeping them going, whereas Zenos is drowning in despair with only one bright spot that he is constantly chasing time and time again.

(Dialog from the quest "Friends Gathered", patch 6.0)

those three tiny lines can hold so much zenoswol yearning in them AAAAAAAAAAAAA I AM not well

I personally still feel like there was room for him to survive that and to be gently guided into more and more good and try to undo some of that conditioning but I think he might be too polarizing of a character for him to become a permanent ally in canon. Much as I would love to see that! I have to wonder if the mentions of him in the 6.X patches that bounced between positive and negative were testing the waters, but I will leave my tinfoil hat aside because this post is already WAY too long lmao

I understand why people dislike him: they think he enjoys murder because he does it without "a good reason", they don't like how obsessive he becomes toward the warrior of light who is an extension of the player themselves, they don't like that in Fandaniel's scheme in "in from the cold" Zenos is the one inhabiting the warrior of light's body. Totally get it, totally understand.

I'm just saying I see the complexity to him and I find it compelling. Just as I found the overwhelming grief and despair that motivated Nidhogg or Emet-selch or Elidibus to be compelling. I think what people miss though when you like an antagonist is that feeling empathy toward them means you don't feel empathy toward the people they harmed, or that you somehow agree with what they did. But really, I just love seeing these characters that are faced with such tragedy or misery that they start to lose sight of right and wrong. They're driven entirely by emotions. For a story where emotions are literally power, I think it's a really interesting angle to take with the antagonists of that story.

Man, where was I going with this? 😂 I just love Zenos... I don't think I will be convincing anyone to like him who doesn't already, and that's not at all my intent. I just thought I'd share my perspective a little bit after getting this ask!

[couldawouldashoulda50]

From Completely Different Worlds - The Sweden Chapter - Part Seven

Previous parts 1 2 3 4 5 6 In continuation of @misshoneyimhome's birthday celebration, here is Part 7 of The Sweden Chapter. This chapter had to be split in two, so I have entitled it "The Beginning of the End". The second part will be posted soon, and will be aptly titled "The End". Thank you, Sophia. You have been such an excellent co-creator and audience for this fic - which started out as just this random idea where I thought William and Loren would meet, he would be attracted to her and then the smut would delicious and fun and that would be it. I have so much appreciation for the engagement and notes on this fic and I have learned a great deal about the whole writing process with this story. Thanks to all who have taken the time to read these long-ass chapters.

Word count on this one - about 9k (sorry)

No real warnings except for some profanity.

The gravel crunched softly under the tires as William eased the car into the driveway of the Nylanders’ lake house. The rays from the late morning sun illuminated the deep red siding of the house, warming the south-western deck and the vibrant flower containers perched atop each support post.

In the backseat, Pablo was already on his hind legs, his tail wagging furiously, unable to contain his excitement. Banksy, always mimicking his dog sibling, had leapt into Loren’s lap the moment the car turned into the driveway, his wet nose streaking the window as he panted excitedly.

“Okay, boys—give me a sec! Jesus, you were just here not that long ago,” William said with a laugh, shifting the car into park.

Loren kissed Banksy’s head before opening the passenger door and stepping out to let Pablo free. The two dogs bolted from the car, zooming across the yard before finding a tree to lift a leg to. Their energy never failed to entertain Loren as she giggled to herself.

She stood for a moment, shielding her eyes from the sun with her hand. The light from the sun danced atop each peak of the tiny waves that formed on the lake, making the water shimmer like diamonds. This place - where William spent much of his off-season - a place that exuded fun-filled family gatherings and long-standing traditions. Loren had now been a small part of William’s off-season plans, and had fallen in love with this place, his family and friends, and dare she even think about the depths of her feelings for William. But the reality was Loren had no idea what the future might bring. Her chest heavy with emotion as the thought hit her: this might be the last time she’d ever see this view.

William rounded the car and paused when he saw her. Loren was clearly lost in thought, her gaze fixed on the lake, the sun catching her long, light brown hair and the bronze of her exposed skin. He didn’t say anything right away, just watched her quietly.

William startled her as he approached her from behind. “You ok?”

Loren could feel the pin prick of tears threatening, so she bit the inside of her lip and nodded.

William wasn’t buying it. He soothingly rubbed her shoulders and pulled her back into his chest. “What is it - what’s going on?”

Loren placed her hands over his. “Please don’t take this like I’m hinting at anything…but I’ve loved every single second that I’ve been here, and it’s just - I know I’m really going to miss it,” she said softly. “I have had the most amazing and incredible time everywhere we've gone….but I think here has been my favourite.”

William knew in his heart that he wanted Loren to come back next off-season. And the one after that, and every one beyond that stretching long into the future. Somehow though, he and Loren had ended up in this situationship. Looking back, he could see how they had evolved into it, but William knew the time had come for them to communicate what they wanted from one another. A pang of anxiousness rippled through his stomach—a rare feeling for him, and a sign that he wasn’t entirely sure of their outcome. That uncertainty alone went against everything in William’s nature.

Before William could say anything, Loren first kissed his hand, then turned towards him and kissed him lightly on the mouth. And without saying a word, she grabbed the bags of groceries from the trunk for the French versus Swedish sandwich showdown that Michael and Loren had planned.

William followed with the rest of the bags, smiling to himself as he heard Camilla’s joy-filled greeting when Loren walked through the front door.

The plan for the next handful of days before Loren’s departure was simple: they would stay put at the lake house, letting family and friends come to them to catch up and visit. That day’s social agenda would begin with lunch for four - Michael, Camilla, Loren and William. The afternoon would be free to relax and then just before dinnertime, a rather large gathering had been planned with all the siblings, extended family, and friends from far and wide.

In William’s room, Loren began to unpack a few things while William chatted with his parents. He entered the room and quietly closed the door behind him.

Gazing at her with the air of a slightly cocky smirk, he leaned against his door.

A crooked grin formed on her mouth. “Are you allowed to be alone with girls in your bedroom?”

William failed miserably at looking innocent “It’s happened once or twice….my parents haven’t said anything yet.”

Loren slowly slid her teeth along her bottom lip. “And these what - one or two girls that you were left alone with, were they well behaved or a little naughty?”

William raised an eyebrow, his smirk deepening into a grin as he pushed off the door. He stopped just short of her, his hands sliding casually into his pockets as his gaze lingered on hers. “Depends on your definition of naughty - I mean, which one are you?” he asked, his voice dropping to the low gravelly tone that always sent a shiver down her spine.

Loren slipped out of her clothing, dawning a light pink mesh bra with matching panties. William’s cock twitched and his mouth fell open. Earlier that morning, Loren was fully dressed when he returned from walking the dogs - it never occurred to him that she might be wearing something that tantalizing underneath her jeans and light sweater.

She turned to him, her fingers grazing the waistband of his jeans. “I’ll be whatever you make me in the moment - nice or naughty - whatever you want,” she purred before breaking out into a teasing smile.

William chuckled followed by a low moan. He wet his lips and swallowed as he looked down at her beautiful breasts, sliding his hands from his pockets to her waist. His hands continued to move upward along her ribcage before they landed on both mounds. “You’re making it hard - “ William paused sheepishly for effect “to decide what I want, that is.”

Loren ran her hands up under William’s shirt, her nails grazing his skin trailing a path back down over the ridges of his muscles.

“Fuck it - I want both. You can be - do - whatever you want,” William murmured against her lips before lifting her up, kissing her in the process.

William gently set her back down, adjusting the crotch of his jeans as she casually went about changing into older clothes to do some cooking in.

As she dressed, Loren’s eyes trailed down to the outline of his hardness showing by his zipper and huffed out a small laugh.

William looked down at his aroused member and looked back at Loren. “This is all on you…..”

Pulling her hair into a loose bun, Loren did her best “Poor baby” expression as she pulled on her leggings and then her sneakers. “I might’ve helped you with that but a) I’m half in charge for lunch; b) i wouldn’t want your parents to regret not putting us in separate rooms; and c) you know as well as I do that I like to take my time with…him…” Loren nodded towards William’s member.

William grinned but his heart twisted a little. He loved the banter; it was always good-natured and he loved how their humour always seemed to mesh well. But watching her move effortlessly around the room - it felt like she had always been there with him. There was something about the way she fit into his life so naturally that made him reel a little.

Loren approached him suggestively . Trying to keep the moment light, William joked “I know what you’re gonna say. You gonna tell me how gorgeous I am.”

Loren stepped closer, kissed him lightly, and let her lips linger just long enough to make him wish she hadn’t stopped. “You’re annoyingly perfect, William Nylander,” doing her best Swedish accent on his last name. “Are you coming out now?”

He chuckled at her enunciation of his last name. “Be there in a sec.”

When Loren left the room, her soft laugh blending with his dad’s voice from the kitchen, William stayed where he was for a moment.

If inviting Loren to Sweden acted as some kind of litmus test in their relationship, Loren passed it with flying colors. She hadn’t just fit into his world—she’d thrived in it.

William discovered a boundless happiness when in her presence. He was so proud to have her on his arm. It wasn’t just her classic beauty that caught people’s attention—she carried herself with an incredible grace. She was genuine, unassuming, and utterly captivating in a way that made her stand out from anyone he’d ever known.

He was intensely attracted to her—not just physically, though that part was undeniable. She matched his energy with her own kind of fire, one that burned bright and steady. She was as sexually charged as he was but with an extra layer of something that left him breathless.

The list of things he saw in her only seemed to grow the more he got to know her.

But all of those feelings were tangled up in the ache he felt whenever he thought about her leaving. It was a weight that had settled on his chest since the moment he realized how much he wanted her to stay. He hated the idea of saying goodbye—of spending the last weeks of his off-season without her here.

He knew she couldn’t stay. Loren had commitments back home, a life that was just as important to her as hockey was to him. But knowing that didn’t make it any easier.

William sighed, running a hand through his hair as he tried to process the whirlwind of emotions she stirred in him. Shaking it off, he pushed himself off the wall and headed toward the kitchen, the sound of her infection giggle making his heart swell once more.

The kitchen boasted clean lines of typical Scandinavian design with sleek white cabinetry and subtle wood accents. The large windows overlooking the lake provided the perfect amount of natural light and gave the space a calm, inviting feel. A long island with a butcher block countertop stood at the center, flanked by bar stools and lined with an assortment of ingredients for lunch.

Loren and Michael stood at the counter having a quick sip of wine as he regaled her with stories of his family and their extensive travels. They began to arrange the ingredients for their respective dishes - Michael’s signature räksmörgås—shrimp sandwiches that William had grown up loving and Loren with the Croque Monsieur that she made William during her brief stay with him at the start of the playoffs.

William leaned against the island beside Camilla, sipping a glass of wine as he watched the easy flow of conversation between Loren and his dad. The space felt alive with laughter and the clatter of utensils. This was the kind of moment William had longed for in his dating life. The object of all of his affection and desires beside the patriarch of their close knit family.

“Loren and your father get along so well,” Camilla remarked with a gentle smile, nodding toward the counter.

William huffed a soft laugh. “Yeah, they’re both in their element—it’s really awesome to see, eh?”

Camilla glanced at him, her expression thoughtful. “It is. She’s really quite something, William.”

Her tone was light, but hearing those words coming from his mother carried weight, which settled somewhere deep in his chest. He swirled the wine in his glass, the familiar ache creeping back as he thought about how temporary this moment felt.

Loren caught his eye from across the room and smiled, a soft, knowing look that made his chest both tighten and relax at the same time.

[In Swedish] “I’m going to step outside for a bit,” William quietly said, topping up the wine in his glass.

Camilla knew not to press him while he tried to work out whatever was in his head. She watched him in silence as he walked toward the deck.

William leaned against the railing, looking out over the lake as the breeze made intricate designs atop the water’s surface.

He looked around at the Edison and fairy lights that hung loosely around the branches and tree trunks throughout the property. Once dusk hits, they’re going to look fantastic he mused to himself. It seemed the family had been rather busy while William and Loren were away decorating, prepping buffet tables and the large fire pit with dry brush for the large get together that evening with friends and family.

After tossing back the remnants of wine into his mouth, he absentmindedly rolled the empty wine glass lightly between his hands as his thoughts swirled. He’d never been one to dwell on the “what ifs” in life, but with Loren, it felt impossible not to.

The soft creak of the screen door behind him broke his train of thought. He didn’t need to turn around to know it was his mom.

“Please don’t break my wine glass, William,” Camilla said teasingly. She knew William was smiling at her quip. “You’ve been a little quiet,” Camilla continued softly, stepping onto the deck with her own glass of wine. She slid onto one of the lounge chairs near him and shielded her eyes from the sun as she at William, patiently awaiting his response.

William smiled faintly, setting his empty glass down on the railing. “Just... thinking.”

Camilla nodded, her expression warm. “About?”

Glancing down at the deck boards, he repeatedly stepped on the loose board before meeting her gaze. “About Loren.”

Camilla took a sip of her wine, waiting for him to continue.

“I’m not used to this feeling - like how strong these feelings are, and how quickly it’s all happened. Even asking her to come here - when I asked her if she could come to visit... it had told her it was because I missed her,” William admitted after a moment. “And I did - but it was weird, because it felt like I had to have her come here. I was so anxious to see what it would feel like having her here with me—if she would get along with everyone…..if everyone would like her. I mean, how shitty would it be to start seeing her at the start of next season, only to bring her here next summer and she hates it here? Or worse yet, what if there were issues between you guys and her…I don’t know if I could handle that. Especially not after the last one.”

Camilla nodded as she listened to William rhyme off his thoughts.

She took a sip of wine. “And? What do you think now?” Camilla asked, her tone gentle.

William sighed as he lowered himself into an adjacent chair. “She fits in better than I ever could’ve imagined.”

Camilla nodded once again.

William continued. “But it’s more than that—it’s her. It’s like getting to spend this time with her has sort of confirmed all the good things that I thought I saw when I first met her - even more actually. At the beginning - she was pretty shy and just so…” William gestured that Loren was a bit wide-eyed when she first met him. “But God, Mom - I feel like I can relax around her. We can talk or not talk or laugh about stupid shit. She’s just—she’s so easy to be with. The only thing is that it just feels like a lot... a lot because it happened pretty quickly. I wasn’t expecting any of this, and neither was she.”

Camilla smiled knowingly, setting her glass down beside her. “I think it’s good that neither of you were expecting it. William, you’ve found someone that you genuinely enjoy being around. - that is a good thing.”

William glanced out at the lake, his voice softer now. “It feels weird to think this, let alone say it but - I don’t want her to leave. ”

Camilla’s smile faded slightly, her expression shifting to one of understanding. “It’s not a bad thing that she has her own life, William. You’ll both have to find a way to balance that as time goes on.”

“I know,” he said, running a hand through his hair. “I'm a bit worried too that my life - it’s a lot for her to have to deal with. It’s not like we started dating when we were younger so she could ease into what my life is like now. It freaks me out sometimes - I don’t want anything to screw this up.”

Camilla reached over, placing a hand on his arm. “Loren strikes me as a woman that can weather the highs and lows of being in a relationship with you, and everything in between. She sees who you are - and what you are - and I feel that is such an important thing, as the two sometimes can be very different. I’m not telling you what to do or how to feel. If you are honest with yourself of what you truly want, that’s half the battle. The other half is talking to her about how you feel….to find out if she’s wanting the same thing. But I see the way you two look at each other - the way you are around each other - I think you've found something really special.”

William glanced at her, the weight in his chest easing just slightly at her reassurance.

“Thanks, Mom,” he said quietly, a small appreciative smile spanned his face.

Camilla squeezed his arm gently before picking up her glass. “Of course, älskling.” She stood, pausing briefly before heading back inside.

William stayed on the deck a little longer, letting the lake view calm his insides, and he grinned to himself as the sounds of laughter and delicious smells wafted from inside.

As it went, the sandwich showdown was a success as it was no longer about choosing a “winner” between the two options. Michael’s shrimp sandwiches had quickly become Loren’s favorite, though Michael and Camilla couldn’t stop praising the Croque Monsieur she’d prepared, calling it a decadent, once-in-a-while treat. William indulged in it all and had to change into some looser track pants to feel a little more comfortable afterwards.

—

Cleaning up from lunch, William and Loren moved effortlessly around the kitchen, their movements in a natural rhythm as if they’d done this a hundred times before. Michael scrolled through messages on his phone at the counter, and Loren smiled to herself, thinking, like father, like son.

While sipping wine and exchanging family stories, the three of them had formed an assembly line: Loren washing, William drying, and Camilla putting away the larger pots and pans that couldn’t go into the dishwasher.

The rich aroma from the three slow cookers, each filled with Swedish meatballs, wafted through the space, making Loren’s mouth water despite still being full from lunch. There was enough to feed half of Sweden—or at least the Nylander and Altelius families, which felt just as large.

The conversation during lunch, which incidentally revolved around food, delved into Loren’s French-centric upbringing and the cuisine which went along with it. The Nylanders could understand and appreciate this element well, being very Swedish-centric themselves. Michael wanted to know more about the decadent dishes that Loren had learned to make since she was young, which incorporated an interesting fusion between traditional Quebec and Parisian cuisine. With the mere mention of a recipe for a popular side-dish that Loren often made for large gatherings in the past, dauphinoise potatoes, Camilla was convinced that it would be a wonderful addition to the buffet scheduled that evening. Loren was soon making a list of ingredients, and with the promise of making them that evening (which pleased Loren to no end to do), Camilla and Michael ventured off to run the last minute errands.

Once Michael’s car was out of sight, William turned to Loren, opening his arms for a hug. Loren stepped into his embrace and with her arms wrapping around him, her hands trailed up his muscular back. She closed her eyes, enjoyed the peace of the moment and just breathed him in.

William kissed the top of her head. “I think it’s time for a nap. Are you tired? There’s a hammock we can both squeeze into…we can watch the lake and doze.”

“Mmm….I can always sleep….and I’ll never give up a chance to nap with you.” Loren replied affectionately, tilting her head up to kiss him sweetly.

Loren meandered out to the hammock with both dogs in tow, while William fetched a blanket. Despite the warmth of the afternoon sun, there was a crispness to the breeze which implied autumn was not far off.

Although she was skeptical at first with how comfortable the hammock would be for one person, let alone two adults and two dogs, the four were soon cocooned all together under the blanket with relative ease. Loren lay on her side, her head resting on a small pliable pillow in the crook of William’s underarm. William had strategically, yet comfortably, wrapped his arms around Loren. With the lake as a serene backdrop, she felt William’s chest rise and fall with every steady breathe as sleep found him first.

As Loren lay in William’s arms, her thoughts wandered to the future. The Sweden fairytale would end tomorrow, and the uncertainty of what came next weighed heavy. She’d ignored asking all the “uncomfortable” questions with her ex, and look where that had gotten her.

Perhaps a new one would begin for her and William in Toronto, but deep down, she couldn’t bet on any of it.

Maybe he’d ghost her.

Maybe he’ll keep playing the field after she leaves.

Maybe she is just one woman out of many that he spends time with.

Maybe it’s all of the above. Maybe it’s none of it.

She knew she was too far gone with her feelings for William to ignore the questions that rattled in her head. She had ignored similar questions with her ex, suppressing every single one until it was too late. And look where that had gotten her.

William shifted, his hand which rested on her hip squeezed her playfully and then slid up her backside. She felt him pause, tilt his head downward, and pressed a long kiss against her forehead. “Are you awake?” William whispered.

Loren nodded and smiled against the warmth of his shirt, running her hand along his torso.

She asked if he was comfortable. William responded with a low chuckle “I’m so comfortable that I might consider not moving for the rest of the day.”

William lay in silence, breathing in the fresh air and Loren’s light fragrance of her hair.

Before talking herself out of it, and with a lot of hesitation and trepidation, she began asking William questions, starting off with the ones that had been circling in her mind that afternoon.

Unsure of how the Q & A would go, or where it would lead, Loren jumped in feet first with asking William about the plethora of women for pro-athletes.

She would just have to work her way back from that.

—

The next morning, Loren woke with a dry mouth and a faint headache pounding in the background, though it hadn’t fully committed yet. Squinting against the bright morning light streaming through the curtains, she turned her head just enough to spot William sprawled on his stomach, the blanket wadded up by his arm, and one leg partially hanging off the bed. His hair stuck up in every direction, and his face was smushed against the pillow in a way that made her smile.

Stretching slowly, Loren let her eyes wander over the room as the memories of the previous night came flooding back. The dancing, the singing, the laughter—it had been one of the most joy-filled evenings she could remember.

Her gaze drifted back to William, who stirred slightly as if sensing her attention. His eyes opened just a crack, dark and bleary from the night before. “Mmm... morning,” he croaked through his dry throat.

“Morning,” Loren replied, her voice raspy. She reached for the glass of water on her nightstand, only to find it empty. “Ugh. I need water.”

William’s lips curved into a sleepy grin. “Hungover? Pretty sure I saw you and Mom clearing out the wine supply last night. You two are a bad influence on each other.”

Loren laughed softly then winced, her headache starting to win the battle. She found a stray bottle of water in her bag and climbed back into bed, draping an arm across his bare back. “It’s your mom - I couldn’t keep up with her and your aunts if I tried. Did you see us? I’m shocked I even have a voice left after belting out the words to every ABBA song on the playlist.”

“Of course I saw you.” William rolled onto his side, propping his head up on one hand as his other hand rested lightly on Loren’s waist. “Dad and I were watching you guys - I think he got some footage of you and Mom, too. Fucking total maniacs.”

Loren grinned, leaning in to kiss his cheek. “She’s amazing. Honestly, the whole night was amazing. I can’t remember the last time I had that much fun.”

William chuckled, brushing a strand of hair from her face. “Well, I think the champagne punch might’ve helped. Not that it did me any favors—you passed out before you could make good on all the promises you whispered to me and Cowboy Bill.”

Loren cocked her head to the side and rolled her eyes. “It was you and your dad that kept topping up our glasses - so you sabotaged yourself.”

“It was sort of worth it, though - you get all mushy and sentimental when you’re hammered,” William teased as he buried his face in her neck. “You’re so perfect William, you could line up every man on the planet and there would none as perfect as you, perfect body, perfect mind - Cowboy Bill - perfect,” William mimicked Loren’s voice as he rhymed off her drunken musings.

Loren pretended to pout, pushing him lightly on the chest. “You’re making fun of me on my last day here? Maybe I overestimated you and your perfection. A perfect man would lay me back and tell me how good those words made him feel. No, wait - he would show me how good those words made him feel - ”

“Ohhhhhh - come here, don’t be like that,” William said, his shit-eating grin widening as he rolled her onto her back and pressed a soft kiss to her lips. “You telling me how perfect you think I am, took me out.” His eyes scanned her face. “And coming from you, phew…that’s really something.”

Loren rolled her eyes but couldn’t suppress her smile. “I’m sorry I let Cowboy Bill down last night.”

William groaned, pulling her closer. “If we didn’t have my parents expecting us downstairs, you could be making it up to him right now…”

—

As noon faded into mid-afternoon, the activity around the lake house began to quiet. One by one, cars were packed, and heartfelt “until next times” were exchanged.

Many of William’s extended family gathered around Loren, each embracing her warmly as they wished her well.

One of Camilla’s sisters squeezed Loren’s hand gently. “Safe travels back to Canada, Loren. I hope we can all keep in touch and that we’ll see you again next summer. So, no goodbyes—just ‘see you soon.’”

Loren’s throat tightened as she tried to steady her voice. “I hope so too. It’s been so wonderful to meet you all.”

Even William’s youngest cousins, who Loren had spent hours playing with to give their parents a much-needed reprieve, came bounding up, forming a little line as they waited their turn to hug her.

William stood behind Loren as they watched another wave of cars disappear down the driveway. His hands rested lightly on her hips, squeezing gently - both playfully to lighten the mood, and reassuringly. He could see Loren holding back her emotions as the thoughts of her own impending departure weighed on her shoulders. His hands didn’t stray far from her as they joined his friends out on the wrap-around deck.

The mood was light despite most of the group nursing varying levels of hangovers. The previous night had been one of the last big blowouts before the end of summer, with William’s loved ones leading the charge until most had passed out in one way or another. Alex and Lisa were nowhere to be seen, seemingly sleeping off the effects of drunkenly seeing the sunrise that morning.

William and Loren shared a lounge chair, with him leaning back comfortably between her legs. Loren did her best to soak in every moment, appreciating not just the view of the lake but the warmth of William’s hands resting on her thighs and the solid weight of his body against hers. She focused on memorizing every detail—the tone of his voice as he and Rasmus discussed the upcoming hockey season, the occasional laughter that lit up his face, and the feeling of being right there with him in this fleeting moment.

As the men’s conversation deepened into offseason trades and team strategies, Malin took it upon herself to slip into the chair next to Loren and William. With a wave of her hand, she shooed William away. “Go sit with the boys so we can have some girl time.”

William chuckled, giving Loren’s thigh one last squeeze before moving to take Lisa’s spot beside Rasmus, while Loren and the women settled into their own conversations.

Lisa smiled at Loren as she made herself comfortable at the end of the lounge chair. “So, are you looking forward to going back home?”

“Hmmm,” Loren said thoughtfully. “In some ways, yes—I miss my house, and I’m excited to see my parents and friends. But honestly, you’ve all made it really hard not to want to stay. You ladies are amazing, and I’m so thankful I’ve met you.”

Malin’s bottom lip turned downward in an exaggerated pout as she leaned over and rested her head on Loren’s shoulder. “You’re making me cry,” she said with a chuckle. “So, what this all means is that you have to come back. Stay longer next time. I mean, everything I’ve seen points to you and William coming back together, but if it doesn’t work out, you can always stay with me.”

“Or me! Oh my gosh, I’d love for you to come back,” Ingrid added enthusiastically.

The women cooed and leaned in for a group hug, earning a round of mocking jeers from the men across the deck.

“I’m gonna miss you, man,” Emil declared loudly, pulling William into an exaggerated hug and pretending to shed a tear. Rasmus joined in, dabbing at his eyes dramatically as he patted William on the back.

“You guys are such assholes, honestly,” Ingrid said, rolling her eyes at their clowning.

The group traded good-natured jabs until the laughter finally died down. Emil stood and stretched, announcing he was heading home. Loren approached him with a wide grin to say goodbye, and William clapped him on the back for a quick hug.

“Thanks for coming,” William said, smiling warmly. “Let’s hit the rink later this week—then grab some lunch after.”

“Sounds good,” Emil replied before turning his attention to Loren. His feelings for her had started to fade, but he still couldn’t help admiring everything about her. As he hugged her tightly—mindful of William’s presence—he couldn’t help but think of how rare it was to meet someone like her.

“It was such a pleasure to meet you, Emil,” Loren said, her grin lighting up her face.

“Oh, I forgot to tell you—I listened to that Canadian blues guy you mentioned. Incredible guitar. Loved his voice.”

Loren’s eyes lit up with excitement. “I’m so glad you liked him! He’s not super well-known, even in Canada, but I think he’s ridiculously talented.”

“Get William to give you my number,” Emil said. “If you think of anyone else you think I might like, send me a message, okay?”

William, standing behind Loren with his hand resting at the small of her back, nodded. “Yeah, for sure…I’ll pass it along.”

Emil flashed one last warm smile at Loren before saying goodbye to the rest of the group and heading out.

Before long, the group had dwindled down to just Rasmus and Lisa. As wonderful as it was to have all of William’s closest friends and their girlfriends around, there was something comforting about the particular closeness shared between William and Rasmus, and Loren and Lisa.

As the four of them relaxed on the deck, William casually offered for Rasmus and Lisa to stay a little longer. [In Swedish] “Pasta and Rebecca are coming for dinner tonight with little Freya,” he said, referring to current NHL star David Pastrnak, affectionately known league-wide as “Pasta” and one of his closest friends, and his wife. “You’re more than welcome to stay for dinner - catch up a bit from their wedding.” William quickly translated for Loren after the fact.

[In English] “Would love to but my brother’s coming with his girlfriend for a barbeque tonight at our place. Shit - seeing Pasta would be awesome.”

“Oh - I have seen pictures of Freya,” Lisa turned to Loren “she’s so sweet, an absolute doll. So is Rebecca, she’s really nice - you’ll like her.”

Camilla stepped onto the deck from the sliding door. [In Swedish] “Sorry for interrupting. William, can you help your Dad and I carry that bookcase you asked for out to the car? We’re going to drop it off at your place and then take the girls out for dinner.”

Rasmus stood up before William and offered to help as well. Soon the four friends were hauling out a very unique and beautiful vintage Scandinavian bookcase which William had discovered tucked away in storage at the beginning of the summer.

Michael and Camilla approached Loren for a hug. “We’ll see you tomorrow for brunch, and this time, I just want you to sit and relax. You’ve got a long day ahead of you,” Michael smiled.

Loren and Camilla exchanged a knowing smile. After drinking far more than either of them was accustomed to the night before, their brief meeting earlier that morning had included a silent acknowledgment—a shared camaraderie between two women who partied hard and were now paying the price.

With the remaining family splitting up between two vehicles—including Alex and Lisa, who still looked groggy and in desperate need of more sleep—the last of the hugs were exchanged, and soon they were on their way.

Lisa approached Loren for one final hug, holding her tightly. “We’ll absolutely figure out a way to get together,” she said confidently. “After all, D.C. isn’t that far from Toronto - oooh - if William’s away, you can come down….we can keep you company.

Rasmus opened his arms for Loren as well. His embrace was sincere and full of warmth.

“If he misbehaves, you make sure you tell me. He thinks he can make my life miserable during the game, but I know a million ways to get under his skin too.” He pulled back slightly “It was awesome to meet you, Loren. And Lisa’s serious - she would love the company when I’m on the road, so maybe you ladies can figure out plans to get together.”

Loren beamed with the thought of all the newfound friendships she had made in the past two weeks. “I would absolutely love that. Honestly, you all have been so incredible. Thank you for making my time here so special.” Loren fought against the tightness in her throat. This is just getting harder and harder she thought.

After Rasmus drove off, their hands still waving out of the window as they disappeared from sight, it was just Loren, William and his furry four-legged boys.

Each of them took a deep breath as their eyes locked for a brief moment. William snaked his arm around Loren’s waist as they walked toward the house. Loren slid her hand over one of his firm ass cheeks, tapping it affectionately, and smiled when William’s grip on her hip tightened in response.

The reality that time was slipping away faster than grains of sand in an hourglass was palpable. In less than 24 hours, Loren would be awaiting the call to board at the departure gate at Arlanda Airport.

William silently resolved to make the most of Loren’s remaining hours in Sweden. Their future didn’t have to be figured out in one night, but he knew one thing for certain—he needed to make his intentions clear. It was time to find out how Loren truly felt about being in his life, not just as “romantic Interest”, but as his girlfriend.

—

“Awh—look at Pablo,” Loren said, nodding toward the dog bed. “He lays just like you when you’re passed out on your back. Legs wide open.”

William chuckled, not missing a beat. “Nothing like having a nap and airing out the boys. It’s multitasking.”

Loren nearly spit her wine out, choking on a laugh as the glass clinked against the counter. Pablo, startled by the sudden sound, perked up briefly before settling back into his sprawled position.

“Sorry, buddy,” Loren said, walking over to the makeshift perch she’d set up for the dogs to allow them a clear view of all the kitchen activities. She stood beside Pablo, scratching his belly in apology before kissing Banksy’s head for good measure. Returning to the island, she resumed chopping carrots for the evening’s dish—a Swedish beef stew called Kalops.

Loren chuckled to herself. “I can just picture it now—on a low-key day, you three, and now Alex, lounging around on the couch at your place... a bunch of furry balls being air-dried. Nice.”

“Mine aren’t furry,” William countered without hesitation. “I took care of them in the shower yesterday... but you wouldn’t know since you fed Cowboy Bill a bunch of false promises last night. He’s still upset about it too.”

Loren lifted her head, staring straight ahead as if she was deeply unimpressed with William’s teasing. “I already apologized to Cowboy Bill—face to mmm... you know—but it’s you who owes my mmm-mmm down there an apology for getting me so hammered she missed out on a wild ride.”

The kitchen settled into an easy silence, broken only by the rhythmic sound of Loren chopping vegetables and the sizzle of beef cubes browning in the skillet.

“So... how do you say ‘furry balls’ in Swedish?” Loren asked, deadpan.

William’s inner voice howled in amusement, his lips twitching as he tried to suppress a laugh. “Luddiga bollar,” he replied, his tone mock-serious, though his shoulders shook with silent amusement.

Loren’s laughter spilled out, thankfully avoiding startling the dogs once more. “I can’t tell if that’s legit or if you’re just trying to make me sound ridiculous.”

William smirked, still focused on the pan. “You’ll have to say it to my dad tomorrow at brunch to find out.”

Loren’s eyes went wide and her mouth dropped as she flung a carrot top towards him.

William turned the burner off and removed the pan from the heat. Approaching Loren, he reached out, lightly pinning her hips against the counter. She set the knife down, her expression softening as his presence enveloped her.

“Furry balls aside, there’s some more important things you should learn to say in Swedish,” he murmured, brushing his lips against hers. “Like how to answer some questions I’ll probably be asking you regularly once I'm back in Toronto—but I will be asking them in Swedish.”

Her hands slid under his shirt, grazing the toned muscles along his sides as she smiled, her voice full of both curiosity and desire. “For example?”

William’s gaze locked on hers, his tone low and sincere. “Well, I know your schedule’s crazy, so I’d probably ask when I can see you, how long I can see you for, if you can stay the night—or the whole day. Maybe if I can crash at your place instead. And then there’s ‘Can you come to any games that week?’ or ‘Can you stay a few days?’...” He paused before leaning in for a slow, lingering kiss. Breaking away just to speak softly against her lips, he added, “And, of course, ‘Do you like it when I do this to you?’” His tongue lightly grazed the tip of hers - and with that one moves, she knew he wanted to use his tongue on a spot a little lower on her body.

Loren’s cheeks flushed and her pulse quickened, her fingers pressed against his sides. She wasn’t one to jump to conclusions, but something about William’s words felt less like a list of ‘What If’s’ and more like a promise.

“But I already know the word for ‘Yes’ in Swedish,” she said softly.

William tilted his head, his mouth brushing her jawline before finding her ear. “You’re just going to answer ‘Yes’ to everything?”

“Ja,” she whispered, her lips curling into a smile as her fingers tightened around his shirt. “Most of those questions just need ‘Ja’ or ‘Nej,’ but in my case... ‘Ja, ja, ja... hmmm... Ja.’”

In the background, the opening lyrics of Post Malone’s 'Stay' filled the room, a reminder of the long make-out sessions that had marked the beginning of her and William’s connection.

For William, it encapsulated such significant meaning in that moment because it’s exactly what he wanted her to do.

Loren rested her forehead against William’s collarbone as they began to sway. William’s one hand traveled up her spine, eventually finding its way to the back of her hair, while the other pulled her in closer around her waist.

Nearing the end of the song, a car horn beeped repetitively and William and Loren quickly snapped back to reality. Sharing one more tender kiss, they washed their hands and hurriedly followed the dogs to the door to greet the Pastrnak’s.

—

“So - you finished up with all of your interviews now?” William asked, sitting across from his long-time friend, David Pastrnak, at the dining table.

The two right-wing forwards, who have been friends for almost 15 years but play for rival NHL teams, were being featured together in the first episode of a upcoming documentary series.

“All done - you did yours too, right?” David asked, as he poured more wine into his wife’s glass and subsequently Loren’s.

“Yeah, right after your wedding. Fuck dude, your wedding - that was one of the best nights man - ah Loren, I wish you could have seen it,” William said, a touch ruefully.

Loren turned to Rebecca. “I saw pictures and reels on Instagram - Croatia looks incredible. I keep on thinking of the scenery…it looked magical…like a place out of a fairy tale.”

Rebecca pulled out her phone to show her some additional pictures as Loren openly and enthusiastically admired how stunning Rebecca looked, the colour scheme, the flowers - everything.

Loren began talking to Freya. “Did you see your momma and daddy? Absolutely beautiful - just like you.” Loren walked her fingers along the tray on Freya’s high chair, punctuating “just like you” on each button of her onesie.

Freya’s face lit up with a smile and a hearty giggle, and Loren’s did the same. Soon, they were copying each other, their fits of belly laughs growing louder with each motion. No one at the table could withstand the contagious sound of their joy, and before long, everyone was joining in.

Once the laughter had died down, Rebecca rather impressively instructed the two men to clean up the table while the ladies retreated to the living room with Freya and their wine. William and David looked at each other with slight resignation.

“Yes, Boss Lady,” David said with a mix of sarcasm and defiance as they slowly rose from the table and began gathering plates and cutlery.

They were fairly efficient for about a minute before William grabbed a couple of beers from the fridge, handed one to David, and waved dismissively at the rest of the mess. “We’ll get to it later,” he stated, and with that, the two strutted out onto the deck.

Having settled on the living room sofa with Freya and their wine, Loren and Rebecca exchanged a certain look before their gaze fell on their respective men’s muscular rear-ends. In silence, they toasted each other with a knowing grin and took a long sip of their wine.

—

David motioned toward the empty chair across from him as William handed over a fresh beer. “So, she leaves tomorrow?” David asked, twisting off the cap.

William settled into the chair and leaned forward, elbows on his knees. “Yeah—flight’s at five in the afternoon. She had this insane thirty-hour return trip booked because it was the cheapest, but I rebooked her on a direct flight. Took some convincing, though. She’s stubborn as hell about letting me pay for anything.”

David leaned back, resting his bottle on the deck. “Okay, so she’s got pride and is stubborn. Anything else you figure out over the past weeks?”

William grinned, swiping condensation from his beer bottle. “Well, I think I figured out….I love hanging out with her. She’s got this - I don’t know, it’s like she’s a mix of every kind of goodness rolled into one person. It’s crazy.” David raised an eyebrow, smirking at his friend’s almost bashful admittance. “And now, seeing her with my family, with you guys - the rest of my friends—it’s just easy, you know? Like I don’t have to worry about entertaining her or think ‘oh fuck - keep her away from this person or that or else shit’s gonna happen’ - know what I mean? She wants to make a good impression but she’s so…genuine? Does that make sense?” William looked over his shoulder through the sliding glass doors. Loren was on the floor playing with Freya while Rebecca took the opportunity and enjoyed a glass of wine.

David nodded. He had only just met Loren but he could already see exactly what William was talking about. “Okay, but what’s the not-so-great stuff? She’s gotta have... what are these things... flaws? Y’know, like, she’s not gonna be perfect 24/7.” His tone was teasing—he hadn’t seen William this moony over a woman in a long time—but there was a hint of seriousness beneath it. Playing devil’s advocate, David wanted to keep his friend’s thoughts grounded.

William leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he stretched his back. “I don’t know if I’d call them flaws—she’s just... different. In a good way, if that makes sense?”

David motioned for William to keep going. “Gimme an example,” David said, reaching for another beer from the cooler that sat between them, grabbing another for William in the process.

“Okay - like she’s had some really shitty stuff go on in the past with this guy…he was pretty awful to her - like pretty fucking bad but could be worse type of guy. She got past it - she works hard - like tons of hours to pay the bills. She’s made a really nice home for herself and she keeps things simple. But sometimes she is really in her head, or she was a lot when I first met her. She worries a lot about things that I probably wouldn’t give a shit about. But, that’s what makes her, her. Sometimes simple things really stress her out, and yet other times, she’s super chill.” William took a long swig of beer and then glanced at David as he considered the traits William rhymed off about Loren.

David cocked an eyebrow. “Okay, so can you see something happening with her when you get back to Toronto? Our lives - are not easy to deal with. Especially yours - for me, people just wave and say hi, like they know me but they just go on with their day. You, my friend, have always had women that will do anything to be near you. Whatever Rebecca has seen being my girlfriend, it’s going to be much harder for Loren. Have you talked to her about that?”

William rubbed his eyes and leaned back in the chair. “That’s kind of what I’m worried the most about. Not whether she can handle it, but whether she even wants to. Like - I know how she feels about me, as a person. But yeah, she’s already had a taste of the hockey player side of things - I still can’t believe I made her feel like she was the distraction when my game sort of went to shit back in April.” William silently cringed at the memory. “But I know she’s thinking about what it will mean for her being in a relationship with me. Fuck, yesterday, we were in the hammock all afternoon, just talking and hanging out, and she came right out with it. Asked me how it worked with athletes and women.”

David raised his eyebrows, wondering what direction the conversation in the hammock went in.

“She asked - and I’m not joking - ‘Is it you guys just wanting to get your dick wet just because there’s like never-ending pussy that are accessible to you?”

David choked on his beer, laughing. “She said that?”

“Yup,” William said, shaking his head. “And not even like she was accusing me of anything—more like she was trying to understand how it all works.”

David looked over William’s shoulder at Loren, trying to connect the dots between Loren’s sweet disposition and her apparent potty mouth. “So, what did you say?”

“I told her the truth,” William replied. “That there’s a lot of factors—pressures from inside the locker room, the lifestyle, the fans... but yeah, mostly, it’s just constantly being offered.”

David made a cringe expression. “How did she answer?”

“She didn’t say anything for the longest time,” William said. “And then finally, she asked ‘But is fucking random women that amazing that you guys just want to sleep around all the time? Like, I get it - it’s sex with beautiful women - and some women will do anything you want just to get with you - but is the sex really that good?’”

David and William exchanged knowing glances. “I just said ‘Fuck - not always…I’ve regretted some for sure’” William said, a smirk tugging on his lips. Silence hung in the air for a moment until both men burst out laughing. They had exchanged a number of ‘war stories’ of their female conquests over the years.

“But fuck, as she's asking these questions, I'm getting nervous, right? Like I used to fool around and stuff years ago…I wasn't sure if she was going to ask me how many girls I've been with or if I ever cheated or what. So I just sort of asked her - does she think if we're together that I'm going to fuck around on her? Then she hit me with something and I’m still thinking about it now.”

David's eyes widened with a mix of amusement and anticipation.

“She just said she doesn’t have this “magic pussy” that would keep me from cheating - if I wanted to cheat that is. And then she said—‘You’re going to do whatever you want to do….none of it is in my control.’”

David’s brow furrowed, his grin fading. “That’s...hmmm - wow. What did you say to that?”

William hesitated, taking another sip of his beer. “I didn’t know what to say at first. But she wasn’t done. She said she doesn’t get the appeal of having a roster of women. She said instead of having a thousand women, wouldn’t it be better to have one woman a thousand ways? And then she just kissed me and said, ‘I guess that’s just me.’”

David sat back, processing William’s words. After a moment, he smiled faintly, despite being a bit taken aback by Loren’s “You’re going to do whatever you want regardless” attitude. Nevertheless, David agreed with Loren. “Well, she’s definitely got a point.”

William nodded, his voice soft. “Yeah. And I can’t stop thinking about it. A thousand women? That’s not what I want. I was dating here and there before I met her, and yeah, they’re all stacked and say all the things that they think I want to hear - whatever. But fuck, Pasta—it’s scary when you meet someone that just blows you away, you know?”

David studied him for a moment, then leaned in. “So... is it possible? A thousand ways with Loren?”

William’s grin returned, a hint of boyishness. “A thousand ways might be tame for her.”

David threw his head back, laughing. “Lucky guy.”

“Trust me, I know,” William said, his voice sounding more serious. “I’ve never met anyone like her - like I can see things going pretty far down the road with her.”

“It’s not complicated, Willy. So you take the leap and probably end up happy but if you let her leave and don’t let her know how you feel about her, you might lose out on something big.”

David suddenly shivered, rubbing his hands together. “Fucking cold man - what are we even doing out here? Going in to sit with our hot boss ladies.”

William and David eased out of their chairs and into the warmth of the house. David rounded the love seat to find his beautiful daughter sleeping on Loren’s midriff. A little stream of drool seeped from Freya’s pink lips that were smooshed against Loren’s upper chest.

David smiled and whispered to Loren and Rebecca “Ohhh - she’s out…must be tired.”

Rebecca smiled and winked at her husband. “She passed right out when Loren offered to hold her - so I took the opportunity to enjoy a glass of wine.”

William slowly lowered himself next to Loren, careful not to disturb the baby. He gazed at Freya’s face, noticing the drool and chuckled. The image before him of Loren holding a baby was yet another moment that was surprisingly exciting to William. They were nowhere near discussing babies in their future, but the momentary glimpse of one of the many possibilities did not frighten him either.

—

Life for William after Loren returned to Toronto wasn’t all that different on the surface. His days were still filled with the familiar routines of off-season life—rounds of golf and tennis with friends, grueling training sessions both at the rink and the gym, and leisurely evenings spent hopping between Stockholm’s best restaurants or lounging in with his friends for a movie or a big game.

But beneath the surface, everything felt different. Her absence weighed on him in ways he hadn’t anticipated. It wasn’t just the standard longing for someone you miss; it was much deeper. Loren wasn’t just in his thoughts—everywhere he turned, he could see her there.

The memory of her shivering from the chill of the lake while helping to fix the water line came rushing back every time he went down to the water’s edge with his dogs.

In the shower, he could almost hear her laughter and feel her body press against him by merely opening the shampoo she left for him and smelling it's familiar fragrance.

He longed for her to be beside him for meals with the family, especially when Michael made his own variation of Croque Monsieur for lunch, which he now deemed “Croque Michel”

With Loren hitting the ground running almost as soon as she landed, William made it a point to reach out regularly, given he had the time—whether through a text, a voice call, or FaceTime. He was lucky to catch her during quiet moments at home, a break at work, or even during her drive. Their conversations never disappointed; they were always filled with affection and humor, leaving him wishing they didn’t have to end—no matter if they lasted a quick minute or stretched to thirty.

One evening, during one of their FaceTime calls, Loren’s phone was mounted to her dashboard as she drove through the city. She glanced between him and the street signs outside, explaining that Chelsea, the unstoppable marketing machine, had asked her to meet with a local designer downtown. Chelsea had shown photos of Loren to the designer, and was eager to have her model pieces from a new collection being featured on a Toronto talk show. William listened, his smile fixed, but something about these new opportunities—even though she brushed it off and seemed opposed to the idea—tightened his chest. She looked so effortlessly stunning even then - her hair tousled, her still tanned complexion and deep brown eyes darting between focusing on him and navigating the streets. The thought of others noticing the same thing, of someone else being drawn in by her charm, sat heavy in his chest long after their call ended.

The busier Loren seemed, the more William found himself wanting to get back to her. He admired how hard she worked and how determined she was—it was one of the first things he’d noticed about her. But every now and then, he’d feel this strange, unexpected tug of possessiveness, like he was afraid one of the many things keeping her busy might pull her away from him. Now that he’d found her, the idea of losing her to something—or someone—else was a thought he couldn’t shake, no matter how much he tried.

Soon, September rolled around, and it was only a matter of days before William would be landing back in Toronto.

Loren, knowing how chaotic the start of the school year could be, decided to give herself some breathing room by scheduling her tutoring sessions to begin in the third week of September. It allowed her students time to settle into their routines and gave her the chance to spend time with William as soon as he got back. She knew once his season started, his schedule would take over—not just his life, but hers as well, in its own way.

As she sat on her porch one sunny afternoon, armed with a cold beer and her laptop, her phone pinged with an incoming FaceTime from William.

She smiled, setting the laptop aside and picking up her phone. Accepting the call, her screen filled with his face—and her breath caught for a moment.

William was in a tuxedo.

His blond hair was perfectly styled, slightly shorter than she remembered and a touch more polished than usual. The crisp white shirt, black bow tie, and tailored blazer fit his broad frame impeccably. He looked magnificent—beyond what she’d imagined when he first mentioned attending the event with his family.

Loren’s eyes widened, full of admiration. “William—I… wow. I’m speechless,” she gasped, her face flushed and not from the beer.

“You like?” he asked, a small, satisfied smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

She nodded, unapologetically gazing at him with wide, adoring eyes.

The rest of the Nylanders, equally as elegant, leaned into the screen and greeted Loren affectionately. She returned their greetings warmly, laughing at their playful comments about the evening ahead.

“Has anyone figured out the over/under on how many women will swoon the minute William walks in?” Loren teased, though she half meant it.

They shared a laugh, but when the moment faded, his expression softened. For a moment, neither of them spoke. Loren let herself take him in, marveling at how effortlessly handsome he looked, while William seemed content just to look back at her through the screen.

Eventually, after their goodbyes, William sent Loren a message:

Wish you were here.

Her response was almost immediate:

Me too. Although I’d probably trip over my dress and embarrass you in front of all those people.

The three bouncing dots appeared as William typed his reply:

Doubtful. Can’t wait to see you—be there soon.

Loren stared at his message, her heart skipping a beat. She was sure she had never felt so giddy or full of life, and she could hardly wait to see what the future might hold for the two of them.

—

A few days later, Loren sat curled up on her couch, her laptop balanced on the armrest as she worked on her tutoring schedule for the upcoming week. The day had been productive but long, and she welcomed the stillness of the evening. Her phone was close by, and every few minutes, her gaze drifted toward it.

William had messaged earlier, letting her know he and Alex were about to board their flight to Toronto. He’d promised to text again once they landed and he was settled. She smiled at the thought of seeing him soon, even if the past few days had left her with an unsettling feeling she couldn’t quite shake.

A notification at the top of her screen caught her attention: an Instagram DM. The account wasn’t immediately familiar, but Loren saw that Isla followed the account. A single word, “Hi.”—was simple enough to pique her curiosity. Loren tapped on it, opening a thread of several messages.

Her heart dropped as she scrolled.

“Hey Loren, I’m Margot. I know we were never introduced while you were here, but I think there are some things you need to know.”

“It’s about William.”

“You deserve to know the truth before you get hurt like I did.”

Her heart thudded, staring at the screen and debating whether to respond. A second later, another message appeared.

“William and I had a thing. I heard he told you about it. But what you don’t know is he told me I was special, but it turns out I wasn’t the only one he was with this summer before you came. Trust me, he’s really good at making women feel like they’re the only ones he sees.”

Loren’s pulse quickened, her thumb hovering over the keyboard. She quickly closed the app instead, setting her phone down on the couch beside her—screen facedown. Determined not to let her mind spiral, she tried to focus on her laptop, on the neat columns of names and times that required her attention.

But her vision was blurred and she could feel her heartbeat pounding in her throat. Her phone buzzed again, the muffled vibration against the fabric sent another blinding wave of pressure behind her eyes.

Don’t look, she told herself. Just leave it.

A minute passed. Then another. Her resolve cracked as her phone continued to vibrate. She picked it up.

More messages.

“He has a pattern, Loren. I know it because I was part of it.”

“He told me we might have something real. Then I found out about the others.”

“One of lives in Stockholm and he saw her this summer. I know because she’s in our friend group. He sees her when he needs ‘something’, understand?”

Loren’s stomach churned. Her fingers felt cold as she scrolled up, rereading Margot’s earlier messages - they were so specific, so calculated that they sliced through her trust she had developed with William.

Then came another message with a link:

“I thought this might help you understand.”

Loren hesitated before tapping the link, which opened to an article from Hänt, accompanied by a clip of William’s interview at the Grand Hotel’s 150th anniversary celebration. She pressed play, her stomach twisting as she watched.

He looked as flawless as she remembered, polished in his tuxedo, as the reporter—a very pretty brunette with wide-eyes and a bubbly personality—asked him about his personal life. His answers were in some cases vague but polite, but his other responses seemed so specific and unrehearsed, like how the truth rolls off someone’s tongue before they can stop it. But it wasn’t just his words that made Loren’s chest tighten—it was the way he looked at the reporter.

The camera caught moments where his gaze lingered on her face. Loren could see it, recognize it because he looked at her like that.

She flung the phone down and hunched over, pressing the heels of her hands against her eyes as her scattered mind tried to connect the dots.

Her phone vibrated again with another message from Margot:

“He does this with everyone. It’s part of his act. Don’t think you’re the exception, Loren.”

The final blow came with another round of photos.

One showed William at a bar, a woman leaning into him, her hand resting on his arm. The next was of him hugging another woman, his face buried near her neck. A third, blurry but unmistakably him, appeared to show a kiss on the cheek—or maybe something more. Loren couldn’t tell.

Margot’s final message landed like a punch to the gut.

“You seem like a nice girl. I just don’t want you to end up like me—thinking you’re special, only to realize you’re just one of many.”

Loren’s hands trembled as she placed her phone face down on the couch again, staring blankly at her laptop. The words burned in her mind, replaying on a loop. Just one of many.

Minutes passed, and still, she couldn’t stop herself from picking up the phone again. She scrolled through the messages once more, then opened the photos again, looking for any detail that might poke holes in Margot’s story.

The blood had drained from her face, leaving a dull ache behind. Despite how careful she tried to be this time, she had been blindsided once again by someone that she cared deeply for. Someone who had convinced her that they had a bright and loving future together.

The idea that there could be even a shred of truth in what Margot was saying was unbearable. Loren could not see how William could ever explain any of this to her and make any of it seem okay.

[rainwaterapothecary]

Long-ass post about what the fuck this machine might be:

Screenshot by @geddy-leesbian and sent to me for research by @courtofparrots

So, what the /fuck/ is this damn thing? (And it’s side-quest: This fucking /shoot/):

At first I thought the machine was some form of Vacuum Furnace since the shape and the possible intake shoot (which will give me hell this entire research process) looks like an incinerator and something to suck things into the incinerator:

(Source.)

But the shape isn’t 100% right, and as CAPCOM need something to do a 1:1-ish model for the game, I scrapped it and moved on.

The next candidate made my heart hurt since it’s a Marine Waste Incinerator:

The shape is similar, it has a box-like connection that I wasn’t able to find almost anywhere else, but no fucking shoot.

/However/, I think I’m onto something here’s a couple other models I found:

Why is this heartbreaking? Because Luis is not only on a shoe-string budget in the middle of noplace, but he’s also having to use whatever the cult can scrounge up for him. I’m convinced he brought his little autoclave from a mainland somewhere, but he needed an incinerator.

They’re off the ocean.

Where there’s a will there’s a way, and Lord Saddler is demanding he makes a way using this hulking machine that isn’t even meant for use on land.

However, the one in Luis’ lab doesn’t look like it’s meant for use on a ship, and there isn’t that fucking spout.

Next, I followed the little tubes on the sides:

And it looks a lot like they’re meant to be on a locomotive or a boiler:.

Why would he need a boiler? I have no idea, ask a scientist. But, visually we’re getting closer.

I looked up what that black piece is for, since I initially thought the piece on Luis’ machine was for some sort of vault technology, housing a locking mechanism for keeping a vacuum seal in the case of the vacuum furnace.

^This thing.

In boilers however, it tends to contain an exhaust fan/motor (iirc). Again, having a fan could work for some sort of incinerator and there’s no real point in having a vent/air filter right below it (the cylindrical thing) unless it’s dealing with something that needs a lot of air.

Now, on boilers and incinerators there tends to be some sort of (usually red) component on the front that /could/ be something that damn shoot connects to. Ex:

That is a burner/igniter.

^This is what it looks like on the inside.

Could the shoot be a hookup? I have no idea. I don’t /think/ so though, since the shoot looks more like a place to expell something (think coal from a coaling tower on a railroad). (In fact, this thought momentarily brought me down a rabbit hole of ‘what if it’s for some sort of coal refinement’? But I rejected that idea because then it would be more of a grinding machine and this is more boiler-incinerator-type-deal.)

My friend brought up a good point that maybe the shoot is for sucking up waste material.

Using my own knowledge of trades, I’m not sure that’s the case? Usually, if something has to go down then the spout will be tilted up so that it’s not fighting gravity. However, I am a city kid with a business degree, so we can safely shelve that idea since it’s outside my wheelhouse.

It was at this point that I realized the box next to Luis’ machine could be part of the whole device:

The only times I’ve seen something like this with an attached cube it was on an electric steam boiler:

And on the vacuum furnace, marine waste incinerator (already mentioned), and this medical waste incinerator:

Which brings us right back around to incinerators.

So while I can’t find anything that has the damn shoot, here’s what I /think/ all the pieces of the machine are. (Again, I am not in sciences or in trade, so this is all I could find after a three-hour research stint that ended when I got too frustrated.)

AND COMPLETELY EYEBALLING THIS NEXT PART:

The items on top of it are these little crates that I’ve only seen in workshops but the ones I’ve seen are roughly 26” across. Which makes this mystery machine ~78” Tall and ~91” Wide (not accounting for the angle it seems to be at).

In closing, I think this is some sort of incinerator (wow, three hours of research just to be back at square one? First of all, rude. Second of all, I now know more than when I started so that’s fun for me!) and for storytelling purposes I want it to be a marine waste incinerator, built for burning waste onboard a ship or for getting rid of oil waste. This way it illustrates just how resourceful and flexible Luis had to be in order to /try and get his fucking tools to do what they’re supposed to/. His autoclave isn’t a true autoclave and it’s /tiny/. He’s working with an old acrylic glove box. He’s been given an oil waste incinerator off a boat and he has to make it /work/.

In short, this is what I do for fun and now I have to get back to work. 😊

Sources:

https://www.marineinsight.com/tech/9-tips-to-maintain-high-efficiency-of-marine-incinerators/

https://addfield.com/case-studies/waste-oil-incinerator/

https://xuyemachinery.en.made-in-china.com/product/FdRTyotOfHUY/China-Industrial-Incinerator-Waste-Oil-Burner-Available.html

https://zaobt.ru/en/news/marine-incinerator-for-vostochnaya-verf-jsc-shipped-from-the-site-of-st-inc

https://www.indiamart.com/proddetail/incinerators-3550461212.html

https://trends.medicalexpo.com/inciner8-ltd/project-115640-426969.html

https://www.google.com/imgres?q=steam%20boiler&imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.3diequipment.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2023%2F01%2Fcocran-steam-boiler-model-thermax-pic2371b-1-600x377.jpg&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.3diequipment.com%2Fproduct%2Fcochran-steam-boiler-model-thermax%2F&docid=xunMT1CJ-fei2M&tbnid=zBjSfu1BNa7HiM&vet=12ahUKEwif7dG8hYSIAxURAzQIHazPMW44KBAzegQIUBAA..i&w=600&h=377&hcb=2&ved=2ahUKEwif7dG8hYSIAxURAzQIHazPMW44KBAzegQIUBAA

https://www.google.com/imgres?q=steam%20boiler&imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.hvacinformed.com%2Fimg%2Fproducts%2F400%2Fu-nd-400_1628544986.jpg&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.hvacinformed.com%2Fbosch-thermotechnology-u-hd-boiler-technical-details.html&docid=8M3mwXLLyvCvNM&tbnid=qs-8ZiQlRet2ZM&vet=12ahUKEwif7dG8hYSIAxURAzQIHazPMW44KBAzegQIUhAA..i&w=400&h=400&hcb=2&ved=2ahUKEwif7dG8hYSIAxURAzQIHazPMW44KBAzegQIUhAA

https://easywater.com/commercial/applications/steam-boilers/

https://www.thermodyneboilers.com/3-ton-steam-boiler-price/

https://www.thermodyneboilers.com/oil-fired-boilers/

https://www.parat.no/products/marine/parat-mel/

https://betterbricks.com/resources/boilers

https://powerhouse-combustion.com/components-of-a-boiler/

https://cs.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lokomotivn%C3%AD_parn%C3%AD_kotel

[the-grubdog]

Heritage Theory is Canon

I rise back from the dead (read: college kicking my ass) to say that MY THEORY WAS JUST CONFIRMED CANON. Look at the Japanese website:

Image transcript: The ruins and treasures of this planet, although different in size, are somehow similar to those we know, and sometimes even feel nostalgic. According to "The Shepard Complete History" written by the successive rescue team captains, the ancestors of the Kagiya [Giya] planet came from a "beautiful blue planet". If that was the planet PNF-404, we may have returned to our mother planet after a long time.

I WAS LITERALLY WORKING ON AN UPDATED VERSION OF MY THEORY POST WHEN THIS WAS POSTED.

I WAS RIGHT YA'LL.

I don't think I'll upload that updated version of the post, as it is (a) mostly unfinished and (b) kinda pointless now! Just know that evidence also comes from (all in Pikmin 4/related material):

Other parts of this same site

Olimar's notes on the Buddy Display, Heroic Shield, and Memory Fragment (Center Right)

A conversation you can have with Olimar post-final boss fight

Olimar's notes on the final boss

The Shepherd Family history

Also I want to share some more lore this site brings up. Because it also gives us some juicy Wraith Lore(tm) and some possible explanations for why some ships crash and others don't.

ALSO ALSO: This is all machine translated. If anyone has a human translated version, or is interested in making one, PLEASE let me know so I can reference it instead!

Image transcript: Consideration 1, small size, it doesn't have the engine power to escape the planet. Consideration 2, entering at a high speed, like a shooting star, it crashed into the planet at high speed.

Basically, the S.S. Beagle is small and entered at a high enough speed to escape the planet's grasp.

Image transcript: Unlike the space-time of the universe we know, it is believed that each time the stranded person observes the planet, it transitions to a different phase. The changes are so great that it's as if the planet itself has a will of its own.

This comes after a long description of how the planet changes every game. Just for further context.

Image transcript (with an error fixed for readability): Pikmin are always found near those lost in distress. They are friendly and devoted partners who cooperate with us to achieve our goals. However, isn't this a little too convenient? If the Pikmin are calling for a good leader to ensure the survival of their species and are preventing us from returning, it would be better to think that we are the ones being used. It falls into this category.

I don't think pikmin are evil, FAR from it... but they are still animals, animals that act to survive. You know? If pikmin ARE crashing the ships, then it's no more evil then how bulborbs eat pikmin to survive. Those are my two cents anyways.

Image transcript: According to Olimar, while inside the Amenyudo's [Plasm Wraith's] body, he dreamed of "giant humans similar to ourselves living with Pikmin and lots of other creatures." In addition, the roller-shaped stones of the Amebouzu [Water Wraith] have been found to contain minerals found in meteorites, which may suggest that they may be involved in the crash of the Dolphin. Perhaps they are dreaming of living with humans again and are causing the spaceship to crash?

WRAITH LORE. Also, note the translation of "human". There's a word on the site that the characters use to refer to themselves collectively, which the machine translator translates as "human". Based on me looking the word up on Jisho, an English-Japanese dictionary, this appears to be correct. However, as I don't know Japanese yet, I'll also clarify that "people" might also be a valid translation.

Anyways. Humans once lived with these weird creatures, wraiths and pikmin included. The wraiths missed us. Please ignore how they're also homicidal towards the starfolk.

Image transcript: One theory is that the planet meets the definition of a living organism, meaning that it is somehow beckoning us to it, and that everything we experience here is being orchestrated.

Planet is alive.

I have no idea how else to end this off.

But the planet is alive.

And it wants us back.

[zoros-fourth-sword]

LAW x FEM READER

Request post:

@makemake22 - Heyy, (srsly, i don't know what's your name so i can't call you, haha.) I just stumble along your fanfic, and i was wondering if i can request Law with yn that brat taming him. You can use your wild imagination, no problem.

Sorry if it took long but I am absolutely obsessed with this man so ofc I was going to write this so I hope you enjoy ❤️🥰

{MDNI 18+ only}

This oneshot is a 18+ onshot only so read at your own risk

This oneshot contains the following: brat taming, spanking, name calling, dom energy, fingering, smut, and more

BRATY FEM READER x DOM LAW

BEWARE MY WRITING SUCKS

“LIKE YOU FUCKING CARE LAW” I yell towards the man that was standing in front of me my face slightly red from my anger 

“OF COURSE I CARE Y/N YOUR MY FUCKING GIRLFRIEND” Law yelled back at me not really wanting to deal with my shit at the moment he would rather go back to his study buddy than spend time 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 his 𝐆𝐈𝐑𝐋𝐅𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐃 

“IF YOU DID YOU WOULD SPEND MORE TIME WITH ME THEN YOUR FUCKING STUDY BUDDY” I yell as I step closer to Law slightly having to look up at him due to his height 

“Why is it such a fucking problem to study with my coworker Y/N you act like we’re fucking each other on the side” Law snapped out instead of yelling I guess the stupid fuck got tired  

“That might not be your intention but that doesn’t mean that isn’t hers I don’t feel comfortable with you in the same room as her why can’t you understand that” I snap turning my head to the side so I didn’t have to look at him any longer because if I do I might punch him in the face 

“Look Y/N I understand your feelings but this is my job we are talking about I’m not worried about a stupid girl that fantasizes about fucking me” Law huffed out while pinching the bridge of his nose 

“Yea whatever all I’m saying is if she tries anything funny I’m fucking punching her teeth down her throat,” I say before turning my head back around to look at 𝐌𝐘 𝐌𝐀𝐍𝐒 face 

“Y/N baby I wouldn’t dream of letting some low-life girl touch me and besides the only woman’s hands I want on me are yours” Law chucked out as he grabbed my hips to pull me into a hug 

“You fucking better or I’ll chop your balls off” I mumble into his chest 

“I know you will” Law chuckled nervously 

“Baby I got to go now but I’ll be back around 9:00 pm,” Law said as he kissed the top of my head

“Okay baby I love you,” I say as I lift my head resting the bottom of my chin against his chest 

“I love you too I got to go,” Law said before leaning down to place a kiss against my lips 

“Okay” I huff out slightly dreading that I’m going to be alone for the rest of the day 

“I promise to make it up to you later,” Law said as he let me go to grab his stuff to leave 

“You better,” I say crossing my arms over my chest 

“I will” Law chucked out before giving me one last kiss 

“Mhm” I hum as he begins walking out the door

I’m currently sitting in front of my long mirror that sits in mine and Law's bedroom in blue lacy lingerie, that I bought a while back with Nami 

If Law wants to be a little stubborn shit I’m going to give him a reason to come home the man said he was going to be home around 9:00 pm but it’s currently 11:30 he said they had to catch up on some more papers yea paperwork my ass I’m sure she’s trying to get him to stay longer with her sluty ass self I swear if I could kill a bitch It would be her 

I decided that I would tease Law by sending him some spicy pics hoping it would make him come home sooner 

I began positioning myself so my ass was sitting on the heels of my feet causing my back to arch giving the illusion that my ass was bigger than it was I quickly snap I few pictures before switching to my next position 

I sit ass on the floor with my legs slightly parted giving Law the perfect view of my wet core 

Once I was satisfied with how the pictures came out I quickly sent them to law with a little message along with them 

“𝐡𝐮𝐫𝐫𝐲 𝐡𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐛𝐚𝐛𝐲 𝐢𝐦 𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐧𝐲 😒😘”

All I’m saying is if this doesn’t get his attention then I don’t know what will 

“𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐭 𝐛𝐚𝐛𝐲 𝐢𝐦 𝐚𝐭 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐤 𝐰𝐡𝐲 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝𝐧'𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐢𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐮𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐥 𝐢 𝐠𝐨𝐭 𝐡𝐨𝐦𝐞 &lt;𝟑𝟑𝟑“

I don’t know maybe because you said you were going to be home a long time ago I mumble under my breath 

“𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐞𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐛𝐞 𝐡𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐚𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝 𝟗:𝟎𝟎 🥺💔”

“𝐢𝐦 𝐬𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐲 𝐦𝐲 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐢𝐭𝐬 𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐨 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐢𝐬𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐬𝐞 𝐩𝐚𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬☹️”

“𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐢𝐬𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐩𝐚𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐦𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐚 𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐦𝐞 🥺💔”

“𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐭 𝐛𝐚𝐛𝐲 𝐝𝐨𝐧𝐭 𝐬𝐚𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐝𝐢𝐜𝐤 𝐢𝐬 𝐬𝐨 𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐝 𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐧𝐨𝐰” 

“𝐦𝐚𝐲𝐛𝐞 𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐢𝐬𝐡 𝐦𝐲𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐨𝐟𝐟 𝐬𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐝𝐨𝐧𝐭 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐲 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐢𝐭 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐠𝐞𝐭 𝐡𝐨𝐦𝐞🙄😒”

“𝐝𝐨𝐧𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐝𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐩𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐰𝐞 𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐤𝐞𝐝 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐭 𝐢𝐭𝐬 𝐦𝐲 𝐣𝐨𝐛 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐜𝐮𝐦“

“𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐠𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨 𝐝𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐩 𝐦𝐞 😒”

“𝐢𝐦 𝐨𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐰𝐚𝐲“

“Wow well I guess my plan kinda worked” I chuckle out to myself 

I’m currently laying on mine and Law's bed with my legs spread while pleasing myself slightly hitting the squishy part of nerves that makes my legs go crazy 

“Fuck” I wine out not being able to be quite 

I began speeding up my pace once I felt my lower stomach start to heat up signaling that I was close to my release

“Fuck” I moan out slightly squeezing my legs around my wrist not being able to handle the pleasure 

“𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐦𝐛𝐥𝐞𝐬“ 

Just as I was about to cum Law spawned right in front of me with the most pissed-off expression I have ever seen on his face 

“Why you little brat” Law hissed out of his teeth throwing his sword aside 

“Wait Law I’m s-“ I struggle to say still breathing hard from earlier events

“No princess I don’t wanna hear your excuses” Law growled out before making his way towards me 

“But,” I say with wide eyes while scooting all the way back against the headboard 

“This is what you wanted baby I came home so you don’t get to bitch” Law said as he began crawling up the bed to get to me 

“You have been a fucking brat today,” Law said as he grabbed my ankles before pulling me down toward him 

“Law” I squeal out surprised by his actions 

“Don't be surprised Y/N you brought this on yourself and I’m going to make sure you get your fucking punishment” Law growled down towards me as he rest between my thighs on his knees 

“Fuck you Law you left me alone what did you expect I was horny for fucks sake and we haven’t had sex in like two weeks because you’ve been so busy with work” I mumble out turning my head to the side with my arms crossed over my chest 

“Don’t try to guilt trip me princess” Law said as he jerked my head back towards him by my chin 

“You get to shut your mouth and be a good obedient girl for me ya” Law said his deep voice causing heat to run up my core 

“Brats don’t get rewards,” Law said as he traced my bottom lip with his tattooed thumb 

“They get punishments and I think it’s about time for yours,” Law said as he traced his hand down my chin and to my neck before warping his fingers around it slightly squeezing 

“Fuck Law” I whine out shutting my eyes due to the pleasure 

“Mhm princess that’s right I want this to be torture for you I want you begging” Law chuckled as he pressed his knee against my clothed core 

“I will admit baby you did an amazing job at making yourself look all pretty for me,” Law said as he began circling my core with his knee causing me to fling my head back before letting out a broken moan 

“Fuck baby your so hot” Law hissed out as he began tracing his hand that was around my neck down my body and towards my breast 

“Blue looks so good on you baby but unfortunately I’m going to have to remove this” Law said as he grabbed the bottom of my bra before bringing it back and letting it go causing it to snap against my skin

“Fuck Law I can’t handle it” I sigh as droll began to run out of the corners of my mouth due to Law's constant abuse on my pussy 

“Yes you can baby and you will you did this to yourself remember,” Law said as he sped up his pace with his knee 

“Please I can’t” I sob as my legs begin to shake 

“How sad princess I haven’t even started,” Law said as he stopped 

“Fuck” I whine out in relief 

“Don’t get too comfortable” Law said as he turned me around so I was lying on my stomach with my ass up in the air against his hard cock 

“Fuck Law” I moan letting my head hang between my arms 

“Fuck princess I can’t wait to fuck you my cock has missed you so much,” Law said as he began grinding against my ass causing my pussy to clench around the air 

“Shit Law” I pant out with my head still hanging between my arms 

“Oh you poor girl let Doctor Traffy make you feel good” Law chuckled as he pulled my head back up by my hair 

“Fuck Law I can’t” I sob as tears formed in my eyes 

“That’s too bad Princess,” Law said as he landed a harsh slap against my ass cheek with his free hand

“Fuck Law” I squeal out in surprise my body slightly jerking forward causing laws to grip on my hair to tighten 

“Mhm baby just nine more of those and you good ya” Law hummed out as he rubbed the red mark on my ass slightly soothing the pain 

“Mhm” I hum as I begin nodding my head 

“Good girl,” Law said as he jerked his hand back to slap my ass again 

“Count with me okay,” Law said as he landed a slap against my cheek 

“Okay” I broke out slight tears running down my face 

“One” Law said as he raised his hand again 

“One” I breathe out 

“Two” *smack*

“Two” I whine out 

“You're doing such a good job princess,” Law said as he rubbed the handprint

“Three” *smack*

“Three” I sob as I grip the sheets 

“Four” *smack*

“fuck four” I broke out as I began breathing hard slightly becoming lightheaded due to so many emotions fogging my brain 

“Almost Princess” Law said 

“Five” *smack* 

“Five” I weakly say

“Six” *smack*

“Six” I pant 

“Four more baby” Law said

“Seven” *smack*

“Ten” I cry out once Law finished giving me my punishment 

“You did such a good job baby I’m proud of you” Law praised me as he began rubbing my throbbing ass cheek 

“Thank you” I pant out 

“Now let’s get to the fun part ya,” Law said as he moved my underwear to the side 

“Yea” I weakly say desperately needing Law inside of me 

“Alright baby,” Law said as he pulled his pants and underwear down 

“Fuck baby your drenched” Law hissed out once he felt my juices against the tip of his cock 

“Please law” I whine out not being able to wait any longer 

“Of course baby since you took your punishment without any complaints” Law grunted out as he slid his cock into my throbbing core 

“Fuck Law Oh My” I moan out as I press my ass harder against his hips 

“Fuck baby doll you feel so good” Law whined out as he began forming a pace with his hips sliding in and out of me

“Shit Law I missed this so much” I moan in the blankets as I grip the sheets 

“Fuck Princess so have I” Law growled out as he leaned down to warp his fingers around my hands 

“Fuck” I whine out from the angle 

“Ya you like this position huh” Law hummed in my ear causing vibrations to shoot up my spine 

“Yes” I moan out 

“So do I baby,” Law said as he began to pick up his pace causing my eyes to cross

“What’s the matter baby am I fucking you stupid” law chuckled as he put his hand behind my head to press me farther into the mattress 

I couldn’t even answer his question due to the overwhelming pleasure 

“Awe can’t speak can you princess” Law said as he lifted his body back up to grab my hips 

“I’m sorry baby you got to handle it just a little longer,” Law said as he began to thrust into me hard causing my body to jerk forward from each motion 

“Fuck Law,” I say letting out a loud moan

“I know baby I know,” Law said over the slapping of our skin 

“Shit princesses I’m close,” Law said once I felt his thrust grow sloppy 

“Me too” I moan out 

“Maybe I should shoot my cum in ya so I can see plump and round with my baby growing inside you” Law growled out becoming more turned on by the thought 

“Fuck law that sounds so hot” I broke out 

“Fuck shit baby” Law growled out as he released inside me 

“Oh my gosh law you did not” I gasp out jerking around in one quick motion surprised that he actually did cum inside me 

“Shit baby I’m sorry I lost control,” Law said with wide eyes slightly scared I was going to beat the shit out of him 

“Fuck” I cuss out in disbelief 

I really hope yall liked it comment and let me know if you did 🥰❤️🙏

[signanothername]

UT/UTMV Asks Masterpost (part 1)

This will only include silly asks

*tip! Those in red text will contain an explicit discussion/visual display of some sort of trigger/content warning, these could be blood, emotional or physical abuse, emotional manipulation, death, self destructive behaviors, implied or discussed suicidal ideation, suggestive content or other sensitive topics

*tip! Those in orange text will contain an implied or mentioned trigger/content warning but no explicit discussion/visual display

*tip! Asks with 💬 are without art, only text

Let me know if I missed color coding anything :)

haha short nightmare short!! shorty!!!

obsessed with how u do killer btw.

I WANT TO EXPLODE YOU

Could you draw a Nightmare sitting on a cut tree trunk (their mom)?

Just wanna say keep up with the angst

Mean girl Nightmare

He’s just a silly little girl causing some chaos <3333

Could I please have a little sketch of nightmare "protecting" Dream from Cross

Bad Sanses reaction to Shatter Dream?

When confronted with his future self, Passive's first instinct is to push Dream behind him 💬

*Explodes but not in a gay way*

*Returns back just to explode in a gay way*

I forgot to kiss the homies goodbye.

What do you think about swapdream?

Why do you like Killer 💬

If you had to give your favourite sanses vehicle modes what would they be? 💬

Nightmare, do you still love your brother? If you don't why don't you kill him at all?

Consider nightmare in grunge fairycore fashion

Killer with kitties

What gave it away????

if there‘s a „Something New“, is there a „Nothing Old“

opinions on skeleton appreciation day :>

cat socks

Color spectrum duo

Guest offer

i’m so happy to see ccino getting more attention!!

ccino our cutie pie <3

i thought nm was doing the mr beast pose for a sec lolol

opinions on Asylum Sans (Asy)???

do you like afterdeath??? Can we get some?

Gaster’s Horrortale request

REQUESTING FOR MURDER!SANS ART

A tiny Nightmare sketch

Shapshifter

do you have any other plans for misplaced hatred? im kind of really obsessed with it

Do you think you might add more onto the misplaced hatred comic soon?

Silly sneak peek

Murder sketch

Nightmare sketch (foreshadowing????)

Bitty Nightmare

Bitty Killer

POKE HOLES IN THE TOPS OF THE JARS

Doodle without context

doodle with your non-dominant hand

Burnt at the stake

Mad scientist Killer

fugly ass heels

Yummy angst

Frenemies

Friend dynamic

Nightmare angst

Fresh

What if the Apple incident was more historically accurate for the time

Sci

Wips and sketches

Ink has certain devices that helps him in warning that he's ruining low of paints

can you do a doodle of nightmare with his hood up please?

Gay

Killer stress ball

What if Nightmare had hair

Consider Nightmare

Hey Dream can you make something or someone health Nightmare's legs or make some mental legs for him?

Frisk and Chara

Ccino and Nightmare

Ink and the Nightmare gang

Horrortale

who is your favorite utmv papyrus?

i love your work so much man it's like the highlight of my day when you post ‼️‼️‼️

That's mean that Killer is probably a Sugar Daddy

i love how you're just THE killer sans person now

I want somebody convincing Dream to smoke

What do you nightmare does, keeps Negativity balanced or he just spread Negativity 💬

What kind of music do you think the bad sanses listen to

bro i'm such a fan of error just massively shitting on nightmare 💬

If Killer are interrest by Cross’ blood and Souls, did he’s interrest by Cross’ unique soul ? 💬

If Nightmare's an ice-cream flavour, what would he be? 💬

What do you think is Killer's favourite ice cream flavour? •w• 💬

Something about Killer is actually scary to me 💬

His fire burned out a long time ago 💬

Golden flower tea 💬

Wait, I'm sorry but in the comic where Killer almost cuts someone's eye out, is that Color or Nightmare? 💬

the short kings go for the kneecaps 💬

Hey, do you think it'd be funny if Killer and Nightmare gossiped about other people together? 💬

nah i can't belive killers just resting his head on nightmares lap like that while nightmare pets him 💬

If Nightmare knew about every spectrum he was on 💬

they, for no particular reason, are wearing cat ears

Cat coded Cross 💬

What is your opinion of Killer with freckles

Silat Sans

I think Toga and Ochako are very Colourkiller

Soriel

I was wondering if there were any nightmare ships you like? Romantically or Platoniclly 💬

Killer costume change

What do we think of apple twins being able to do photosynthesis because their mother is a tree💬

either think THEY'RE the taller twin and that's what they tell everyone

What do you think everyone smells like? Especially killer? 💬

do you think NM could grow or make shift wings out of his tendrils or goop?

Killer and lil Paps

Human Nightmare and Dream

[bellofthemeadow]

Blended Hearts and Bitter Brew | Part 2

Summary: Your life was boring, hoping for your big break, you were stuck at Starbucks for what felt like forever. The hot metalhead that just came through your door might just be the amount of shit-stirring fun you've been looking for. (3.8K)

A/N: Hey everyone, I am very sorry for the delay for this chapter, its been quite crazy at work and with the ini starting again (MY LAST ONE YEHHH!), things have been even more intense. So, it's safe to say it's been quite a whirlwind. I also had to delete my previous post because I encountered an issue with the chapter that required me to go back and make some fixes. I'm hopeful that everything is resolved now - fingers crossed!

Additionally, I'd like to extend an invitation to anyone who may have questions or requests for me. I would be absolutely thrilled to have the opportunity to work on them. I'll be away for a few days, and there's nothing I'd love more than to find myself writing by the lake, to be honest. Thank you all for all of your support and kind words, I love you all very much!!

Taglist: @hehekittyhawk

Warning: SMUT, phone sex, discussion of sex, masturbation, wearing, suggestive language, reference to bratting and brat taming (18+) (no minors like at all!!!)

The Phone Call

Usually, after a long day at work, you were more than ready to head home and collapse on the couch while munching on an entire box of hot pockets. Today was a bit different, though. For the first time in a long while, you were actually... excited! Still riding the high from your encounter with Eddie, you took the extra 10 minutes out of your way to stop at the corner store and grab the second cheapest bottle of wine (Fancy) that you could find! Cradling the bottle like you were Gollum with the ring, you were ready to let loose and get a bit frisky.

You got home quickly, stepping through the streets of Indianapolis, your overheated mood a total contrast to the frosty outside. After a quick shower where you made sure to scrub every inch of your skin, which was now pinkish from the scalding heat of the water, you put on your favourite black satiny robe. The soft frock hugged you deliciously, flowing around you like water and reaching just beneath your ass, highlighting its fleshy curve. In front of your antique floor mirror that you’d found in a second-hand shop, you gave yourself a saucy wink while twirling like a damn Jewelry box ballerina. A slutty ballerina, in your case.

You giggled to yourself as you sifted through the kitchen drawer, searching for the candle you were certain you'd received during last year's Secret Santa. Your hand moved blindly, finally identifying the candle's rounded shape with your extended fingers. As you grasped it, you opened the container and took a deep sniff—Peppermint Mocha. You snorted; your manager really was an unimaginative dick. Well, it would have to do for tonight.

You lit it up using the lighter you had stashed under one of your flowerpots for smoking emergencies. You had promised yourself that you would cut back on smoking this year, but every once in a while, nothing could help ease the tension like a good cigarette. It was also unmatched after sex, although THAT front had been pretty quiet in the last few months. Perhaps Eddie could help resolve that, you thought with a cheeky smirk as you imagined him pulling harshly on your hair as you devoured his tattooed neck.

You let the pepperminty aroma waft through the room as you started to set the mood around your little shoebox studio. It wasn’t much – barely enough space for a double bed and a small round table – but it was all yours. You didn't have to share with anybody, didn’t have to abide by anyone’s schedule but your own. If you wanted to get high and eat ice cream straight out of the tube, or if you wanted to practice the riff you couldn’t quite get right on your guitar until early morning, or if, like tonight, you wanted to set a sultry mood and masturbate thinking about Eddie’s tattooed chest… Well, you damn well could.

You sink down to the ground and settle onto your round, fluffy carpet. This very carpet had been among the first pieces you had bought after settling in your new life in Indianapolis. Regret over this purchase had never crossed your mind; its deep burgundy shade harmonizes exquisitely with the studio's dusky tones. And right now, as you reach for your vinyl collection, you can feel all of its fibers against your bare legs. Your senses heightened since the afternoon; its gentle touch now feels almost teasing against your puckered skin making you shiver deliciously.

You allow your index finger to roam over the spines of the hundreds of vinyl records stacked at the foot of your bed. There were so many of them that you reckon you could use them as a bedside table or something. You were quite proud of them if you were completely honest. You’d spent so much time curating this collection since your dad brought home a vinyl player for your 11th birthday. Your dad had insisted that "its sound is far superior to them boom boxes kids use these days." Along with the player, he had purchased your first ever metal album: "Master of Puppets," That night, you had both spent the rest of your birthday listening to the music with your dad, both huddled in the living room, heads bobbing to the harsh rhythm of the tracks—much to your mom's annoyance who must have shouted "SHUT IT DOWN" at least a dozen times before you’d gone to bed, feeling like your life had changed completely. After that, there was no turning back. Ripped jeans, short black skirts, fishnets, and leather became your uniform, and music became your greatest lover.

You reached out and retrieved the specific record you had in mind. Gently sliding the sleek, obsidian vinyl out from its protective sleeve, you cradled it delicately. As the stylus met the surface, K. K. Downing’s guitar strings struck like a punch to your senses, in a delectable impact of metal. The music flowed through you like an electric current, coursing through the grooves, infiltrating your ears, and permeating every fibre of your being, until you were immersed, entwined, and carried away by the raw yet exquisite sound.

Moved by the beat, you rose and started swaying back and forth, the music's rush flooding you until you didn’t exist. Music always held a flavour more alluring than any drink and a sensation more ravishing than any drug – music consistently brought you to a peak of euphoria that couldn't be replicated by anything else. You loved that feeling; the one where you would float over the world in your own little bubble, where no one and nothing mattered except for you and the music.

 Your hand found the bottle of wine resting on the kitchen counter, and you took a large gulp, letting the burning liquid cascade down your throat. With the buzz of the wine slowly enveloping you and the music infusing life into your being, you began to move your hands up and down your body, tracing your curves beneath the satin of your robe.

Swaying your hips to the music, you let your mind drift back to Eddie; his husky voice as he tried to tease you, the mischievous tint behind his hazel eyes that you hoped would, when properly provoked, turn more devious—perhaps even a touch wicked. You let your mind wander to what Eddie was hiding behind that Metallica shirt. With a teasing smile to yourself, your body swaying from side to side in a tantalizing shimmy, finding balance with the rhythm of the music.

Come crawling faster Obey your master Your life burns faster Obey your master, master

The sound of your phone ringing brought you back down. "No way he called already!" You dropped the volume of the music before grabbing your phone.

Unknown number

This was too good to be true! And right on time too as the song on the vinyl changed. "Burnin' Up" started to invade your ears. Grinning deviously, that was perfect timing, and you were more than ready to put on a show if Eddie was on the other side of that line.

“Hey there handsome, feeling desperate, are we?” you sultrily cooed.

“Good to know you are a little brat outside of work too.” Eddie’s harsh tone sent a shiver down your back while his words sent a clenching wave through your core.

“Aw, but I just did what you wanted me to do.” You added a quiver to your voice for full effect, “I just wanted to be a good girl for you…”

“Fuck, you can’t just say shit like that baby!” You let out your best teasing laugh.

“Why is that? Am I making you hard?” You questioned innocently, “Are you hard for me right now Eddie?” A strained sound made its way to your ears as you took another gulp of your wine “Am I being a good girl for you now?”

“Good girls don’t tease. Good girls don’t… arg… Good girls listen, and they don’t act like desperate little brats for attention! ‘That why you were acting like a spoiled little princess earlier? Ya wanted all my attention, like the desperate little slut you are.?Well, you have it now baby, so you better make it worth my while” You whimpered at his words, but you didn’t want to give into him – not yet anyway, you wanted to savour this as long as you could.

“Tch, don’t flatter yourself. I don’t need attention from wannabe metal douchebags, thank you very much.” A dark chuckle erupted from the phone.

“Tut, tut, tut. Baby, you can fool yourself all you want. But I can see right through your little spoiled brat display.  Beneath all that though, rocker girl thing you’ve got going on, all you want is for me to put you in your place. Am I right, or am I right?”

Fuck, he was too good at this. Most men you had been with had not really wanted to indulge in this fantasy of yours. Most of them had found it weird, not really understanding that when you were acting like a bitch you didn’t want to have a “conversation to settle our differences” as one of your exes so aptly put it. You snorted - No, what you wanted was for someone to grab you by your hair and spit in your mouth. And then, you wanted to cuddle, eat junk food and listen to music until your ears bled. But that was a bit too much to ask apparently.

“Where did your mind go baby? Am I too much for your little bratty ass?” Eddie teased through the phone.

Suddenly a wave of vulnerability like you’d never really felt before washed over you, making you extremely self-conscious. You felt stupid in your little satin robe, half drunk on wine and desperate for some guy you all but had 10 words with. Your skin was itchy, and you felt too hot like a hand had wrapped itself around your throat and squeezed. Fuck, what was wrong with you? For once, a guy was willing to indulge in your little kinky fantasy and what? You were gonna have a panic attack?! You didn’t even know the guy, why were your nerves on fire, why did it feel like you couldn’t disappoint him? Why were you feeling like you were teetering on the edge of a precipice, ready to plummet to your death?

Were you afraid of the fall, or were you afraid that no one would be there to catch you?

“… I’m sorry Eddie, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” You could feel tears gathering in your eyes.

“Fuck, shit.” You could hear Eddie scrambling on the other side of the line, “Did I go too far? Fuck I am so sorry! I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. Shit I should’ve checked for safe words before, shouldn’t have gone straight into it, it's just you drive me goddam mad honey.” A pause as he seemed to realize what he had just said, “Not like “mad-mad” more like lust-mad or – fuck, I don’t even know what I am saying and I’m rambling, and I probably sound like a complete maniac and…” You let him continue, his unfocused voice making you feel safe and maybe, just a little… understood.  

“s’ok Eddie. It’s me, it's just… I guess I got a bit scared because you know… You just seem a bit too good to be true.” Silence.

“WHAT?! I seem too good to be true?” His voice took on a misbelieving tone, “Have you looked at yourself? You are like the definition of hot!” You chuckled at his words,

 “Nah I am serious babe! Next to “HOT” in the dictionary, there is a photo of your face, I promise you that!”

You felt yourself grow warm under his words, “You’re just saying that…”

“Hey, don’t do that alright,” he counters sternly, his voice so full of certitude and assurance that it fills you with safety. You were so full of his words that you could pop at any moment, “I don’t say shit I don’t mean, never. And look,” a sheepish pause made you hold your breath, “You kinda intimidated me back there, you know. Like your fucking hot, and your witty and then I find out your kinky AF too? I mean, you’re like my dream girl brought to life. I feel like if I pinch myself you’ll disappear, like I made you up or something.”

You release a breath at his words, attempting to regain a modicum of composure you tease, “What like Pygmalion? Am I your Galatea then?”

“Baby, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Never mind…Did I kill the mood?” you ask in a squeaky voice.

In response, Eddie burst into a hearty laugh, “Nah baby you didn’t. It’ll take a lot more than that to scare me away from someone like you… How ‘bout we slow down? Maybe you could tell me what you were doing before I called you up.”

That you could do, "Well, I got back from work all flustered, just had to blow off some steam, you know? Poured myself some wine and put on Killing Machine..." A pronounced groan reached your ears.

“A tad controversial for a so-called metalhead to choose that record—a bit too... mainstream," Eddie quipped, his tone teasing. But your lips curled into an unabashed smile. "Maybe, but I was riding a Burnin' Up vibe, and needed the perfect backdrop. Anyway, a solid album's just that, regardless of how mainstream it might be." you bantered in return.

"Amen to that, baby. But tell true honey, was that all you were doing? Sitting around with music and a glass of wine?" Eddie inquiries with a touch of salaciousness in his tone.

"I might have been dancing... explored a bit beneath my robe—" you teasingly purred.

"Describe it," Eddie suddenly interrupted breathlessly.

" Oh, you want to know what I’m wearing? Is that what you want Eddie?" you replied teasingly.

"Don’t tease baby, be a good girl and describe what you’re wearing.”

You pause for dramatic effect, taking the time to compose your thoughts. "I'm in my black robe, it's all satin with lace, barely grazes below my ass..." you slowly croon, your voice a delicate whisper.

"Damn, keep talking, baby," Eddie's voice urges you, dripping with desire. "It caresses my skin so sensuously, makes me feel so good... Am I doing well?" you inquire, a mix of nervousness and anticipation in your voice.

"Absolutely amazing, baby. Have you touched yourself yet?" he inquires further.

"Just my tits, Eddie. I was kinda hoping you'd give me a call," you shily confess “Are you happy to hear how much I want you?"

"More than you can imagine baby, are you wet for me?” You could almost picture him; he was sitting in a nondescript room, perhaps with some Metallica posters and records strewed about, he’s clenching his teeth as you describe how much you want him, perhaps he took out his cock too. Is he touching himself, you wonder? Because right now, all you want is to dip one of your fingers inside your panty and relieve some of the tension that has been building since before you left for work.

“I’m so wet for you Eddie… I think I’ve been wet since before I left work, that’s how much you affect me. I want to show you that I'm not just a brat; I can behave, I can be your good girl" you say earnestly.

"I know you can be, but let me share a little secret with you, baby." Eddie pauses, and you hold your breath, awaiting his words. "Truth is, I kinda love it when you get all bratty on me..."

At his words, emotions erupted within you—a mélange of lust, desire, joy, and a tad of shyness. Each little butterfly fluttering deep within your belly in a symphony of feelings.

“There’s more of that where it came from,” you sheepishly admit, all too aware of your tendencies to tease and your strong-headedness. You lick your lip, and purr, “Are you hard right now Eddie? Are you as hard for me as I am wet for you?”

“Oh baby, I’m as hard as fucking Andúril right now!” Eddie loudly pants.

“… What did you just say?!” Nervous laughter meets your ear as Eddie stammers,

“No-nothing. It’s nothing. Forget I said anything.” With regained confidence, he continues,

“You gonna touch yourself baby? Come on, be a good girl and touch yourself with me.” 

You quickly fumble with your phone as you put it on speaker and lay it next to you on your bed. “I’m in bed…” You shakily exhale.

“Yeah? Me too honey. Now. Touch. Yourself.” His tone left no room for arguing. You could hear a belt unbuckle and a zipper coming undone amidst the rushing of fabric on the other side of the line making you shiver as you imagine him taking his heavy dick in his large hand.  

Slowly you hiked your fingers up your thigh, feeling the goosebumps rise under the trace of your nails. You reach under your robe, and you hiss as your index finger grazes your weeping pussy. “Ohh Eddie, I’m so wet, I’m dripping everywhere.”

“Fuck baby, I want to hear.” Blushing like mad you position your phone next to your dripping pussy before slipping your index inside, the wet squelching of your finger going in and out of your core sending pleasurable shivers down your spine as you imagine Eddie’s reaction on the other side of the line.

You breathlessly moan “You hear that, Eddie? You hear how much my bratty little pussy wants you?!”

“Fuck sweetheart, that’s the most metal music I’ve ever heard. My dick’s so hard right now, I feel like it’s gonna fall off.”

“I want to hear you too.” You frantically demand “Yeah? You want to hear me rub my dick baby? You’re such a perverted little girl!” Eddie didn’t need much convincing and all of the sudden you heard a loud plop, and a loud moan escaping Eddie’s throat. The sounds sending an arrow straight to your warm core; did Eddie just spit on his dick? The wet sound of his hand going up his dick was truly one of the sexiest things you’ve ever heard.   

“I’m close baby…” Eddie admitted between loud moans.

“Already?” you giggle breathlessly.

“Fuck, don’t be a brat now baby. You close too?”

“Mmm-hmm” You hummed “Not close enough.”

“How many fingers, you’ve got in that sweet little pussy baby?” Eddie pants, almost pained.

“Just the one Edd.” “Shit baby, add another one. Can you add another one for me, honey?” His words alone were almost enough to send you over the edge.

“Yes Eddie, Yes I can. Anything for you!” You whisper-shout into your phone.

You dip another finger inside, ripping a loud moan from your throat. You part your finger, frantically spreading your slick all over and making a mess over your sheet.  You curve your index toward you until you reach the spongey spot inside of you that feels oh so good. You rub and rub while your thumb aggressively circles your clit.

“Oh Eddie!! Mmmmm… Fuck, I’m close Ed, I’m so close! I don’t want to come alone!!”

“You won’t baby, you’ll come when I tell you to come. Not before.” Eddie pants into the phone. After what feels like forever, you feel the cord that had been steadily building inside of you start to grow taunt, teetering on the edge of snapping in half.

“Eddie… pleasepleaseplease! Please let me come!”

“FUCK! Come for me baby, I’m cumming!” His words send you over the edge and you see a white light blinding you as your body grows tense before letting go.

You can hear Eddie’s panting on the other side of the line while you try to catch your breath. Now sticky and half-naked with your robe open, you feel a wave of shyness overtake you.

“Eddie? Are you… Are you ok?” A loud laugh meets your ear.

“Am I ok, Baby? Pretty sure the Milky Way just exploded in my room. Damn, that was the hottest thing ever!!” You shyly chuckled at his sweet words.

“It wasn’t like… too much or anything?”

“Wait Baby… Was that your first-time having phone sex?” You grew hot and are quick to dispel any ideas he might get “No, not at all. But…” you hesitate, “But it’s the first time anyone ever made me feel like that before.”

“What? Orgasmic?” Eddie teases.

“Shut up!” You laugh before your traitorous vulnerable heart plants himself down your throat, “I meant like safe; you know. Like you wouldn’t make fun of me or like you actually wanted to hear me come. Like I really mattered for a minute and it wasn’t just about your dick.”

Eddie’s voice grew soft at your words “Baby, there is nothing that I would love more than hearing you come every day, it’s the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard. If you let me, I’d put it on a CD and listen to it on repeat.”

“You mean that?”

“With ever fibers of my being baby.” Eddie answers honestly. You can hear the truthfulness and the transparency in his voice. makes you feel better, and perhaps a little bolder, as you ask, "Does that mean you'd like to see me in real life again and not just when I have to serve coffee?" When Eddie doesn’t answer for a second you feel your heart drop down like a lead balloon.

"Or not," you chuckle, "I didn't mean to sound conceited. It's fine if you don't wan—"

Eddie cuts you off, "I'd love to, baby."

"You would?" you ask, your voice tainted with disbelief.

"I didn't mean to sound so unenthusiastic. It's just that I'm not used to having such a pretty girl proposition me like that. Had to pinch my ass to make sure it was real, ya know."

You laugh as your hand nervously toys with the lace of your robe. "So when would you like to see me?"

"How about tomorrow? Pancakes for dinner, and then if you want, I have a show with my band in town. You could come with."

"Yeah? You want to see me tomorrow?"

"Nothing else I'd rather do."

"There's nothing else I'd rather do either, Eddie."

“Then it’s a date… Be ready 'cause I’m gonna rock your world Baby!”

You giggle at his words “Can’t wait Eddie.” You look around you, with thighs still sticky with your pleasure—yeah, you really couldn't wait to see your rockstar again.

Next chapter

[kafkaoftherubble]

把死人给带回来？ 难道...?！

// If They Are Bringing Back the Dead...

This post contains spoilers for Chapter 184.1 of To Your Eternity.

It also contains speculations galore. This is NOT a meta essay.

Shoutout to my homie branetheory in Discord!

Thanks to them, I was reminded of what Parts of My Brain had wanted to talk about:

Bruh. I can't believe ToFu made me so high last night that I forgot to talk about this.

Honestly I regret nothing Okay, memory water.

A little Kafka Aside: I'm gonna have to consciously ignore how... not-there the scientific backing for this is. Honestly, this Memory Water thing reminded me of the New Age/Pseudoscientific idea of "water memory" or Masaru Emoto's "water consciousness" thing or DNA teleportation. However, this is a story where weirder shits have happened, so suspension of disbelief willingly and gleefully granted. I just need to get this out of my head first.

To reiterate, Kaibara's experimental procedure involves

Extracting cells from a person's body

"Turn" it into water (how?)

Make a "clone" drink it (who?)

-----------------------------------------------------

Who could these clones be?

The only clones we know so far are the Mizuha clones. Their existence seems to imply a similar purpose to Hayase's descendants—they are supposed to inherit Hayase's Will, which is 95% "get injected with a tumor we call the Left Hand Nokker."

But Nokkers have long become invisible and fully integrated into this ecosystem. In the Future Era, they are embedded in tag chips, and they grant the bodies they possess all sorts of abilities and augmentations.

What would an inheritance of Hayase's Will even look like here? At first, I thought it would be similar: a tag chip with the Left Hand in it. Mizuha's, uh, possession (for the lack of a better word) manifested through the same mechanism other Nokkers used, after all.

However, the story gradually told us that the clones had all been massacred via an unknown operation for yet-untold reasons. Why would they do that?

Were these clones failures?

If they were failures, then it would make sense why Kaibara treated them as disposable; after all, in the past, the Guardians always exalted Hayase's Descendant(s) no matter how incompetent they were at their mission. Failure to secure Fushi's seeds I mean love never made them disposable enough to be killed, right?

So, as branetheory (crediting my homie even though they might not see this ahahhahah) also thought—

Could it be that Hayase herself has been successfully reincarnated in the body of one of these clones? (8)

I assigned this hypothesis an 8, or "80% confidence level."

Is she who you're gonna see, Bon?

Why would Kaibara need so many Mizuha clones in the first place? They only need one Descendant. They only have one Left-Hand Nokker...

Unless these clones were made specifically for bringing back Hayase. They were all experiments. Few experiments ever go right at the first trial. But this? Experiments this challenging and important as "recreating our legendary progenitor, Hayase?"

It will definitely require a lot of trial and error. So these clones were made to be expendables.

Honestly, who would name their offspring with numbers if they weren't meant to be seen as expendables?

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There is an interesting point to note: Memory Water only works if one has a Nokker implanted in them. Remember how Abel can't drink it and instantly know the answers to their stupid-ass questions?

So do all clones have Nokkers implanted in them? They all own a tag chip, after all. But there is only one Left Hand Nokker, and that bitch seems deadset on possessing only Hayase's appointed heir (or in this case, Hayase herself).

Does that mean

all the clones have their own Nokkers, but none of it is the Left Hand, until the Experiment? (3) OR

all the clones have empty tag chips until the Experiment, in which the Left Hand Nokker is then implanted inside before the subject drinks the Memory Water? (6) OR

other hypotheses I could not think of at the moment? (1)

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Doro and Her Sisters: Were They Trying To Stage a Rebellion Against Kaibara's Highest Echelon? (7)

Assigned (7); "70% confidence level"

Could this scene actually depict a failed experimental result, where #32/Doro was the subject? After all, she didn't look like she died in a massacre. She looked like she died alone, leaving her sisters behind..

Doro liaisoned with Fushi in secret. So secretly, Tonari didn't know it happened.

Why would she do that? Way back then, me and the Discord gang had speculated some sort of clash between Doro and the rest of Kaibara. At that time, I think our speculation was that it had to do with the Wish-granting Orb specifically.

But now, with this new information in mind...

Could it be that the liaison was part of the clones' planned rebellion? (6)

Assigned 6; "60% confidence level."

It could be that, in addition to passing vital information about Kaibara to Fushi (who is still not exactly forthcoming about what they know so far), Doro was also trying to ensure that the Wish-granting Orb will never fall into the Highest Echelon's hands.

Was her conviction formed out of concerns about what Kaibara might do with the orb?

Or was her reasoning more pragmatic—she didn't want Kaibara to have the power to crush her rebellion?

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Back to the number-as-naming convention. What if these weren't names, but the assigned turn of each clone for the ultimate experiment (6)? If that's the case, then Doro is the 32nd experiment that failed.

That's a lot. And the fact that she failed would mean the experiment will keep going. The clones will keep being bred to be used for these experiments. It's a conflict ripe for seeds of rebellion, right?

And so, there are extra hypotheses as to why the clones were massacred in the first place:

Hayase has been successfully reincarnated (8)

The clones' rebellion plan has been found out (7)

Hayase has been successfully reincarnated AND the clones' rebellion plan has been found out (5.6; 8/10×7/10)

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Dolly's Purpose(s)

While Doll's original purpose might have been for amusement and fun—Doro rescued it from some trash heap and just engineered it to be a playmate—I had always found its ability to dish out powerful punches suspicious. Why would a playmate be good at granting people concussions in the first place?!

And it was good enough to take out mercenaries, right?

I'm quite confident that Doll's punch is a defensive ability to guard whatever's stored in its memory (9).

I should review what Previous Me had speculated:

Doll holds Doro's brainwaves or consciousness

Doll holds the Left Hand Nokker within it

Doll is a combination of Doro's consciousness/brainwaves and its original AI

There is also the speculation that Doll is the Wish-granting Orb itself, but I think the confidence level for that hypothesis has gone pretty low... at least to me, personally. It sits at less than 10%.

Now, I want to add new hypotheses and rearrange them from most confident to least:

Doll's memories include Kaibara's top secret: key infrastructures, their real master(s), their experiments, whatever information they have gained about the Wish-granting Orb, their master plan to counter Fushi, and the like. Things that could give rebelling clones an edge. (8)

Doll holds Doro's brainwaves/consciousness integrated within its original AI (7)

Doll holds Doro's brainwaves/consciousness AND it is Doro's consciousness/memories that possess knowledge of Kaibara's top secret (5.6; 8/10×7/10)

Doll holds the Left Hand Nokker (less than 2)

The first (and by extension, the third) hypothesis can be supplemented by the fact that Kaibara really wants the Doll. Why, if not because the Doll holds vital information regarding the entire company?

They could go after it for Doro's consciousness, sure, but the priority would drop a lot more, wouldn't it? ...Unless the third hypothesis is true!

The second hypothesis can be partially supplemented by Abel's dedication to possessing the Doll; he really cherished Doro, and to him, the Doll could lead him to her again. He also claimed that Doro "is still alive," though when pressed, he gave no evidence.

Was it wistful thinking, or could he have been privy to Doro's experiment to transfer her consciousness into Doll? Did he really know nothing about Doro's death?

There is also the "Now I am human" line Doro uttered while blindfolded. Given we now know what the clones are used for, Doro might see her existence to be inhuman/subhuman because of her real purpose. Maybe, to her, she could feel more human by being a doll than in her human body.

Hell, who knows? Doro might secretly envy Abel's humanness—a guy who was likely born from normal copulation and couldn't fit in with the rest of the Tagged society, yet all the more a genuine human being than the rest of them.

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What is the nature of Doll's Brainwaves?

Could it have been a digital transfer, or could it have used a similar mechanism to the Memory Water?

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Miscellaneous Implications of Memory Water Bringing Back the Dead

Bruh I swear if they reincarnated the Nameless Boy to torment Fushi I will fucking sever my friendship with Left Hand Nokker and nuke their Paradise. Oh hi Left Hand, nothing over here.

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And that concludes my hypotheses round-up, updated to only Chapter 184.1. Remember! Y'all are always welcome to reblog and add your own thoughts to it!

Fuck, I will be so honored if y'all Fushi-fied my writing by adding absolutely anything.

Thank you for reading my ramble. Rest assured, I have prepared just the right image for the moment I clown myself by having most of my hypotheses come out spectacularly falsified:

(Hi everyone this is Kei from Ajin)